Last week I caught up with a childhood friend. It was a 2 1/2 hour phone conversation that flowed effortlessly. She lives on another continent and in another time zone, so our sporadic calls or texts can be 2 years apart sometimes. Despite that, it was a great time. We have not outgrown or drifted from each other. We still have a lot in common - hence the long phone call.
True friendship isn't about being inseparable - it's being separated and knowing nothing will change.”― Robert Fisher
Our long conversation got me thinking about friends and friendships. Friends come in all shapes and sizes, ages, colours and characters. Sometimes friends meet in unusual places or circumstances. I will share some stories and thoughts which came to mind.
Casual conversations led to friendships
I was traveling via train from Luxembourg to Amsterdam. In Paris, the train stopped and many people boarded. A female that looked around my age sat across from me. We greeted each other with hello as she settled herself. I continued watching passengers as they boarded, until the train began to move, then I went back to reading. Despite having a good book - by the end of the journey one would never have guessed that I met the stranger a few hours before. We exchanged numbers and 20 years later - we are still friends.
On another occasion, I saw the wife of an acquaintance at an event - we had only met once before. We were delighted that we saw each other again - a familiar and friendly face amongst hundreds. We had a good time and decided to make a concerted effort to keep in touch. We have similar taste and now she is my "movies friend". We can also decipher current affairs and pretty much everything else. We have some commonalities from our teenage days - so talking with each other feels like we are old friends.
Sometimes I meet a lot of people but they are just acquaintances. However, good acquaintances are important too. Every so often one of the relationships with acquaintances will morph into friendship. Just last week, we had friends over for dinner. We met them whilst on vacation 5 years ago. It doesn’t happen all the time but when it does, it is special.
My family moved somewhat frequently when I was a child. Not only within the countries but to other continents and countries. I guess I developed a personality which made me open to meeting and connecting with new people. I don't have a specific strategy on how to make friends. I am just myself and it happens or not. I used to make a concerted effort but that has changed as I age. I do realise that when the nest becomes empty, my husband and I will most likely have a lot of time on our hands - so a circle of good friends is important. However, these things cannot be forced.
Different types of relationships
As everyone is not the same - so will our relationship and types of friends. There will be the listener, the talker, the serious or quirky one, the life and soul of the party, the analyzer, the philosopher etc. The beauty is that it takes all sorts. Sometimes we need a dose of one or the other.
Recently, I sat at a cafe in my neighborhood with an out-of-town friend. We’ve known each other for 18 years. At least 4 people entered the cafe and came over to greet me. My friend remarked that I know a lot of people. I reminded her that it is my neck of the woods and the same might be true for her where she lives. Also that none of those people know me very well.
Would you invite acquaintances for a cup of tea in a cafe or to join you at home for dinner? If you would, does that mean that that person is your friend?
Having a cup of tea in a cafe can be an informal thing but dinner at home together is definitely crossing the threshold - pun intended.
Not all friendships lasts
I had a very good friend for about 5 years. Our kids were school friends so inevitably we did a lot with the class and as families. Unfortunately my friend was severely depressed after a series of misfortunes. This was very sad and she received professional help and I tried my best to be supportive. She left the country and despite our bond, our communication dwindled then stopped. I was not aware when she returned to the country or left again. I know that she is alive though. My children stay updated via her daughter’s social media.
A mother from school lamented that I was so good to her and that she is ungrateful. I see it differently. One should always do things from the heart; thereafter it is irrelevant if a friendship lasts or whether the deeds are reciprocated. Of course I was disappointed at first, as no communication seemed odd. However, there are always valuable lessons to be learnt. I had to embrace and accept the unexpected and move on.
I really like the expression -
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. - Unknown
Although I have just given examples and also mentioned that it is good to have different types of friends - I think it goes without saying that one ought not to develop relationships and have types and/or categories in mind when meeting new people. It just happens naturally. Then we know who we can go for a long walk with or watch a particular movie with, share a personal or silly story with or have a talk about the deeper meaning of life with etc.
After reflection - one realises how well the saying fits with life. For instance:
- my depressed friend was for a reason as I was available when she needed a caring friend,
maybe we both needed each other for a period of time - so our friendship lasted for a season and - my childhood friend will most likely be a friend for a lifetime.
However, even after thinking that someone falls in a particular category, we must remember that nothing is "set in stone".
It is about quality not quantity
Human relations and contact are needed by everyone. Hence, true friendships are a blessing. These friends become like family. As the Bible says:
For better is a neighbour that is near than a brother far off. -Proverbs 27:10
For me, good friends in my neighborhood are the biblical truth - they are like my family.
As I grow older my friendships change. In addition, I need less friends. Things are not the same like when we were kids. We have jobs, maybe a family, hobbies etc. and not much time. As a result, we are more fussy about our friends. Friendships also take time and energy. It is important to be recognised as a friend and also for that friendship to be reciprocated. Therefore, having too many friends could be very tiresome. The focus should be on the quality of our relationships not the quantity of friends we have.
Typically we choose friends - knowingly or unknowingly - based on our own character and personality. Even when our friends seem so different from ourselves - there is some commonality. I also like that expression -
Show me your company and I will tell you who you are. -Unknown
As I write these words - I can almost here my grandmother saying it.😀
Time is life - so needless to say we do need to be picky about who we are spending our time with. Time passes swiftly and once it's gone we cannot retrieve it. As a result, if friendships drift apart - we need to let go. On the other hand, if we have good friends - we must remember to treasure them.
All photos are my own - taken with an iPhone