With all that's been happening this year already and me thinking that nothing more could surprise me anymore, I have to admit the news of Reckful dying hit me kind of hard. It has become like this weird situation even though you read a lot of news daily, see the covid statistics rise in certain locations and realize that every one of these deaths is real people like you and me, you've still gotten a bit jaded from all of it as it is happening on a constant basis. It is of course also difficult to relate or feel empathy when you don't know the people it has affected on a personal level and although I haven't been following Reckful for a very long time I wanted to take the time to write this post and some of my thoughts about it after his death causing me to read and watch more videos about his activity in the past.
I decided to take a screenshot from one of his videos when he was doing arena's as this was how I stumbled upon him and the times I enjoyed watching his streams the most and how I will remember him. R.I.P. Gladiator.
First off, the reason this news hit me hard is because I used to watch his streams back in the day quite actively. To me he was like an idol and I don't say this about many people. At the time I was playing world of warcraft and there weren't many other active high-end skilled streamers that would stream it so watching Reckful was like watching a genius or somebody who had perfected his hobby to the max absolutely kill it time after time again. This is what originally got me interested in watching streamers: "how do the pro's do it, what's the trick?" but I quickly realized that Reckful was not just great at world of warcraft, he was quick to become amazing at anything he set his mind to. From being a record breaker in typeracer.com (I believe some of his records are probably still on many of the leaderboards on certain phrases) to also becoming really good at playing Hearthstone. It was just fascinating following his thought process that he shared with every move and although I wasn't a big fan of HS, or at least not becoming competitive at it and around that time is when I started stepping away from actively watching his streams, I can tell you that he even made that game more entertaining when you could use some of his ideas and thinking in your own games.
In general he was a very kind person, most of the time's happy or at least acting it on stream and very ambitious when he found something he enjoyed doing. I personally never saw him sell out by playing certain games big companies paid him to play them in front of his viewers so that's usually a plus from me as I really dislike ads.
Now since the news about his death I had to go looking at what he's been up to lately, I happened to stumble upon a stream series that his chat got him to do where he'd connect with a psychiatrist that also recently started streaming on twitch. Now if you rather watch the series yourself than hear me talk about it, I will leave a couple links here down below. I can highly recommend it as it's very detailed, beautiful and I feel like I even learned a lot about it myself and could relate to certain situations and feelings based on my own history of gaming or abuse of it.
The psychiatrist goes by Dr. K and also has a history of having had a gaming addiction when he was younger, as a last resort was sent to India by his parents to study meditation and he fell in love with it and wanted to become a monk. While taking his degree back in the U.S. with the help of what he had learned from meditation back in India he realized that all of the other psychiatrist knew very little about video games and the addictions that follow a lot of young people in this day and age so he started pursuing a career focused on that aspect. Reckful got in touch with him and they did an online session and (spoiler) according to Reckful he accomplished more in the first part of this video series than any of his previous experiences with shrinks ever had.
Here's the first part of the video and I'm sure if you are interested in watching more you can easily find the next parts in the side bar:
also make sure to give his youtube channel a follow as I think he's doing good work in the space and hope whatever happened to Reckful won't get him in trouble cause there was some mention of that in one of the videos.
Alright, so I wanted to talk a bit about the things that occurred before Reckful's death and what I learned about him through these videos. At the same time I also want to talk about technology, i.e. social media and their actions leading up to his suicide and I hope my readers won't see me as trying to take advantage of the situation by also talking about Hive and how things would be different here but I can't help comparing and thinking about it since I'm so involved with it. So I apologize in advance and will only bring that up briefly at the end of the post as a comparison to current social media.
Things I already knew about Reckful from the past was that his older brother committed suicide when he was very young and it devastated his family and of course things were never normal after that anymore. I also knew he was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder which lead to him having a lot of "mood swings" for a lack of better term, meaning there were times he'd be very happy and in return times were his lows would be very bad and according to the interview most of the time it was very bad for him since he was a teenager. As a 5 year old realizing that the thing you enjoyed doing the most was coming home to play video games with your two older brothers would not happen anymore, his other brother wanting to spend time alone after the death can not have been easy for a kid at that age. They quickly come to the realization that since that day when his and his families world changed is the day when he also changed. The 5 year old that existed before that day seized to exist and he grew up as someone who couldn't overcome the reality that his older brother had passed away.
He disliked school most of the time, it was either not challenging enough or didn't peak his interest and as soon as he got home he'd play video games, mainly online MMO's where he could socialize and interact with other players. He was also excluded very often from people around him in school and was sort of an outcast with no friends. He opens up that he was depressed for a long time but at certain periods when he found some new interests he'd have something to do and accomplish and that gave him motivation and the drive to see it out fully until there was nothing more to accomplish. He reminisces when his dad bought him a camera and he started enjoying photography at the age of 16, shortly after he had attempted to kill himself due to his depression. He found some meaning in photography and chased the hobby for a little while, traveling with his parents a bit and taking photo's and even managing to have an art gallery put the pictures up. What Dr. K describes nicely in the video is that this was a big win for a 16 year old next to the artistic works of others around him in the gallery after Reckful says that that was the day he lost interest because he didn't like it that other people were mainly ignoring his pictures but focusing on the edited once which he found dumb. Who knows where he'd be today if he had continued pursuing his passion in photography but possibly not to where he was and the reach he had to so many people and changed the lives of many. What Dr. K also says about the change in him since he was 5 is also kind of beautiful, even though that situation sucks it is also what made him be who he was today.
After photography there was again a longer period where he was mainly depressed and then stumbled upon world of warcraft and the competitive side of him brought back some motivation to become the best at it and excel in both the skill and becoming famous for his streaming. At one point he was one of the top streamers with viewers for a very long period of time and naturally also made a lot of income from it. Then there were some other games that came in here and there, and relationships and new friendships but the depression never seemed to completely go away and he often found himself slipping into the same slump over and over again.
Dr. K starts discussing meditation and what it can do for depression, discusses a bit about his studies in the east and how he would want to bring what he's learned back to the west where most things usually have a solution from medicine and science. What he mentions, though, is that meditation is very far behind in scientific studies and there have not been many specific ones being thoroughly studied to find out how they help certain things that we call diseases and disorders. According to him he doesn't believe that depression is something you will have forever and that you just have to take medicine for the rest of your life for it, he thinks it's something you can overcome but it will take other means and that's what he's trying to do for technology and gaming addictions. Have them overcome certain bad habits, disorders and also prevent what leads to kids and young adults going down that path of losing themselves in the games completely. Reckful also mentions the use of Psilocybin and how he it has helped him reach some sort of enlightment and out of body experience that many times helped him cope with his depression and Dr. K mentions that Psilocybin and Meditation are not that much different, both are going for the same effect and solution but the former is sort of like a cheat code that gets you to the top of the mountain instantly and the latter let's you climb it slowly and that the way up there is also important for the longevity of the solution, fulfillment in life and being at peace with what has happened in the past. They also discuss an anti-depressant (that I now forgot the name of but is very popular) that people use and Reckful mentions that his brother who killed himself had just started taking it before it happened, how it comes with a black box warning that before it gets better with removing your suicidal thoughts and giving you motivation it might backfire for the first month as it mainly just gives you motivation first and often times suicidal people use the motivation to kill themselves. Reckful also mentions how there was no black box at the time and wonders how things would be if Psilocybin or the use of "magic mushrooms" was more researched or available as medicine at the time and if his brother would still be alive today if that was the case to which Dr. K notices that Reckful still isn't able to let go over the death 26 years later similar to his father.
Over the next interview there are many times that the psychiatrist asks Reckful what he would want in life to which he responds that he just wants friends he feels close to to be with him, do casual stuff and that is what would make him happy but during current times it's not easy for that to happen due to covid restrictions and him having moved to Texas recently. What is sad is that in one of his latest tweets he was even offering an extra apartment he had there to a few friends to move closer to him but I guess no one took his offer. He also mentions that he often has a hard time finding a friend to go to dinner with and have a talk, sometimes relying on going live on Instagram to just go have dinner with a random fan that happens to be in the area and he connects with there.
This is something I wanted to talk about, I think the word friend is very overused in this day and age. I find it really difficult to imagine that someone as Reckful had such a hard time to connect and stay in touch with his friends and I can't help but feel that it must've just been the wrong friends most of the time. Now no offense to them, but when I was actively watching him he changed the lives of so many. Being at the top he often gave many new people a helping hand, random WoW players who got massive traffic thanks to him when they started streaming because of him that would be nowhere where they are today. Now I'm not saying that they always owed him what they had accomplished but I'm also kind of a pessimist lately and can't help but feel that many just took advantage of him. He often used to say that during his "highs" due to being bipolar he often noticed people trying and succeeding in taking advantage of him. That's why I think it sucks that none of his friends, who knew his situation and state of mind, were there for him when he needed it the most. It's not even like it was that hard to figure out that he needed that, even for me who barely knew him at this point in time but just checked his tweets and some of his last Twitch broadcasts and the interview series linked above. I realize covid made things more difficult but it's not that difficult thus I fear everyone was just too busy with their own lives, careers, etc. Being a real friend is more than just getting in touch and in contact with someone when it suits you and when you get something more out of it, it should go both ways if you're a real friend. If someone has helped you there should be a "reserve tank" in the back of your mind where you try to balance out how much you help them back, no matter if it's something annoying, if he's turned into an asshole or other reasons. Anyway, as I said I'm quite pessimistic of people in general lately and this whole culture has become so much about "me, me, me" that I would not be surprised if many just ignored him because they were too busy with their own lives and careers which often existed because of Reckful to give back some time to him when he needed them. Of course I may not know much about each situation, relationship, etc, and it may just be my emotions after binge watching so many videos of him and seeing in what kind of state he was to be judgemental towards his non-existing friends today, but just wanted to get that out there anyway as it often also relies in other aspects and hive as well.
The next thing I wanted to talk about was social media. As many of you know how brutal Twitter can be nowadays, Reddit is not far off. Even though many knew and were aware of his manic depression and it was not difficult to find out that he was having another episode when he proposed to an ex he admitted not having seen in more than 6 months on Twitter - he got blasted for it. He even said that he doesn't want to put pressure on her to reply and that people shouldn't attempt to do that, he just wanted to prove how much he meant that he really loved her and that she was the one for him. Shortly after the comments were flying calling him names, saying he's being an asshole because of the proposal and what pressure it puts on her and also telling him to do what he ended up doing...
Many other streamers also mentioned that when they saw the tweets and reddit threads they got really angry at the comments, many from people who shortly after turned 180 and were saying nice things about him and how they always loved him and were devastated to hear about the news. It's not fucking rocket science to check through accounts posting history, and for what, fucking twitter likes and reddit karma you say whatever the hivemind is saying? It's really infuriating what people do for clout these days. I realize that if Hive would be as mainstream as Twitter and Reddit is a lot of those things would happen here as well, maybe even more so because your comments could literally earn you monetary rewards directly and who knows how much a vote would be worth from certain accounts at the time depending on the price of Hive and how the inflation pool works. The big difference though at that time would be that growing your reputation from scratch would not be as easy. On top of that you wouldn't be able to just delete your comments and pretend like nothing ever happened because once on the chain then it's forever on the chain. So yes, while I realize there are assholes everywhere and there will always be assholes everywhere, many that existed on Steem as well although I'm glad not as many on Hive - the incentives to not be an asshole just because you're having a bad day or have some issues of your own and feel the need to take it out on random people just for the shortlived attention you may or may not get would not be worth it here in the long run. I'm sure there are a lot of other components to this I may be missing and it probably is not the best time to think about it now either so I'll just leave it at that as I don't want to make this post about Hive.
I want to end this post that I feel really sorry for Reckful and that it had to come to this. My deepest sympathies to his family, can't imagine what this must have done to them and I can't even imagine in what place he must've been knowing what this would do to them having suffered from it himself for so many years due to the death of his older brother. Although the girl he proposed to replied and said she hadn't even seen the tweets in time so his decision wasn't affected by her response or actions (which is something I was worried about a bit, although I knew her and knew she wasn't someone who would overreact as she knew Reckful very well and how bad it could get for him and I was hoping for her sake that it wasn't because of how she acted on the online proposal cause it would have scarred her as well) I can't imagine that the replies by the random nonames from social media helped him one bit. Opening his proposal tweet yesterday and seeing that the top reply was to kill himself really hurt and I hope people learn to realize that some of their actions, no matter how random, small or ineffective they may think they are, can still have an effect on people, especially those who really are sick and dealing with mental health issues.
I'm sorry this happened, Reckful, and I'm sorry for what you had to go through since you were a kid. I want to thank you for everything you did for the games you played, the viewers you entertained and lives you touched with your kindness and generosity. I realize now after watching the interviews that most of the time when you were streaming it wasn't as much for you but for the viewers. I realize I may have watched you stream and found comfort in your entertainment even when you deep inside were depressed and off camera in a very bad place. I also believe Dr. K was absolutely right when he said that you streaming and bringing joy to viewers was to help those who were in a same position as you since you were a kid, using gaming as a defense mechanism and overdoing it just to get away from reality and things that may have happened in each of their lives that lead them to it. I realize I may have been in the same boat and I thank you for the motivation you brought out of me when I didn't think it existed. I really hope that your recent work in creating your own MMO won't go to waste and the people and your close friend will see it through to finish it because I'd definitely be interested in seeing what kind of game you had in mind which would help people come together more who don't have anyone to do so in the offline world with.
Even though you didn't know I existed, I'm certain that I and many other active viewers of yours have qualities that you brought out of us and as corny as it sounds you'll live further through them. I had a lot of things in common with you and who knows, maybe you were right that this is just a simulation and if so I hope you managed to get to the next level and hopefully some day I can buy you a beer or whatever it is the real us drink in that place. R.I.P.
One of my most favorite montage videos of him playing that warrior like a god. <3
