So I’m at work, minding my own business when I get an email from Bitstamp.
It starts well enough.
We received your withdrawal request and instructed our payment department to process it. You should receive an additional e-mail notification once funds are sent to the specified bank account.
Great all those bitcoin’s I converted to fiat - in a blind panic at the prospect of China banning everything crypto - have made their way safely to the bosom of my bank account. Good job Bitstamp. Now scurry away, I'm busy.
Then the email took a turn for the worse…
As our compliance department requires some information about the nature of your relationship with our exchange, we kindly ask you to answer the following KYC (Know Your Customer) questionnaire to the best of your ability:
We’ll as it’s your own compliance department, you can do want any good company does when they get a request from compliance. Press delete. Why let red tape get in the way of a fruitful relationship? Afterall, did I not provide ID and proof of address? It’s not like I’m the most difficult person in the world to find. Why harass little o’ me with information requests?
Anyway I was expecting a question or two… Instead I get this full blown questionnaire. I have taken a first stab at some replies. Anyone got any better suggestions (as I'm struggling to take this shit seriously)?
1. What is your current occupation?
This relationship isn’t starting off on the right foot… aren’t you going to ask my name first? I see your game... you think I've come into a bit of coinage and you want to 'get to know me better.' Well this ain't 1985 and I ain't Zapp! You ain't getting no computer love from me!
2. What is the purpose of your Bitstamp account? Please describe in as much detail possible how you use your account.
Hmm… let me get this straight. You’re offering a service and you’re asking me the purpose of the service you’re offering? After using you for three years now, what do you think the purpose of my Bitstamp account is for?
3. Are you using your Bitstamp account in connection with any business/commercial or gambling related activities? If so, please describe how?
Alas my friend, life is one big gamble, don’t you think?
Anyway, doesn’t having a Bitstamp account count that I’m sending bitcoin to and exchanging for fiat count as a commercial activity?
4. Do you have an established relationship with any other bitcoin related services/exchanges? If so, which?
Oh my, don't you sound like the jealous type! Well… I once had a fling with Mt Gox, made love to Mintpal and had a crush on Cryptsy. Are you implying that “we” have an established relationship? If so, you may want to reconsider… you can see how my relationships tend to end.
5. What is the origin of the BTC deposited to your Bitstamp account? Please provide supporting documentation that clarifies how BTC deposited to your Bitstamp account were/are being acquired.
Ahh, you’re making this too easy for me. My BTC originated from Satoshi Nakamoto. Please see link to his Whitepaper as supporting documentation.
6. Which bank account(s) do you intend to use for deposits/withdrawals to/from your Bitstamp account? Provide complete account number, owner information, bank address and SWIFT/BIC code.
Hmm… let me see. I’ve already deposited and withdrawn money to the same bank account… I wonder where I intend to send my next payment? Got it. Make it out to;
Account owner: Father Christmas
Address: Santas Grotto Bank, Lapland
SWIFT/ BIC code: 25-12-0000-RUDOLF
7. What is the estimated amount you intend to deposit/withdraw to/from your Bitstamp account per month?
Who-the-fuck knows… this is Cryptocurrency? In a few months it may go to pennies and I could barely withdraw enough to afford a pizza!
In all seriousness – I get where they’re coming from. If I’m going to withdraw using legacy gateways, I’m going to have to deal with bureaucracy. However freedom of finance is coming whether banks or governments like it or not. I know, I know KYC and anti-money laundering jazz. I mean it's not like Gangster, Terrorists and Fraudsters haven't been washing money for decades? I mean using Bitstamp (having provided their personal details) seems the perfect way to move illicit funds!
Just be mindful. If you're thinking of withdrawing to fiat choose your gateway wisely. Big brother may not be watching but his minions are certainly gathering data in case he comes a calling!
