It happened like a whirlwind. All at once. You walked into my life and changed it forever. I wasn't looking for you nor did I seek out. You just seemed to have appeared out of the blue and set up camp like you planed to stay forever. You made me fall in love with you on a Friday. It was cold outside and you were so proud of the fire you built in the fireplace. There was nothing romantic about that weekend but I truly thought I got to see the 'real' you which made me fall head of heels in love with you. You played with your little girl in your living room. Laid in her tiny Frozen tent with half of your body hanging out.. I can still hear her giggles. I took so many pictures on my phone that weekend. You in that tent. You kissing her booboo on the tip of her little finger and you tossing her in the air to make her break in a boisterous laughter. When I heard her little cries from in her bedroom while you were sleeping, I quietly climbed out of your bed to check on her. Before the weekend was up she had me wrapped and you had me feeling like I found my one. In less than three days you made me fall in love.
After that first weekend I couldn't get enough. I spent nights lying awake wishing you were with me and my time at work was consumed with thoughts of you.. when would I get to spend more time with you, when would you hold me again, would you be the one to fall in love with me? It didn't take much time until we were 'official' and I was on top of the world! You took me to meet your family and I thought 'wow! This is really it!'. Over the next several months I moved in, we started planning a future and we made a promise that we'd always have one another. I told you my deepest desires and you said you wanted to be the one to give them to me.
We tried for a few short months and in December I found out I was expecting. It was one of the happiest days of my life! I felt like I finally had what I longed for my entire life. A man who loves me, his beautiful little girl who adores me and there I was about to be a mom. I just knew I had it all. My pregnancy wasn't easy and I thought you were standing by me so when I felt like you were distant I tried to brush it off. I felt undesirable, like you couldn't stand the sight of me. I questioned everything about myself. Did you change your mind about wanting our baby? Was I gaining too much weight? Did you no longer find me attractive? Did you feel like you made a huge mistake? So I became reclusive.. I felt uncomfortable with you even looking at me. As much as I craved your touch it gave me extreme anxiety to think about it. Then I found out why.
You turned my world upside down on a Friday. You broke every bit of my trust and shattered my soul. What little confidence I may have had left was completely destroyed. I was broken. The ultimate betrayal. I was eight months pregnant. I couldn't even begin to fathom the thought of losing you so I decided to forgive you. I stood by you. I wanted you for me and our daughter. I couldn't imagine bringing our daughter into the world alone.. without you. You swore it'd never happen again. You begged me not to leave and told me you never wanted to lose me and our sweet baby. I believed you. Again.
The day I entered the hospital to have our daughter was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives together. She was/is every bit of the miracle promised to me. But we couldn't even have that day. A person who was supposed to be one of our biggest supporters tried her best to ruin our day and it put you in a funk.. You couldn't even enjoy our miracle with me. You mind was in Texas. Not with me. Not with our sweet girl. It broke my heart. Then she was here.. after 16 1/2 hours. I brought our beautifully perfect baby into the world. I felt like my heart could explode. I discovered two new loves.. Her and you. The love I have for her is unlike any love I've ever known and the love I had for you grew beyond my wildest dreams. My heart was so extremely heavy. There I was in love.. really, really in love and you didn't even kiss me.
In the days after she was born things became increasing hard because of you allowing two people to come between us. I all but begged you to see what it was doing but little by little you let it tear us apart. I would cry and ask you for reassurance and you promised everything would be ok until one day you just stopped. It went from telling me you loved me to you deciding you didn't want us. Our daughter is 8 weeks old. My world is shattered. I love you (not past tense) with everything inside of me. No matter how many times you have betrayed me, no matter how much you've allowed to hurt me. No matter that you checked out on me and our daughter. We need you but you made it clear that you don't care. You're somehow convinced you're better off alone.
Now here I am having to figure out what to do. How your daughter and I are going to do this without you. Where we're going to live. Where I'm going to work. How I'm going to take care of her by myself. I know I can do it but the truth is I'm so angry because you swore I would never have to. You promised you'd never leave us. We planned this baby and we promised that she'd never grow up the way we did. Without both our parents. You can't tell me you don't love me.. you simply don't just stop loving someone. And you certainly can't tell me you never did. I know with every fiber of my being that you loved me. I'll never believe you didn't.
You may be lost for now and I pray you find your way back to you. It may be too late for us because you continue to push me away and reject my love for you but please for both our daughters... find the man I fell in love with. Find the man I know you are. I will never lose faith in you. I'm just broken because you couldn't find him for me. The woman who loves you through Hell.
You will always be the love of my life EAM.
Kells