First Thing's First
I need to tell you something important.
I lied in my job interview.
The truth is: I'm not supposed to be within 500 feet of anyone who needs to learn something.
I quit drinking three days ago though; I think I'm ready.
I didn't know those desks were so flammable and when they called me up to tell me Mrs. Legspread or whatever the hell her name was got knocked up again and I'd have to be teaching science for a few months, I had no way of knowing the pot still we engineered to make the whiskey would explode like that.
So anyway, after the incident, I still needed a way to make ends meet and since they legalized weed it's been kind of hard to make money in the mall parking lot like I used to. I ended up stumbling across an online advertisement while browsing through some porn videos and that led me to a fake teacher who went by the alias, "Jerry," and he was busy selling courses on how to become a fake teacher just like him. He showed me all this money he made and I was all like here take my money within minutes.
After three years of living in Kazakhstan while the old me was busy faking my death, I finally graduated and receieved some fake credentials mailed to me in a box along with a cool little bonus video about "How To Take Care of Yourself" that I've yet to watch.
I don't even know what some of this stuff means but it sure looks good on paper and I really like my new passport.
Mr. Himself?
Yes?
Does this mean you're a criminal?
Not anymore.
Moving along.
So you want to be creative?
Step one: You gotta know how to bullshit.
Everything I told you just now, was bullshit.
You were all looking at me like oh my god that is so interesting and I probably could have kept on going for days.
The truth is: I drink too much and can't hold down a job, so I lied to those people, said I quit drinking, and they're so fucking gullible they decided to give me my fourth second chance.
But that's not very interesting, now is it?
No!
It's pathetic!
But if you believe in your own bullshit enough, you can do anything!
When it comes to being creative and telling a story, you gotta know how to stretch the truth a little bit.
It's not a lie when you're being paid to make up some bullshit!
That's your job now!
Everyone in this business is full of shit!
And now you can, too!
Step two: Believe in yourself even when you don't believe in yourself.
Observe:
"Look at this wonderful picture of horses I made!"
I know that is a terrible picture of horses but if I do not believe in myself, then who will?
Never title your creative posts: I'm A Fucking Amatuer Who Doesn't Know Shit
You must always own your work. Say it is awesome! Do not say: I'm not too proud of this. I probably shouldn't even be doing this. I suck.
If you've screwed up, say: No! That's not a screw up! I did it that way on purpose for I am an artiste and I live by my own rules!
People will bow down to you and your fervor.
Combine step one and step two and dance your way to being the most creative and respected human alive on this planet!
Or lay down in a puddle of your own piss and cry. I don't care. There are no silly grades in these courses. I make my money whether you learn something or not.
Now. Was I bullshitting or telling the truth?
Ah ha!
You see how good I am!
You have no idea what just hit you!
I am the master!
And you are the student.
The little shit who doesn't know anything!
Who's in charge here!
Huh! Huh!
Mr. Himself?
You sit your ass down and shut up your mouth!
Now where were we?
Step three...
Mr. Himself? I really need to go the bathroom.
Good job!
Did everyone else see that perfect example of step one?
You are one fast learner there but you can't fool me! You just want to go wander the halls and maybe pull out your phone so you can tell your mommy you want spaghetti for supper tonight.
Now where was I. Seemed to have lost my page here...
What the hell is that smell?
Did you just shit yourself?
Come up here and show the class!
Now this is why I became a teacher!
You bullshitted, you believed in yourself — and now look!
It takes some actors years to be able to cry on command and you're already shitting your pants after one lesson!
Everyone give this kid a round of applause!
Okay well,
it looks like we're out of time here for today.
Sit down! I didn't say you could leave yet!
You got homework tonight! I want to see thirty jars full of shit on my desk in the morning before I get here and some bullshit story about how you made it! 500 words minimum!
Class dismissed!
