First
Allow me to introduce myself. My new name is Hi Jim.
At first my name was only Jim but I noticed every time I'd go to the mall to take a shit in the plants, the people there would look at me and say, "Hi Jim." I got so annoyed with it that I just thought it would best to change my name to what everyone else was calling me.
Life was hard back then. Here's a short clip of me as a young lad.
My Life is Getting Better
I've decided to take my shit and use it for something good. My counselors and even the woman at the store who always asks me if I'd like a good time all agree that it would be best if I embrace my shit and apply myself.
That's why I'm here today.
I had a good look around and couldn't help but notice a few shit posts were earning top dollar. I thought to myself, I can do that! I'm a natural!
To be honest, I don't really know what the fuck I was looking at while browsing a few of those posts. All I saw was money, more money, an entire shit-ton of money, some bling, cha-ching and an incredibly popular as well as handsome man.
I can be all those things and more if I just set my mind to it!
Today, with the help of a few fancy screenshots, I've decided it's now my turn to become the best of the best and fuck all the rest.
Clears Throat
I've polished my crystal ball. Here is today's prediction.
That's right. Clearly, it's time to pass around the drinks and start partying. That is my financial advice. I did it all by myself.
In Other News
Some professional looking historical data.
And this:
Those candles are hard to read but they are definitely candles and that's all that matters.
I'm pretty sure you know what to do now. In case you don't, there will be many people under this post offering their daughters to me and not speaking in a way that sounds like a cheesy online advertisement testimonial. They are legit, they know what they're talking about. If you don't believe in me, believe in them.
That is all I have for this hour. I'll be back in a few minutes with more of the same.
Thank you for your money!
Obligatory Disclaimer: I am just a man who shits in the plants. This is not meant to be financial advice. It is entertainment and you're an asshole if you actually think I'm God.
