I have a memory of being in about my mid 30's and sitting with my business partner after work one evening, and expressing how much I admired people who seemed to just fearlessly talk to everyone, everywhere, no matter the situation or circumstance.
Morning visitors
As an introvert, such a thing just doesn't come naturally to me.
It has never been a case of being shy or having some kind of anxiety disorder, it just doesn't enter my head to randomly start conversations with people.
Which isn't to say that I stay silent, nor that I don't have lengthy conversations with people. However — more often than not — they start conversations with me.
Until I actually know someone pretty well, I was never particularly adept at expressing myself verbally; although I see myself as well-intentioned, I tend to have a bad case of "Foot-in-Mouth Disease." I call it a "bad" case because not only do I end up saying all the wrong things, I end up saying more wrong things when I try to correct my previous misstatements.
It typically feels like the spoken word is too fluid and fast moving for me to keep up.
Consequently, I often use writing not only to communicate, but also to "work through things," because it seems to move at the same pace as my thought patterns, and I have the opportunity to backspace over something that really didn't come out the way I had intended... and I get both a second, third and more chances to double check my work.
Maybe that sounds rather awkward, but I actually do OK in most social situations...
Speaking of questions, one people might be given to ask is "Why put this sort of ramble out in a blog? Why not just keep a private journal?"
There's something about keeping a public blog — regardless of whether people actually read your words — that encourages self-honesty and authenticity. It's easy to lie to yourself in a private journal. There's an old Danish expression "bordet fanger," which is a card game expression that literally translates as "the table catches."
Once you lay your thoughts and ideas out in the open they are just there, and can't be undone. You might think you can just delete, but chances are somebody somewhere read them, logged them and noticed them.
Ans so, there's an accountability there; you have to be mindful with your words; with your self-expression.
Consciousness and mindfulness can turn out to be a lot of work! And maybe part of the reason it often seems like we don't get what we want (or hope for) in life is precisely that we "go to sleep" and allow external factors to not only disrupt our true story, but actually write the story for us in ways that are not an honest expression of ourselves.
Even though the world has a long history of passing along history in the oral tradition, much is often lost along the way... a bit like a giant game of that "telephone" game many of us played as kids.
But to bring the rabbit back around, even though I might have admired those who have the oratory gift and the ability to start conversations everywhere, I also know that it is not for me, and never will be.
We all have to find the form of expression that works best of us and not let the external world dictate what is "right" and what is "wrong."
Thanks for reading, and have a great rest of your week!
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Created at 2024-09-12 00:35 PDT
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