THE DOS AND DON'TS OF SASQUATCH RECONNAISSANCE- Pt 2

Hello and welcome to part 2 of

THE SASQUATCH RECONNAISSANCE GUIDE

click here for part 1
In this segment, we'll be learning how to discover, identify and infiltrate Sasquatch habitation areas.

LET'S BEGIN!!!

First, a list of invaluable items to aid you on your search

1 bottle of Jack Daniels
(Although a recovering alcoholic, Sasquatch frequently relapses)
Flowers
(As we discussed in part one, Sasquatch have an extremely keen sense of smell. It's also a thoughtful gift when visiting someones home)

3 sticks of bubble gum, 1 box of band-aids and a paper clip
(I think it's pretty obvious what that's for...)
Condoms
(In the event you need to transport water, 1 condom can carry up to a gallon of water. What the hell did you think they were for..?)

HABITATION ZONE DISCOVERY AND IDENTIFICATION

Pictured at right is what the Squatching community refers to as a tree structure, but those guys are idiots. This is a Sasquatch mailbox. After many long months in isolation, I've finally discovered their real purpose. The mailboxes main use is to stay in touch with friends and family, however it also acts as a toll booth for any other Sasquatch passing through. Sasquatch are highly territorial and trespassing through their land without consent can result in deadly consequences. Gifts are deposited in the center and should your gift be removed, your tithe has been accepted! Locating these drop boxes is simple, just follow the direction of unnatural looking tree breaks.

HABITATION ZONE INFILTRATION

Ok, you've made it this far but now things get a bit intense. Upon your discovery and identification of the local Sasquatches PO box, it's time to put your plan into action! First, you're going to need the bottle of Jack Daniels. Gather up some sticks and leaves, form them into them semblance of a gift basket and deposit the bottle in the basket and the basket in the mailbox. Sasquatch is a bit of a lazy prick so it might take a few days for him to check the mail, but usually within the first week you'll get your answer. What's this? The bottle is GONE?!? EXCELLENT! The elusive Sasquatch has accepted your gift unseen and is likely already shithoused. Sasquatch is an angry drunk and will likely go home to yell at his wife. This is all part of the plan!

After a long night of howling and trees being snapped in half, you need to prepare for the next phase of the plan. After nearly a week sleeping on the forest floor, your breath probably smells like a homeless mans underwear. Grab that bubblegum, destiny awaits! Once morning rolls around, Mrs. Sasquatch is going to be pretty pissed. It's within her natural behavior to come and investigate who the asshole was that pulled her husband off the wagon and this is your moment to observe a Sasquatch in their natural habitat! Time for the flowers chief! Present the flowers and make a high pitched gargling sound from the back of your throat. While I'm still unsure what it translate into, it's somewhere between an apology and "How you doin?". If she accepts the flowers and leaves, you're indeed quite lucky. You've just interacted with the worlds most elusive cryptid!

If she accepts the flowers and starts massaging her breasts... You're fucked. This is an indicator she wants some revenge on her husband. Sasquatch females are extremely violent and have been known to kill the males during copulation. Be glad you brought the band-aids and condoms (You didn't really think they were for carrying water, did you? lol)

I was just kidding about the paper clip.

Silent Discourse signature.gif

click here for part 1

Here's a great resource for any other new steemies like myself,
with a ton of awesome and helpful people.
Definitely go and check them out.
@newbieresteemday @greetersguild

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