I was supposedly a quiet kid; I was supposedly not interested in "establishing territory" with other boys; my mother would tell people that I was "very sensitive;" that as a baby I'd allegedly sit quietly in my playpen and observe quietly, without actually engaging with my surroundings. But these are not my memories... they are "stories" I've heard.
My own first memories of being "different" arose from the sense I quickly developed that everything in the world — in my surroundings — seemed "more" than me: people, activities, places... the WORLD... felt bigger, louder, rougher, more violent than I... just more everything.
It felt so strange... and scary, at the same time.
Why did adults need to yell so much? Maybe they weren't exactly yelling, but their voices were so often raised, even when they were communicating with someone (including me) who was right next to them. It didn't make sense. I had perfectly good ears!
Why were kids — the kids in the neighborhood I was sent out to play with — so LOUD? Sometimes it felt like they just wanted to "make noise, for noise's sake." I hated it! Whether it was that obnoxious kid down the street who was forever blowing his English policeman's whistle in my face, or "that dangerous boy" in first grade who would use almost any excuse to set off firecrackers... why all the NOISE?!! And some kids would just sit there and scream, like they just wanted to hear the sound of their own voice. It hurt my ears...
Why did the other boys always want to FIGHT? Simply playing seemed to be sustainable for only a few minutes before someone felt the need to "have a fight." I do remember soon getting labeled a sissy because I didn't want to fight with people, every ten minutes. My lack of "fighting spirit" was almost immediately labeled as being afraid. Nobody seemed able to grasp that I simply didn't want to.
What was the point?
I was probably somewhere in the range of six to eight years old when I first became aware that it felt like people had a certain "energy" around them. At the time, I couldn't really associate anything meaningful with feeling the energies and moods of others... so I thought of them in terms of shapes and everyday objects.
Most kids... well, at least most boys... felt either like "chainsaws" or "jackhammers" to me: they were scarily loud, and unpredictably dangerous and destructive. Girls were generally "softer" and not so scary (which is why I generally preferred their company)... they felt more like "bee hives;" typically a soft pleasant buzz, but they could become screaming and deadly, sometimes at a moment's notice. Some felt more like thistles; beautiful to look at, but thorny and painful if you got too close.
Adults were a little different.
Most men were like tractors or heavy trucks: noisy, often to the point of drowning out all other sound; powerful... and occasionally stinky. Some (like my father) felt more like "thunderstorms;" much of the time they were impressive clouds drifting around... but they couldsuddenly "explode" into something truly scary and deafening, when you least expected it.
Adult women were — on the whole — the least scary and overwhelming persons in my life... many seemed soft and fairly quiet, so I felt less on edge in their company and less like I just wanted to go hide somewhere.
The one thing that mostly scared me was that there were some who seemed like... like they were trying to "pull the life out of me" so (I presumed) they could make it their own. Of course, as a child had had no concept of such things as "energy vampires" or people trying to get unconditional love from others "by extraction."
As I felt all these energies around me, I gradually learned that my best strategy to avoid getting buffeted and hurt by them was to practice the fine art of Not Being Noticed.
It was evidently something I became quite good at, because even as a 60-something, 6'4" adult male, I still seem able to move through space (the house, outdoors, a crowd, whatever) in such a way that people often don't even notice that I am there... and it actually scares the hell out them that I seem able to suddenly "appear" (or DIS-appear) next to them, without a sound.
As a kid, I learned how to intuit when something bad was about to happen, because the surrounding energy would be changing (usually building up), so I would either leave the scene or learn to change what I was doing in such a way that whatever seemed to be "boiling up" would simmer down again... and the impending explosion of loudness would be avoided.
When I look back on those days — now with 50+ years of hindsight — I recognize that it was there I started to "lose my sense of self," because I put so much effort into adapting myself in whatever way I could, so as to avoid any "loud explosions" around me... as a result of which anything I personally wanted to do or say was pushed into the background.
As an adult, noise sensitivity remains one of my primary sensitivities. I just don't do LOUD well. I am personally not loud, and I don't like loud things... from jet engines and chain saws to high volume stereos and night clubs. Loud makes me feel like someone is actively beating the side of my head with a wooden board, taking particular care to hit my eardrums every time they land a blow!
People sometimes ask me if my noise sensitivity has gotten less with age... and the answer is no. What has gotten better is my ability to understand and manage my exposure to noisy people and environments, and the overwhelming effect they have. What has also gotten better is my ability to accept "being in a state of discomfort" for measured and finite periods of time.
It's just one of those things you have to deal with...
Thanks for stopping by, and have a great weekend!
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Created at 2025.03.15 00:32 PDT
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