At breakfast with a group of South Africans, one guy mentioned that he was having a dry spell in the ‘dirty deeds' department. His friend suggested that he call up his regular hook-up girl from a while ago and he quickly responded with ‘NO thank you'. The rest of us were intrigued by the story, so he gave us the brief history.
They hooked up, many times. She got comfortable. He got uncomfortable with her comfort. He ghosted.
This got me thinking.
That is bad on his part! I'm not saying he is innocent in this, BUT she has been relentlessly texting him since he went AWOL. The texts are not gracious at all. They are all splashed with "If you don't want to see me, just don't reply, then I will leave you alone." Followed by " Why do you hate me?" and "You're confusing". Seems desperate doesn't it?
Here's the thing, this story is not unique. I know so many people, girls and guys, that go through this same scenario… I have been in this scenario. I too have been infatuated with a boy who was infatuated with… well… ‘not me'. My brain hurt with questions after I'd seen him and I would spend hours thinking up every scenario possible for us. I blew up his phone looking for closure and felt embarrassed and pathetic for chasing someone who obviously didn't chase me. I knew he was treating me badly, but I would lie to myself about the ‘real him'.
If you're anything like I am, I need to have a direct and clear instruction to understand the situation. I was waiting for him to pull me aside one day and tell me that all the ‘hints' he'd been giving me, were to show how he was seriously interested and was just too shy to come right out and say it.
It's time for some self-honesty. That clear-cut answer was not going to be coming from his side.
I was at times only one of the girls on his mind. He needed me to get an ego-boost when he was low. The girl he approached when he got bored, needed to have a laugh and wanted to feel like he still ‘had it'. The truth is that words are air, actions are energy. I didn't need him. He was the person who was making me feel small and unwanted. If he is telling you you're beautiful yet treating you as if you're an option, then he's actually telling you-you're an option too.
Now my situation and yours may be different, but view my story as a variation of yours. Same same, but different. Listen to your inner voice relating to me. That gut feeling is now your compass to heaven.
How to fix it for yourself:
Look through their eyes. Think of the reasons why they compliment you and which particular things they enjoy doing with
you. Ask friends and family about your best qualities. Use the compliments and positive aspects to remind yourself of your worth.
Figure out how they keep getting back into your head. When do they make their moves and how are you feeling at those times. If you can see any vulnerability, work on strengthening those points with distractions or avoid those vulnerable moments until you can healthily work through them.
Write out your feelings. Let them know how you feel, that you've figured out their game BUT don't send it until you are proud of what you have written down. (It may need some gracious changes and a bit of a positive spin).
Silence all points of contact with them. Social media makes it super hard for us to control our curiosity. Don't tempt yourself with their Instagram posts being on your feed. Block it all, even if it's only until you move past them.
If you do/have to interact with them, then let their actions speak for themselves and not their smooth-talk. If they really does care, they will show you respect and kindness even when you are not around. Same goes for you, keep it friendly.
Work out. Nothing makes you feel stronger or more in control than the feeling of working out. When you've completed a focus and goal orientated workout, you earn self-esteem points, bragging rights and happy hormones which do nothing but great for your confidence.
Low moments are inevitable. Allow them in. Fell sorry for yourself. Sit in the shower and cry. BUT, when you stop crying and/or get out of that shower, you pick u your own pieces and you carry on building on you.
Look. When it gets down to the basics, I believe that letting people treat you this way speaks worlds about how you value yourself. That time you are spending on some person who is not aware of your rarity; that's wasted time, love and energy best spent on things and people worth it. Knowing your worth is key in these moments. You must take in the compliment and the exciting moments. They feel good. Just don't take those compliments and believe that they reflect their true desires. People are complicated, guarded and intricate. You cannot control their actions, you can only control your reaction.
The best advice I've ever received is: If they are truly interested in you, they will let you know. The truth is that their actions will show what they're really feeling. If they're constantly gravitating towards you or asking you meaningful questions that would otherwise be useless to them or listens to the things you say and then brings them up at another point, they are investing their energy into you and that shows potential.
The lesson for this situation: You cannot rely on other people's attention to complete you. You must first become whole on your own and value every bit of yourself to be able to loved and be loved.
Remember: You are not alone. I get it. Most people have been there. AND this is just an opportunity to become more self-aware and emotionally strong. Use your opportunity.
Xx Kim
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