It's easy to feel worthless when living in a society that tells you worth equates productivity and output. It is, I think, the reason why so many of us get caught up in this rat race, where we feel compelled to make, to earn, and then subsequently to spend. It feels like that's us meaning something, and it fits nicely with this modern focus on individualism - all you need to focus on is you. What you do. What you make. What you buy (ideally for yourself).
Except maybe that's not where it's at.
I spent a very nice day in the country yesterday, something I haven't done in a while, and I wasn't sure I was gonna like it. I get antsy when I'm pulled from my usual rhtythm, and more so when I feel like I'm wasting time. I can be very chill, but only if I allow myself beforehand to hang loose, and I happened to do that, just in time. 'Cause there was this part of me convinced it was gonna be a bit of a waste of time - why do nothing in the country when you can do something in the city? Ideally something productive?
But so often, our thoughts and expectations set patterns, and I knew if I was gonna see it like that, I was better off staying home. So I made the effort to shift my attitude, and figured fuck it, let's do a day in the country.
And not see it as a waste of time, but as being productive in a different way. For better or worse, 2025 has so far meant hanging out with my extended family a fair bit. It's a pretty large and unusual clan and someone was saying recently how interesting it might be to have so many cousins all around the same age, and I thought you know, they're not wrong. Sure, like all families, we have our disagreements. It's not nothing to have all these someones in my life who have been ever-present, and for whom I've been a constant, as well. A few days ago, one of them reminded me of walking through Lyon together a few years ago and I thought hey yeah, we've seen quite a few different stages of each other, haven't we? Isn't that exciting?
That was maybe why I agreed to visit my aunt in the country. I thought there was something to gain, and I wasn't wrong. I found, once you give yourself permission (if, like me, you're someone who needs to do that), a whole wealth of experiences opens up to you. I spent hours talking with my aunt, listening to her, having a genuine, beyond-surface talk. I shared morning coffee with my uncle for the first time ever. I observed. I took in. I tried to be truthful without depleting myself.
I met this wonderful lovely guy:
Look at him. He's huge. And also really cuddly. Once he'd established there was room for cuddles and scruffles, he wouldn't get out of the kitchen. It was great, 'cause I didn't want him to.
I think one of the drawbacks with making your own schedule and working, as I do, a loose, freelance style, is that you can easily slip into a tyrant. At the office, there's a clear clock-in and clock-out time, but when it's me making the rules, I can sometimes feel like I'm not doing enough. So it was damn fine giving myself a break for once and opening myself up to the people around me who, for better or worse, are family. Who are there for good. Who mean something.
It was a good day. A really happy, really chill day, and it sounds like cliche, but I found an ease washing dishes, sharing stories over coffee, and watching old movies in the middle of the day. And I realize it might sound like complete nonsense - so you watched an old film at noon instead of working, so what? It's not like I have a strict, rigid job. Thankfully, none of us do. Which means we get to share moments like this every once in a while. Hanging out in the middle of a Wednesday doing fuck all. Chatting. Breaking bread. And I realize now I have no idea right now how valuable these memories will be someday.
But I have a feeling they'll come in at a lot more than a day spent writing shit I'm gonna delete anyway in editing or driving myself up the wall. I'm not materialistic by nature. I don't give a fuck about expensive things. But I do understand how people get hooked on spending the money they earn - after all, this losing important moments, this driving yourself up the wall needs to be for something. And for me, I can say it is. But it shouldn't be at the expense of days like this.
P.S.: Cheers @graveyardpat for the pic!