Cold chair.
Steady beep.
Sterile air.
Drugged sleep.
In spite of himself, he smiled. He hadn't intended to make a poem but rather just was taking stock of all his senses. How appropriate for the setting of this scene - to be recalling the creative writing lessons she had given 20 years ago.
She had been young and attractive then, but her beauty had been used against her. Her mind was sharp and her intelligence was off the charts, but all they saw was a pretty, blonde sex symbol. She was every male student's wet dream - a gorgeous female teacher with strict authority and legs for miles. She seemed as near as Norma Rae, while still being as unattainable as Marilyn. They all gave her a run for her money, but none as much as Ryan.
He didn't know why he caused such havoc in her classroom. Now as an adult, he could look back with an attempt of clarity and try to analyze the mindset of a 17- year old boy. She had always treated them with respect that they didn't deserve, and had seemed to be clever enough to sniff out bullshit when they were knee deep in it, but unbeknownst to him, she gave him chance after chance to redeem himself.
He would say all the right things and feign repentance yet again, and she would look at him with...this look. What was that look? It wasn't lust, she wasn't one of those teachers. It wasn't pity, he would recognize that quickly as his mom had mastered that expression. It wasn't disappointment, THAT was easy to pinpoint. He didn't know what the look meant, he just knew it was her look, for him.
Keeping his head tucked low, he would apologize and promise next time would be different. He understood her better now and would surely toe the line. "Thank you Miss, for sparing me detention again, I'll surely make you proud and prove I can do what you expect," and that sort of thing.
He was surprised he didn't break character right then and burst out laughing. Biting the inside of his cheek, he maintained his composure long enough to make it to the hallway. Shutting the door behind him, he would lift his head to the pack of laughing hyenas before him.
"Well?"
Ryan would smirk, cocky as ever, raising his pinky finger to the jocks tightening their circle around him. "See that, boys? I got her right there...wrapped."
Laughter erupted, followed by machismo comments and slaps on the back, congratulating their leader for once again getting the best of Miss Keira.
"How do you do it?" squeaked the youngest of the pack. His voice broke mid-sentence, announcing to all that his hormones were still wreaking havoc on his growing body and dwindling pride. He yearned for their approval, unashamed that poor Miss Keira was the object of their scorn.
"Just look sincere, nod alot, maintain eye contact until you need to look down - in shame and expressing great disappointment in yourself, swear to do better, thank her for her concern, and voila. Wrapped!"
Now, 20 years had passed since that season with Miss Keira, and here he was saying his goodbyes. She was only 42 years old, just 5 years his senior, but disease was without prejudice; it took the old and feeble along with the young and promising. Surprisingly, she was still beautiful. At the time of high school it seemed they were eons apart as far as age, but she had been just out of University. It had been her first teaching job, and she had excelled - despite all the problems he had given her. She stirred in her sleep and began coughing.
"Can I have a sip of water, please," she held her trembling arm outstretched towards the unknown visitor.
"Sure!" he moved quickly to the side table and carefully placed the straw near her open lips.
Sipping slowly, her breathing was tempered and painfully slow. Each gulp looked like it caused agony, but clearly she was in desperate need of hydration. After her final swallow, she touched her lips gently, patting the water from her mouth with grace and quiet dignity. Her eyelashes fluttered up to his face. Tilting her head, a wistful look of recognition passed over her face.
"Mister Ryan Haggerty, as I live and breathe." Ironically, she wheezed delicately with every breath, and her life was not guaranteed much longer.
"Hi." It was all he could say. His eyes scanned hers briefly before swinging down to his toes. His heart truly felt shame and disappointment for the first time before her, and he finally wished that he had done better.
"Don't give me that look. It didn't work on me then, and it sure as cuss isn't working now."
He laughed at her expression. All the other teachers had been quick to yell and fast to damn them but not Miss Keira. She had always replaced foul words with "cuss", as she had seen in a favorite movie.
"What do you mean it didn't work then? I never got one detention!"
She reached back with slender arms and pushed with all her might to bring herself to a more dignified position. Ryan sat down in the chair next to her, allowing her head to be higher than his.
"That's better, young man," her eyes sparkled with mischief. She deepened her voice into a gruff masculine voice, "Just look sincere and nod alot, boys! Swear to do better and voila - she'll be wrapped!"
Blood pinked his ears and cheeks as it rushed into his face.
She laughed heartily, followed by a coughing fit. He rushed to her, but she waved him away. "I'm fine." She tilted her head and smiled. "What? Do you really think you boys could stand right outside my door, acting like fools and not be heard?"
"Why didn't you just punish me? You knew I deserved it."
"I could have. I could have humbled you easily, and I could have snuffed out your flame. But I knew that life would be teaching you many more lessons than I could, in time. Instead of rapping you on the wrist with a yardstick, I thought I would spend my energy giving you tools for the future. And from what I've seen in your career, that wager has paid off."
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I don't think it means much now, but I am."
Kiera exhaled slow and long. "If you're sincere, then it means much."
A knock at the door interrupted the moment. "How ya feelin' today, my sweet patient!" the nurse bopped in, cheery and buoyant. Ryan felt it was completely out of place and a little bit irreverent to be so happy when this woman was clearly dying. Before watiing for an answer, the nurse turned to Ryan, "Hon, you're gonna have to step out. We have a little procedure to do and Keira here is gonna want some privacy for a bit. You can come back tomorrow after visiting hours opens if you like, but you'll need to say your goodbyes now."
Two more orderlies walked in, loudly barking directions to one another. The room had gone from peaceful and serene to a scene out of a medical drama. They quickly pushed in front of him and started moving the bed, pushing carts, checking IVs. Ryan looked between their bodies to catch Keira's attention but she was already wincing from being moved, poked and prodded. He ducked his head once more, and quietly left the room.
And that was the last time he had seen her. Just a few days later, she passed away from complications from the disease and he had simply felt the weight of death and the burden of life. For years, he could have come to her and offered his apology. He hadn't needed to wait until it was literally death's door that brought him to her. He had waited, but in the nick of time, he had made peace.
Or had he?
Maybe he had offered peace, but he wasn't sure he would have it himself any time soon. Perhaps that was part of the lessons that life would teach him, as she had predicted. He looked down at his pinkie finger and rubbed it, thinking about how he had thought her to be wrapped. It seemed wasteful, the way he had squandered her time. Now she was gone, and he would have to live with the choices he had made. He could tell she had long since forgiven him, but he wondered how long it would be until he could forgive himself.
Dear reader: I struggled with the ending of this story because I wanted some great resolution, some redeemable moment where it all made sense and faith in humanity was restored. And then I realized that the reason why I struggled so much is because THIS IS the ending. It is not splashy. This is not a sitcom. This is everyday life.
He wasted time but lived; she was generous with her life but died. Sometimes the end comes without a blockbuster finale. More often than not, this is the case.
So my advice to you is to cherish time, appreciate connection, be kind and generous, and love to the fullest. That is all. ❤️
Image source, "Laughing hyena pack" - created by me, with Midjourney
