I had a difficult childhood. I wasn't athletic, attractive, or wealthy. I hated school. They kept telling me they didn't understand why such a bright kid was getting such lousy grades. Looking back, I can see that my situation was desperate. I needed something, anything, to save me from what I was going through.
I had always been good at games. I found that I could focus my attention and memory on a good game, and that seemed to give me an edge. The sense of accomplishment and triumph gained from beating a game or winning a match was a welcome change. Gaming became my escape, and for decades now, I have made it my sanctuary.
I am now asking myself an important question. If my life is good enough that I no longer need this escape, why am I still gaming? Why would I do something that is unhealthy, expensive, and time consuming? Why would I willingly insert myself into a subculture that has a notoriously difficult time getting laid? I don't need to do this shit any more, so why the fuck am I still doing it?
As I have grown older, I have found plenty of things that I am good at. If I am going to make some other hobby my new sanctuary, it should be something healthy or profitable. I could exercise more, work on home improvement projects, or try to find new ways to make money. None of those things seem as fun as killing monsters and building virtual empires, and I'm sure that's by design. They make these things addictive, and I have an addictive personality.
I have been a gamer my entire life. I have a long list of gaming related accomplishments. It seems like a waste to turn away from it all, but I want to do what is best for my home and my health. I have tried to moderate my gaming, and take a more casual approach, but my brain simply isn't wired that way. If I am to be a gamer, I will inevitably devote unhealthy amounts of time and attention to it. I am thinking that I should probably just pull the plug on this shit.
I'm going out to the coast for a couple days tomorrow morning. My wife booked us a nice room, a couple's massage, and some other goodies. Of course, there's a casino right next to the hotel. I have been practicing card counting on a blackjack simulator and...
Fuck my life. God help me.
Please leave any sympathy, advice, etc in the comments below.
