I have come to a point in my life where I feel that my mind is no longer the best tool for finding my way around anymore. It's been really good and all, but lately I feel there is an overemphasis of "headiness" (too much energy in the head) and that I still often try to solve challenges and problems by mere application of study, rationale, logic, experience and probabilities.
Been writing this as a reminder to myself whenever I have mind-relapses that don't serve me which has happened so often this past year that I am now able to even get to this realization. Love the mind, will always love the mind, but it can't be boss anymore. It's so much sexier when it serves me rather than me serving it and getting bitched at by my sheer reluctance to read the universe's recent instructions. Am I ready then?
Have long thought so... but now I feel so.
Last weekend I had a really awesome breakthrough event, mainly because the pressures of my self-imposed obligations and aspirations had come to a head and everything basically exploded and resolved into amazing fireworks of satisfaction when I played my first DJ set at a glorious psy birthday party after a year or so of not playing sets live. I was a wreck, and then my set was done^^ We had organized the party here for the last couple of weeks and it's been far beyond an amazing start of that party series we want to bring to life, universe clearly saying THIS WAY GUYS
But the pressure before, the system struggles we are all so familiar with, the doubts, the endless self-criticism in this reckless and unempathic manner whenever my ego tries to gauge what is up with it - it really has taken its toll on me.
By that I mean that I find more and more, that the acid state of mind - or rather - the acid state of pre-mind is what I so thoroughly enjoy and where I feel so much at home it's almost ridiculous I fall back into that headiness so easily on a daily basis when dealing with the human experience.
Maybe I just needed that reminder from myself to myself, maybe some of my dear friends with me at the party did the trick (they love me to death). Maybe it's the fact that my recent ventures into technical analysis and trying to get the hang of it all in this tsunami of contradicting information and initial failed attempts shows me so much about myself, my own approach and how that is leaving me out in the rain more and more, when I have ample experience that I don't need to obsess about utilizing my mind constantly.
I feel more ready to put less emphasis on it. To dare to let go of that flimsy thing more often.
A good friend of mine recently put it: maybe you want to learn to be more flexible. And that's precisely what I dig so much about LSD, the ease of the moment. I always forget after a year of thorough mind-involvement in my human story and abstaining from the potion: Whenever I do dare to glimpse down that abyss, I feel it leads me back to myself, to a place that exists eternally in me with a bird's eye view of what is happening where nothing is out of place and I thoroughly love myself just the way I am (including the poignant use of my mind when it IS its turn to do its thing, it's hilarious at times, I can be so sharp ahahaha) - instead of becoming that bitter gossipping aunt judging any- and everything that is observed through some obsolete and arbitrary category, and with merciless persistence.
I am so tired of it.
And it's not like LSD gives me something I don't have. It's simply one of the best reminders I know of to help me realize regularly that nothing has ever been missing and that the problem is the solution. The problem is purely in the mind, and its stickiness leads to confusion and a mixup of actuality with endless dramas of potentialities that may never occur but in fact rob me of my energy rgardless of their conceptual and intangible nature.
I feel a new era is dawning in my life and when I look back it comes as no surprise really, something is different. I am not sure if the 7 year-thing is true or not, but it really applies well to my life - 7 years of the previous phase are coming to an end. I think of it as my study phase. The thing other people think they do when they go to a university. Only now, the finals have long been written and the longer I clutch to the study phase the tougher the slaps get. It's more graphic than any letter anyone could ever write to me really.
High five for clear communication, universe <3
So the next phase is upon me. Still learning and loving to learn until my body dies, but way less emphasis on concepts, projections and rationale, and way more emphasis on hands-on practice, mileage, trial and error and striving to let it all unfold.
The phase in where the mind will become one of my many tools to engage the world with but no longer with such strong emphasis. No longer the shackles of habit and ingrained customs that have built the bridge all the way to here, to now, just because they worked so well in the past.
Something's gotta give, and I feel my mind will oddly get exactly what it wants me to see the moment I use it more for what it is actually useable for, and less for everything else.
It's like I feel I have finally reached the other shore (or at least that shore is in sight now) and the boat will no longer do me any good when the next task is to climb the mountain. Still, always good to know that a boat is docked on the beach in case explorations of nearby islands require it. And I will gladly come back often, use it, improve it and take people on a cruise. It's just that I no longer see any and all of my aspirations and goals on water. It's been a long haul, but I really feel I am ready for next level in this human game-thingy of my own experience.
While the realizations may differ, I have talked to many of my friends in recent months and most of them agree that something big is coming, some sort of palpable change in the air. All of us feel challenged with the situations life throws us into this year (or maybe we have thrown ourselves into life to be able to make that preposterous ego statement in the first place)... but things are no longer as they were even a few years ago when actuality had not yet caught up with my mind's projections. Today feels different, it feels like now all I have to do is to grab it because it is laying right there in front of me. And I'm simply stunned in light of the simple fact that it's all here for the taking if I am willing to do so.
How about you? Do you feel your paradigm shifting recently? Are these times as revealing to yourself as they are to me?
I have been really grateful, even and especially because of these challenges that have slapped me in the face only to show me where the show continues for me. And what other old concert is coming to an end in these weeks and months that my ego feels reluctant to pull the plug on. It's high time. The study will not have been in vain but there is no need to hang around the university any longer. The others are waiting, whoever they are.
Yay for new experiences and the cosmic jump that's been coming my way <3 <3
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