I don't often miss four days in a row from blogging/writing, but I just did.
Whether it's the full Moon, or my personal cycles or something completely different, I am well aware that my inclination to be creative ebbs and flows... according to no particular pattern.
It used to really annoy me... perhaps because I used to feel a greater need to "be in control" of my life and the outcomes of things in it. These days... I just don't care as much.
When I was a little kid, "the adults" would often talk about what they were "contributing to life." It seemed like a really important thing, but somehow I seemed to escape having any such desires or delusions of grandeur.
I mostly just wanted to be left alone.
But this same idea was repeatedly raised when I was in high school, and approaching the time to go to college.
"What do you want to CONTRIBUTE to life?"
I was genuinely impressed with those in my peer group who not only knew that they wanted to contribute, but also what they wanted to contribute.
Having no answer at the time... but knowing that I was supposed to "make something of myself," I forged ahead with getting myself a nice University degree in Finance, because it seemed like a useful thing that might serve to answer that pesky question.
Alas, that didn't help much!
There was nothing authentic about that degree, other than a vague knowledge that I would get it because I was good with numbers. Didn't mean I liked numbers, just that I understood them.
All these years later, I can say - with a lot of certainty - that I never actually used that degree for anything, least of all my parents, "proxy ambition" for me to become some kind of "captain of industry."
On reflection, it seems likely that some people are just born without a built-in sense of ambition. Hence my relatively aimless approach to much of my life... something I feel neither particularly proud nor ashamed of. It simply is.
But as to the whole contributing thing, I could never see it in terms of the typical inputs people seem to be looking for. What about contributing kindness, or maybe compassion or something like that? I guess it never fit the whole "Captains of Industry" image. I dunno.
It does make me pause to consider the likely connection between my generation (Gen X) being the first to not be better off than our parents, and our insistence on such things as "being authentic" and having work that was meaningful and happy making, rather than just functional and income producing.
Still not sure what I am contributing to life, though, other than a lot of written words...
Thanks for stopping by and have a great remainder of your week!
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Created at 2024-04-24 02:13 PDT
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