I have not been very active on Hive for a year, especially for the past six months, much to the consternation of the half-dozen people who read my posts with some regularity. The primary reason for my inactivity is simple: I have not felt well.
I have chosen to use my limited energy for other purposes than writing, primarily spending time with my grandchildren. Another high priority was making it to the 50th class reunions at both the high schools I attended. I succeeded in doing so, and had a marvelous time at both of them. I came home exhausted, but it was worth the effort to see classmates I hadn't seen for years.
Somehow I managed to turn 40# of apples into applesauce, and canned 40# of pears. Some of them went into pear sauce, a new experiment for me which turned out very well. Pear crisp happened, too.
I also repainted the railing on our deck (brown) and a large storage shed (light blue). I have no idea how I found the energy to do those things. I guess I just started and made myself finish. It took a few days.
Currently I am trying yet another alternative health care provider, since traditional Western medicine has failed me. (The previous alternative health care provider was only slightly helpful, and not affordable long-term.) I know plenty of people who swear by acupuncture, but I've had a few treatments in the past and did not find it to be a pleasant experience, so I'm putting that off.
I don't think my family has any idea how exhausted I am. They all have their own worries (jobs, finances, relationships, the world), so I try not to burden them with my issues as well. I force myself to keep going, to do the things that have to be done, as well as some of the things I simply want to do, so I give the appearance of feeling fine.
Instead, I am going to dump my woes right here.
Have you ever been almost asleep, and then a noise startled you, or someone spoke to you? It wasn't loud, but you were almost asleep, so it seemed a lot louder than it was. That's how I feel most of the time. Because I sleep so poorly at night, I am half asleep all day. The phone might ring, or my husband says something to me, and it makes me jump, because I am half asleep while standing up and doing things.
I have walked out in front of moving cars in parking lots while doing errands because I was too tired to realize there was a car there. It's getting harder and harder for me to drive, because my brain works so slowly. I've gone through 'way too many yellow lights that turned red before I got through, because I couldn't decide quickly enough whether or not to apply the brakes.
After 39 years of home ownership (3 locationsj), I completely forgot to make the house payment a couple of months ago. I got distracted by a credit card payment that got lost in the mail, and forgot all about the house payment, even though the bill was sitting right there.
My youngest daughter, a single mom, relies on me heavily to babysit her 3-yr-old on days when her daycare is closed. I adore my granddaughter, but am beginning to question whether it is really safe to leave her in my care, considering how slowly my brain works some days. When she quits taking naps, I won't be able to babysit any more because I need a nap to get through the rest of the day.
I don't think I am developing dementia; I think this is all the result of severe sleep deprivation. Perhaps that will lead to dementia if nobody can help me. I have tried the "sleep hygiene" suggestions: My room is dark, 66 degrees, white noise machine and small air cleaner running. I avoid alcohol, caffeine, and bright screens near bedtime. I do take a nap, because I usually can't make it through the day without one. The one thing I haven't been able to try is turning off the wi-fi at night, because other family members use it until the wee hours of the morning.
Sleeping pills don't help: they are actually sedatives, which make me not awake, but not properly sleeping. I had to quit taking them because I woke up so groggy and not feeling rested. I get the same results from melatonin. Valerian messes with my brain.
The sleep apnea test was negative.
Exercise doesn't seem to make a consistent difference in how I sleep, nor does what I eat or when I eat. Sleep comes and goes at will, occasionally cooperating, usually not.
So here I am, plugging away at life, trying to live normally, trying to be cheerful, and not really succeeding at either. Now I am going to go outside and prune another spirea bush, because it needs to be done, nobody else is going to do it, and I can't just sit here feeling miserable all day.