It’s not that I have a moral objection to strip clubs. I firmly believe that most of our morals against all things sexual are archaic and illogical. I certainly don’t believe that women’s chests are inherently evil and thus strip clubs are immoral because you can see women’s evil chests there.
I don’t believe strip clubs degrade women and treat them like meat either…at least, not any more than any other servile customer service job does. I wouldn't want any woman I know to work at one, but it's a woman's choice. It's not the best choice, but at the end of the day, strippers are professionals working in a customer service role where consenting adults exercise their right to free will in a safe environment to fill a demand and make more money than my job pays. So that’s not why I hate going to strip clubs. Here’s why I do:
This is what happens when you go to a strip club. You pay an unreasonable amount of money to get in the door even though you could see naked woman for free on the internet. You could also spend less money buying a girl at a bar drinks and taking her home. Granted, at a strip club you get to watch a bunch of girls dance around naked without having to spend half the night pretending to be more confident, successful, or interested in the girl you’re talking to than you really are, but at American strip clubs you can’t touch the girls.
It reminds me of one time when I was 5 or 6 years old and my dad promised me and my brothers that if we cleaned our rooms he would take us to Toys R Us, a gigantic toy store. So we cleaned our rooms like never before, and the next day our dad took us to Toys R Us like he promised. We all picked out one toy we wanted, and when we brought them to our dad he looked at us like we were stupid and said, “I told you I’d take you to Toys R Us. I didn’t say I’d buy you anything.” That hurt. That’s the feeling I get from strip clubs.
Even what little you can touch the girls you’re still not going to achieve... satisfaction. You’re just going to get all pent up and frustrated. It’s like going to a car show and getting all excited about the amazing cars there even though you’re not going to get to drive any. Why torture yourself like that?
To add insult to injury, the girls there don’t even like you. In all likelihood they despise you. Even if you’re not a fat, greasy, disgusting scum bag, they assume you’re there because you’re too lame to get a real girlfriend, but they pretend to like you, which makes them liars. If I called you up and said, “Hey, wanna go hang out with a bunch of liars tonight?” You’d tell me you have better things to do.
Even if you don’t want to throw your money away sticking it in resentful lying girls’ panties, you can always just sit there and watch. What better scenery to watch while drinking overpriced beers and chatting with your bros than a bunch of beautiful women?
Wait a minute. You can’t just sit there and watch. Whether you want to touch these girls or not, they’re going to ask you if you want to buy a lap dance. Then, when you tell them you don’t want to give them all your money, they’re going to scowl at you and make you feel bad about it like you’re a scrooge. Why would you pay to enter a room full of people who are going to make you feel guilty for not doing something you don’t want to do?
So basically, when you ask me if I want to go to a strip club, you’re really asking me to pay a ton of money to get sexually frustrated by a bunch of resentful liars who look down on me and won’t hesitate to make me feel guilty if I don’t give them what they want.
Why don’t I just go in the bathroom and flush my money down the toilet while punching myself in the balls and shouting self-deprecating remarks at myself in the mirror? At least then I won’t have to leave the house. That’s why I don’t like going to strip clubs.
This essay was originally posted on my main site, thewisesloth.com on October 30, 2009.