Hello World!
I have recently found Steemit and only recently created an account, I am 34 years old and feel like I have just started living for real, I was a compulsive gambler and this is my story to freedom. I will be posting a series of emails that explain what I mean, and take you on an in-depth, emotional expose into the world of torture I lived in for 20 years of my life.
The objective of sharing my problem with the world is multifaceted, I want the world to know how compulsive gambling ruins life's, I want to share my experience from my all-time lows to freeing myself from this self-made hell, I want to give hope and reassure everyone who is experiencing this same issue that there are many ways out of this ever tightening grip of chasing the unattainable win.
THIS is PART 1
The following is an email that I sent to 10 immediate family members, almost 1 year ago or 353 days ago to be precise.
The Email
Dear my Family,
I have been plucking up the courage to come clean, for the last time, with my affliction that has been haunting me for almost 20 years.
I am an utterly and uncontrollably addicted to online gambling and I have reached my breaking point.
My compulsive behaviour has tormented me daily and I have at this point in time £50,000 in debt in the form of 2 overdrafts, 2 loans, and 2 credit cards. I am physically, mentally and emotionally drained. I have zero control over my actions and believe that if I had all the money in the world I would still try and gamble it! It is an irrational urge and I am in dire need of psychological/medical help.
It feels like I have been cursed to fail, and to make it so much more difficult to comprehend, it is a failure of my own making. I have been carrying this mental burden of debt and compulsion everywhere I go, during everything I do since I was about 15 years old! I am now 33 and cannot believe what I have not achieved. Essentially everything I have ever worked for, everything I have studied for, almost every pound that has passed through my hands has been literally thrown away. I have practically nothing to show for my life and feel utterly ashamed of the position I find myself in, not to mention spilling my guts to you all is incredibly embarrassing and I feel completely ridiculous.
This is basically a cry for help of the highest order, and I am reaching out to you all to try and support me and more importantly my family (specifically mum and dad as I fear without telling you all they would inevitably try and hide it and cave under stress and pressure of the situation) in a mental capacity as I have had 2 similar mini breakdowns in the past where I have reached out for help financially and emotionally however I did not follow through as I did not recognise (didn't want to admit) the seriousness of the situation and the ability to conceal my actions allowed me to continue uninterrupted after a brief hiatus from gambling for a mere week or two. It is the ability to look as though I am a normal function person mixed with total secrecy that my addiction continued to spiral. The two people that I let know about my secretive addiction are my girlfriend and mum, at separate points years apart, and they both genuinely believed that I could stop with sheer will power. Physical and technological barriers were also introduce to prevent access to gambling sites however I simply bypassed them and continued almost non-stop. I can only apologise to you both, I am truly sorry my addiction unintentionally deceived you both. You both alone just kept the secret alive, an intervention and total admission with the support of everyone I love is what I really need, and the ability to find and seek professional help and physically attend a program or sessions or take medication has to happen or I know it will never stop, as history has proved.
To put things into a perspective that you might be able to comprehend, as this is probably alien to you, compulsive gambling is classed in the same league as alcoholism and drug addiction, only the later give of tell-tale signs that are recognisable and patently obvious. Gambling is purely contained within my mind, there are no signs, no obvious side effects, which makes it incredibly easy to hide unfortunately. It has however completely destroyed my ability to enjoy life, it has caused severe depression which I have also tried to hide, I have lost hope of any dreams I have wanted to achieve, I don't feel any of this is real, or that I actually am the person I am. I cannot begin to explain what it is like knowing that as I right now at work, how difficult it is to even put on a brave face and fake it through another day, knowing that all the money I am making will either get gambled away or will be used to pay off debt or even more ridiculous the interest of the debt that I will soon not be able to cover. It is not a life. A hollow nightmare like existence is what it actually is. I have managed to juggle finances around to stem the flow of debt in the past but I believe the point of no return has been reached and I will be lucky to have anything left after all my bills and direct debits are paid. I am actually for once almost enjoying this new job on the ferries in comparison to what I have been through before, however the ability to feel any enjoyment gets stripped away knowing I will not be able to reap the reward of my labour.
I have plans for the future with D, we have made plans, but I have inexplicably put them all I jeopardy from my uncontrollable behaviour, I didn't mean to do this and do not want this affliction. I fear I will never have the ability to fulfil these plans if I did not broadcast this right now and to this extent and depth of detail.
To understand how I got here, my gambling days started around the age of 14/15 in the amusements in our hometown, it seemed like harmless fun and a way to kill time. However it became routine and more regular the amount of money I lost began to steadily increase over the years, as time passed the internet and gambling websites started to appear and I transitioned onto them as I could get the same thrill without ever feeling like a goldfish in a bowl in our home town, main street. I began by playing online poker as that was the first big form of online gambling that appeared. However when the big bookies started appearing with sports betting and online casinos I transitioned from poker to them. My addiction is almost purely online and almost completely on 2 forms of gambling, football and blackjack, I have won some large sums of money from bets however as I stated above it will never be enough, and the thinking that I can replicate and keep winning, puts me into self-destruct mode. I begin chasing my losses with greater sums of money hoping to recoup what I have lost.
Typing this all out is showing me how ridiculous and insane it has become, losing money online now feels like nothing to me, money feels like nothing to me, I have no scope of value. I won £16,000 in 3 hours at blackjack from £100 to end up at £3000 another 2 hours later, which turned out wasn't enough so I ended up betting ridiculous amounts to try and get above and beyond the £16,000 I could have had. This is practically the cycle of my gambling addiction and how I have become so hideously in debt and out of control, the next big win was going to clear my debts......the next big win however wasn't big enough and therefore turned into an even bigger loss.
It is a sad existence and makes me sick to the core. I am however not suicidal or have ever had any suicidal thoughts, I feel I should make that point clear as I am on a ship in the middle of the Irish Sea right now and you need not worry.
I just do not know what to do from here, I am exposed and ashamed and embarrassed and guilty and as low as I have ever felt, I just want to be normal and hope I can be cured.
I just wish I could push a reset button that would take me back to 1996 where I would do everything the same but NEVER EVER gamble, I would be a rich man or at least I would just be happy.
I just don't know what I am supposed to do now/next as I am exhausted from the stress of a lifetime of this shit, I am not looking for sympathy either just help to find my feet and try and make something of myself before I completely waste my life.
I am at work just now if you try to contact me I might not answer; partly due to the embarrassment and stigma attached to the situation and the fact I have limited signal, internet and mobile.
I'm sorry I have burdened you all with this.
Love
Matt
If I hadn't written that email I can not even imagine where I would be at this moment in time - it took something completely destructive for me to only just realise I was in a massive downward spiral.
If I only help just one person to even take the very first step of admitting their problem I will have reached my goal. Life is far too short for anyone to live it in a hidden double life of unrelenting self-destruction and misery.
To be continued...