Welcome back, fans! Sorry I've been lagging behind on posting these! It's just, y'see, this whole Steemit thing has really unlocked my creativity in a way that I haven't experienced since... since... well, since I wrote this screenplay back in early 2015!
This episode is a pretty short one. If I were to ever get this into a condition worthy of submitting to someone with the power to actually produce it, I would need to inject a whole lot more content into Episode 4. For now, just take a five minute pause after reading each line. Go get a beverage, smoke a doob, do sex to each other - whatever you're cool with, I'm cool with.
Enough talk, though! Read my shit!
EPISODE 4: Used Cars
[In medias res, Eagle is fucking flying down the road in the SHO. He very quickly arrives at Garbo's condo, and runs up the stairs to knock on the door over and over again. Garbo answers the door.]
Garbo: “What in the buttered fuck? Get the fuck in here!”
[Garbo doesn't wait, and just pulls Eagle inside.]
Garbo: “The fuck are you doing here? It only took two fucking days for shit to hit the fan? Did you fucking go out when you weren't supposed to? Did you go someplace other than Waffle House?!”
Eagle: “No man, listen, listen, listen! I got a text from my homie Nate, okay? He fucking asked me why I'm selling Blueboy.”
Garbo: “You actually tell people that's the name of your car?”
Eagle: “Shut the fuck up, he said there's a place on Airport that has him, right out front, fucking showcased.”
Garbo: “So? What the fuck does this have to do with me?”
Eagle: “Man, I told you how important that fucking car is, man. I need your help, man, please!”
Garbo: “What, you want me to go shoot up a car dealership?”
Eagle: “No! I-- I don't know, man! I just know you need to help me get that car back!”
Garbo: “Aren't you a fucking car thief? Didn't you have that on your little resume?”
Eagle: “Dude, if I go there they're going to know me, no fucking doubt whoever owns that place is tied to Carrack.”
Garbo: “What, you want me to fuckin' buy it back for you, then?”
Eagle: “Dude, you've been slingin' hundos all day!”
Garbo: “Those 'hundos' are taxpayer dollars, skidmark. You may have noticed that my behavior can come across as somewhat uncouth. It pays to tip very generously at Waffle House to ensure that it's a place we continue to be welcomed in.”
Eagle: “Can you, like, have the cops do something, then?”
Garbo: “The cops know who you are, kid, they'll just keep it and sell it at auction. Which is what I said was going to happen before, remember? You should have just gotten over it then.”
Eagle: “Fuck! What the fuck am I gonna do, man? I have to get that car back!”
[Suddenly, Eagle's phone begins to ring. He looks at the screen to see who is calling, but it's an unknown number. Eagle answers it.”
Garbo: “Who the fuck is that?”
Eagle: “Unknown number. Hello?”
Penelope: “I can help you get your car back.”
Eagle: “What the fuck? Penelope?!”
Penelope: “You recognize my voice! You are going to be the perfect boyfriend. Yeah, let me help you get your car back.”
Garbo: “Penelope? Is that motherfucking Penelope Bellows on the fucking phone with you right now?!”
Penelope: “Sorry about earlier. Garbo and I don't get along very well, you may have noticed, and I like to play little games with him sometimes. That doesn't mean that I didn't mean what I was saying about you, though. Baby, I dig your scene. And I'm going to get your car back. If you like me, press 1 on your keypad.”
[Garbo stares in anger as Eagle appears smitten in a conversation Garbo can't hear.]
Garbo: “What the fuck is that bitch saying?”
Eagle: “You know you're a real sexist, man. I think you've called every woman we've met so far together a bitch.”
Garbo: “It has applied every time.”
Eagle: “The waitress at Waffle House?!”
Penelope: “Don't hurt my feelings, baby.”
[Eagle presses a 1.]
Penelope: “That's the right answer. Put me on speaker.”
[Eagle does as commanded.]
Penelope: “Hey Garbo! Can ya hear me, babe?”
Garbo: “Your voice sounds like every cow in the world shitting at the same time.”
Penelope: “Uh huh. Hey, listen! Me and your friend here are going to work together to do something that's really important to him, okay? So while you sit here and do whatever the fuck it is you do when you're at home, Eagle is going to get his car back. He's my boyfriend now, okay? So you can't have him anymore. And if you try to get him back, well I'm just going to shoot you, square in the aorta.”
Eagle: “Hey, Garbo said that same thing once.”
Penelope: “We go back. Anyway, Eagle, honey, could you do me a favor and take Garbo's gun from him now?”
Garbo: “Uhhh, I think he's going to have a hard time doing that if I've chopped him sidehand in the carotid artery, so that would be a bitchy thing for you to have me do to your new boyfriend, you bitch. Bitch!”
Penelope: “Do you know how long I've been waiting to set off the detcord I've woven inside your tie, Garby baby?”
Garbo: “Uhhh... pardon me?”
Penelope: “Eagle, step back a bit, okay?”
[Eagle steps back, pretty well aware that he's not in any place to do anything else at the moment.]
Penelope: “Yeah, detcord! Enough to pop your head off and carve a tie-shaped cavern into your sternum. So you're gonna give my sexy new man your gun, okay?”
[Eagle cautiously reaches his hand outward]
Eagle: “I promise I won't use it on you, man, I do really swear that for real, no matter what she tells me to do.”
Penelope: “Haha! I wouldn't tell you to do that! I don't want to kill Garbo! He's always been such a fun playmate for me, I would hate to lose him. But I don't fuck around, and he knows I don't fuck around.”
[Garbo sighs in defeat, and he pulls the gun out of its holster and hands it to Eagle.]
Garbo: “I want that back.”
Penelope: “We'll see. Now you can take me off speaker, baby, I wanna just talk to you now.”
[Eagle turns the phone off speaker, and holds it back to his ear.]
Eagle: “Just you and me now, girl.”
Penelope: “Seriously, I'm gushing here! Listen, I'm going to text you my address. You come on over, give me Garbo's gun. Then... you and I will have some fun together.”
Eagle: “You're a real tiger, aren't you?”
Penelope: “Rrowrr!”
Garbo: “This is fucking disgusting and I won't allow it. Get the fuck out if you're going to go hook up with that fucking trim. Ask her if I can take the tie off.”
Penelope: “Tell him in five minutes it'll be safe to take his tie off.”
Eagle: “Hey man, she says it's safe to take it off in five minutes.”
Garbo: “Fuck. Can I move?”
Penelope: “He can, but tell him no.”
[Eagle just shrugs, and tucks the gun under his shoulder as he leaves.]
Eagle: “Should have helped me with my car, dude. Good luck with wrecking other peoples' lives now.”
Penelope: “I'm so sorry he did that to you, baby. Hey, get back at him. Shoot out the tires of his Charger.”
Eagle: “Ha! Yeah, I can do that!”
[And so, he does. Eagle rakes a hail of lead across the side of Garbo's car, popping both tires on that side in the process.]
[Eagle drives off. Inside, Garbo takes in a deep breath, and quickly grabs at his tie, yanking it off and over his head, tossing it away. It flutters harmlessly to the floor. It's obvious there's no detcord inside.]
Garbo: “That bitch.”
[When Eagle arrives at Penelope's house, it's heads and tails above Garbo's little condo. He makes his way up the front steps, and knocks on the door. Penelope answers in seconds. Very quickly, in fact. She pulls him inside, locking him in a passionate kiss. Eagle is caught by surprise, but doesn't resist her kiss all that much. He does try to get a word in, though.]
Eagle: “Whoa, hey! Like, what's your sign and stuff?”
Penelope: “Hehe, you're cute, my birdy boy. I'm a gemini, but we both know that's all a bunch of bullshit, right?”
[She continues to try and manhandle him, pulling his shirt up and over his head while still trying to maintain kissing him. Eagle is becoming increasingly nervous.]
Eagle: “Ha, I... guess... did you want to like have a drink first, or....?”
[Penelope sighs, and stops kissing him for a second. She bites her bottom lip and glances down at the floor for a moment before looking back to him with a sideways grin. She chuckles, and takes a few steps back, toward the archway between her entryway and another room. When she reaches it, she turns around, and, still walking backwards, unbuttons her shirt and peels it aside. Showing off her lacy black bra to Eagle, she turns back around again with a coy smirk, and heads up her stairway. Eagle is unable to resist, and he joins her.]
[Hours later, we rejoin them in a very messy bed. They are wrapped around each other at odd angles, their hair looking nothing like before.]
Eagle: “So... I'm kind of a dick. I have a girlfriend.”
Penelope: “No you don't. Well, I mean, you do now. But not the one you had before.”
Eagle: “What? What do you mean?”
Penelope: “I heard all that stuff that Garbo was saying. What, you don't really think you're getting her back, do you? Face it, sweetie, I'm really sorry that the life you had is gone, but now that you're involved in the CIA, well, I like having you around.”
[Penelope curls an arm around him, and kisses his cheek.]
Eagle: “Well, I suppose maybe I can learn to enjoy it..”
[Eagle rolls back over on top of Penelope again. She gasps and giggles mischievously.]
[Later that day, at Schaeffer Car Credit. Your run of the mill shady used car lot. The electronic bell sounds as the door opens, and Garbo steps inside. A man with platinum blonde, slicked back hair, wearing a wife beater and Elvis-style glasses stands up from the desk.]
Man: “Ashley Schaeffer, Schaeffer Car Credit. Don't tell me... you want me to put you inside a car. Is that right?”
Garbo: “Uhhh, yeah. Listen, yeah, I have a car I want, actually. I wanna buy that blue fuckin' Datsun thing out front.”
Ashley: “You don't sound convinced.”
Garbo: “No, I do, how much is that thing?”
Ashley: “Well, now, I'm gonna go ahead and impose myself into this negotiation a little bit more here, because that. Is not. What I see.”
Garbo: “Excuse me?”
Ashley: “You, sir, look like a man of a great degree of dignity. Someone who lives on the bond of his word, willing to rip his plums right off then and there as a stake on his honor. That's not the kind of man who drives a fuckin' Datsun! No sir, not for a minute!””
Garbo: “Look, man, I just want to buy the fuckin' Datsun, alright? I'll cut a check right now, I got government clearance and shit, I got a black budget that could buy your momma's titties cast in bronze. You name a price and you got it. Don't fuck around.”
Ashley: “Sir, I hear you, I absolutely do – and let me just thank you for your service to this beautiful, righteous country of ours. But hear me out: did you see the Porsche Cayenne? If you didn't you owe it to yourself. It's a thing of beauty; it's like a snow leopard descending upon a tender fawn.”
Garbo: “Is there another salesman?
Ashley: “This is my dealership, sir.”
Garbo: “God dammit, man, what the fuck is wrong with you? I'll give you a million dollars, right fuckin' now for the fuckin' 510, man! Don't you want a million fuckin' dollars?”
Ashley: “Yes.”
Garbo: “Okay! Shit. Fuck. I said a million, didn't I? Eh, not my money I guess, fuck it. Flick me that bic.”
[Penelope and Eagle put their clothes back on at the side of her bed. Eagle pauses, and looks at her, watching her change back into her pantsuit.]
Eagle: “Hey.”
Penelope: “Hmm?”
Eagle: “You're not just fucking with me, are you?”
[Penelope tilts her head to the side in adoring concern. She crawls on her hands and knees across the bed, and tenderly kisses Eagle.]
Penelope: “I'm not letting you go any time soon.”
[Eagle smiles, and kisses her back.]
Eagle: “So... does this mean I get to stay here instead of the safe house?”
Penelope: “Mmmm, I get a live-in boyfriend out of this? I don't know, we did just meet. What if this is just a honeymoon phase?”
Eagle: “Do you have internet?”
Penelope: “Haha, is this 2015? Gigabit, fiber optic. But my question for you is, are you worth keeping around to use it?”
Eagle: “I keep the seat down; I do dishes. I'm the model of a perfect male companion.”
Penelope: “Mmm, that you are. So, let's go get your car back. Meet me downstairs, I'm going to take a quick shower. You might want to do that, yourself.”
Eagle: “Maybe I know a way we could save water?”
Penelope: “Haha, very nice try.”
[Penelope stands up from the bed, and stretches a long, yawning stretch over her head. Eagle stands up as well, and he heads down the stairs for the other shower. As soon as Penelope sees Eagle is out of sight, she heads into the bathroom, and pulls a small container from out of the medicine cabinet. She opens it up, and withdraws a syringe, which she fills from a bottle of green, ominous liquid.
[And the episode ends. Ending Theme: “Maneater” cover by the bird and the bee]
I hope you liked it! Stay tuned tomorrow for Episode 5: "So Long, and Thanks For All The Sex"!
