"Why are you here?"
It's a question that sounds simple enough, but when I stop to think about it, it's not as straightforward as it seems. Sure, I'm here working, studying computer science at the university, but one question I've often asked myself is: Why am I here in the first place? And I'm not just talking about my degree -I'm talking about the choices I've made in life and how they've led me to where I am today.
My story isn't one where I've had full control over the direction of my life. My father has always been the one deciding. From small decisions, like what I'd be doing after school, to bigger ones like what I'd study, and even what my future should look like. From the time I was young, I've never really had the chance to choose for myself. While my friends would talk about their plans and their dreams, I would sit quietly, knowing that even if I made a plan for myself, it wouldn't matter. My father's plan would always come first.
When I was younger, I didn't think much about it. My father's decisions felt like they were the best for me, and I could see that. But as I got older, I started feeling the weight of it. I wanted to decide things for myself. I wanted to know what it would be like to make my own choices, to take ownership of my life in a way that didn't feel like I was following someone else's blueprint.
It's a strange feeling, having your life mapped out for you, even when you know the person doing the mapping has your best interests at heart. But there's a part of me that's always been curious about what I'd choose if I had the freedom to do so. What if I could decide what I wanted to study? What if I could plan my weekend myself? What would it be like to chase something that was entirely mine? What if I could choose a different path, without worrying that my father's decision would override mine?
But I guess that's why I'm here. Even though the path wasn't mine to choose, I've made the best of it. I've found my own way within the structure that's been laid out for me. I've learned to carve out my own space, to build my own identity, even when the big decisions weren't mine to make. It's like being given the ingredients for a dish and having to figure out how to make it your own.
Some days, it feels like I'm still trying to catch up. But other days, I'm reminded that the things I've experienced -the ones I couldn't control- have shaped me in ways I didn't expect. I've learned how to make sense of the pieces I was given, even if they didn't fit the picture I thought I was supposed to have. And through it all, I've learned something important: I don't need to have every decision be mine to grow. I can still find my own voice, even when it's within the confines of someone else's plan.
Why am I here?
Maybe it's because life doesn't always give us a choice, but it still gives us a chance - to grow, to learn, to find ourselves even in places we didn't choose. I'm here because this path, though not mine to begin with, is shaping me in ways that matter. I'm learning to take up space, to ask questions, to wonder, and to figure out how to balance my dreams with the reality I was handed. I may not have had the freedom to draw the map, but I'm learning how to walk it in my own way.
And maybe that's enough for now.
I don't think I have the exact answer to the question. But maybe being here -exactly where I am- is the start of finding it.
Image is mine