I discovered Steemit about a month ago, and decided to start blogging about what I'm spending most of my time on: micro budget filmmaking. I have not been as active on the blogging front as I wanted to. That had to do with some (mental) issues, related to my filmmaking, that I was dealing with.
Yesterday, something occurred that seems to have huge consequences on my filmmaking future. It might and probably will mean the end of my micro budget feature film 'Los Ojos Rojos'. A project that I have been laboring over during the last 9 months. While writing this,
I'm still not sure what the consequences are going to be,
but it seems that the project is doomed (for lack of a better word).
Let me explain to you what happened...
I woke up feeling pretty exhausted. The days before I had been working hard on our movie project, a Spanish suspense thriller called 'Los Ojos Rojos'. I had reached out to several people, cast and crew. I also informed my filmmaking partner about the progress,
a favor he returns to me on a daily basis. We update each other via the messaging platform Slack, whenever we're not literally talking on Skype.
Under Pressure
Over the last couple of days, or probably weeks, I started to feel a lot of tension. I felt a tightness on my chest that I couldn't easily seem to get rid off. I felt I needed some space, more exercise, more fresh air and - as a consequence - spend less time staring at my screen.
I also realized that it was my project that started to slowly suffocate me. I just didn't know what to do about it.
"Will you have time to Skpe today?"
Later that morning, my filmmaking buddy asked me if I would have time to Skype.
I explained to him that I needed some breathing space. He seemed to take that as a signal of something bigger. He was right.
As you can see in the picture below, the conversation halted for a couple of hours. I was outdoors, spending time with my twinsister and her two kids. I couldn't shake off the tension, so I decided to head towards the sea. While in the tram, I actually spoke about my project with some Mexican people. As it's supposed to be a Spanish movie, but the screenplay is English, we talked about the translation issues. The woman I spoke with, offered to help me out with the project. We exchanged phone numbers.
As soon as she left the tram, I checked my phone again and read the following message ( see the red block in the picture):
This brings us to the title of this post:
"It's probably best for you to keep filmmaking as a casual hobby...
not saying this to be a dick, but I don't think you're ready to do this."
Instead of arguing whether he's a dick or not, I will tell you what it did with me.
I decided to switch my phone off and walk towards the sea. First I ordered some (Dutch) fish and chips. It wasn't great, but it gave me some much needed energy. I then walked onto the beach. I took my shoes and socks off and walked through the sand and the surf. It was windy, but the rain clouds slowly disappeared and the sun started to shine down on me. The sand, water and sea breeze were slowly re-energizing me. Thoughts about the conversation with my filmmaking buddy, about our project, my future, my health and many more kept going through my head but I started to feel better and better. Harm was already done though. It looked like this was the beginning of the end (of our film)
I arrived home three hours later. While prepping dinner, I turned on my phone and our Slack conversation continued. I'm not going to share the whole conversation with you, but here's part of it:
I can go off a tangent on the meaning of this conversation, but suffice it to say that there's something I learned over the last couple of years: If the fun is disappearing out of something that was supposed to be fun, it's not always the best thing to continue. I will now take some days off. Which will give me plenty of time to think. I don't believe it's going to change anything though. I guess I have already made up my mind.
So what do I really want?
If I'm completely honest and ask myself what I really want with my life, this is the answer:
I want to travel (more), get fit, work on small-scale creative, fun, film projects. I picture myself being outdoor a lot, eating healthy, meeting new people. I wouldn't mind blogging about it and continuing my Steemit journey. I also envision myself starting a podcast. Probably on creativity.
In short, perhaps I am not cut out to be a director on a feature film? It certainly feels like it. At least, not right now. It's just not working and that is exactly what my buddy said. It's too much of a struggle, there being no money and all. How long do I really want to continue struggling? So, eventhough I didn't like him telling me this - or the way he did - he might actually have done the right thing.
What do you think? Should I be thankful for this? Would me stepping out of this project be a mistake? Am I giving up too easily?
Do you think struggle is an inherent part of the creative process? Do we need to suffer, lose our health, over the process?
Or are all these things signs that we are doing something wrong? Are there easier ways? I am sure there are. I just haven't found them yet.
Feel free to reply to me in the comments section and if you think other people should read this, give it a resteem. And, if you want to make things a little easier for me, upvotes are appreciated too ;)
Talk to you next time!
Vincent
If you found this post interesting, you might want to read some of my earlier postings.
Here they are, from most recent to earliest:
https://steemit.com/art/@vincentnijman/diary-of-a-micro-budget-filmmaker-23-07-2017
Me on the creative struggle;
My writing on a side project - a movie stories project - that might become a bigger project pretty soon: