As some of you might know, I've spend the last 6 months in Germany. A bit more in the last 12 months to be honest. My girlfriend is German. Since the beginning our communication is in English, so we both have to speak a foreign language. When I am outside in the city, I speak a bit of German. The neighbours talk English with me. From the beginning I mentioned I understand German for around 80% of the time and speaking is a bit difficult. Last week I was digitalizing some old VHS tapes and an old German book from high school popped up...
This image can be a bit confusing...just like the language differences
No more excuse
At high school in the Netherlands in the 90's you had 6 different subjects. Quite easy I must say. After the final exams you will receive your diploma (if all goes well). When you are best in class in a certain subject, you are invited on stage. I was a clever kid and was best in class in Arts and...? YES! German... Oops, why did my German girlfriend saw this book? She opened it and a leaflet fell out. A leaflet that I don't remember. What did it mention, besides my name?
"In recognition of special achievements in the German language. Signed by the Ambassador of the Federal Republic of Germany"
Scheisse! Now I can't get away with it anymore. Of course she shared it in the Whatsapp group with the neighbors and now the days of easy English with a cup of tea are over. Now it's the aggressive language where words sounds like swearing. I had the discussion before if German could ever sound sexy. I even thought back about those German Tiroler movies in the 90's, but the vocabulary in these movies was a bit limited. At the moment my girlfriend is preparing a speech for her job and she has never sounded that 'sexy'. No, she is not present on OnlyFans. We focus on OnlyVans.
Why German?
You might ask yourself, why did he ever chose German as a subject at high school? Well, the teacher of Arts was the director of the school. The teacher of German Language was the Vice Principal of the school. If I managed to be best in class with these 2 people, I might have an easy time at high school. It worked. I don't like this 'politics' during my work career. Funny enough playing this kind of politics during the last period of high school worked well for me. Damn...WHY do I realize this after decades and while enjoying my pre-pension? It's never too old to learn right? Just to be clear, all the other years of primary school and high school sucked. First I was the poor shy kid and then I turned into the poor outsider. Being bullied and beaten up most of the time. But hey, it gives you some raw edges and a lot of patience. Was it the only reason to chose German Language at high school? Maybe it was, although the teacher was a hilarious guy full of jokes, that made the time at high school a lot more fun. I did not know at that age I would ever become a world traveller and explorer, that meets a lot of German people. At some point I even had more German girlfriends than Dutch. But the fact was I didn't live close to the German border, I lived in a city that was bombed by the German a while ago, these days we Dutchies from Rotterdam only make jokes about it and feel no anger.
And now?
I am talking in different languages. And like in my DJ-period, I like to mix. Dutch-German-English-French. It can be confusing and hilarious. While I speak German with most of the people around here now, my girlfriend still speaks English to me most of the time. I am lost in translation sometimes. Just a few examples;
Me "Hmmm, this is so tasty!"
Her "What is tasty?"
Me "Anis" (Anise in German)
Her "WHAT?! Anus?!"
Me "No it's just brown...
Her "YEAH I KNOW ANUS IS BROWN!"
Me "Uhm, I wasn't finished. I am eating a brown slice of bread, with butter and 'Gestampte Muisjes'"
Her "Gestampfte was??"
Me "Gestampte Muisjes is a Dutch type of bread spread, tasting very sweet. I don't know how anus taste exactly, but the smell is far(t) from sweet!"
I showed her what it was and she asked me if I took some cocaine. I told her the pasta based straw was not part of it and showed her the box where it comes from. I dropped a bit of powder on the table and was busy to put it together with the box. I know, it looks a bit confusing.
The sweet Dutch bread spread. White powder that tastes like anise
Talking about powder... I wanted to go to Morocco. Most poeple would say you can only buy hasj there and no white powder. But, I mean the sand from the desert. I wanted to reunite Vin Diesel (my campervan) with Morocco again. The last few weeks the Sahara dust from the desert is covering all cars in Germany. You don't even have to travel to Morocco to see the the Sahara desert. Let's see where the coming OnlyVans episode will bring me. It might be a bit to hot to handle to visit hot Sandy and the surfing camels...
You don't have to travel all the way to Morocco to see the Sahara-dessert
Last week of preparing
I have one more week in Germany. Stress? Not really. I am packing and enjoying the last week together with my German dessert. One more week of luxury life. One more week of Marzipan at the bakery. One more week of talking German with the neighborhood kids. One more week of Sekt. Yes...SEKT. Everytime I invite my German girlfriend for Sekt, she mixes it up with something that sound similar in English. Yes, Sekt is something sparkling...but it is something to drink...
One more medical research. After all medical research of the last few months, I have to do one final visit at the urologist. So, I told my girlfriend I have to visit AM RING one more time.
Her "Are you talking about anus again when you talk a bout visiting the ring one more time?!"
Me "No, the urologist! It's called AM RING. I can't help it that they chose that name."
Her "Ok, that's funny."
Me "You know what is funny? How do you call it when you climb the rim of a volcano?"
Her "Huh?
Me "Rimming!"
Unfortunately she didn't know the English slang meaning of 'rimming' (= orally stimulating your partner's anus)
But also she tried to be funny;
Her "Should I wash your pussy?"
Me "Huh...WTF? I am still a MAN!"
Her "You know, the t-shirt I gave to you for your birthday with the Pocket Pussy (a printed cat coming out...of the chest pocket)?"
Me "Yes, that pussy smells bad. It could use a wash..."
The Pocket Pussy
And it's a dirty blog post anyway, so I can tell you this...
In the Netherlands we literally translate a 'blowjob' into something similar to suck c#8k. So when my girlfriend said the following to the neighbors, when I was next to her...(just to inform you, it was about vacuuming the communal stairs)
Neighbors "Do you have any plans for this afternoon?"
Her "Ich muss noch etwas saugen" (In English this is translated to: I have to suck something)
Me: LOL
Neighbors: "What's so funny?"
Me: I explained the 'sucking-thing'. They didn't get it. Because also the German's call it a 'blowjob' (Blasen) and not sucking. I was not in the mood anymore with the idea that people should blow on it. Is this also a way why men easily get a fat belly?
I know, this blog post will probably end up blocked as sexually explicit content...that's why I've added it to the 'Love & Sexuality' community.
One more funny example
Okay, let's end with a normal funny lost-in-translation example then;
Me:"Who ist die Sahne? (Where is the whipped cream?)"
Her: "Deine Zähne? In deinen Mund! (Your teeth? In your mouth!)"
Seriously? Even when we both speak German, we are on a different level...I might put some 'whipped cream'... ANYWAY