Someone could tell me today that I am kind, and then a different person could say that I am stern. On different days, people could say that I am "this," while some may say "that." And it's the same for everyone, as we are neither black nor white every day of our lives. We are paradoxical beings, seeming different and even contradictory on some days.
Everyone has the right to perceive what they want about anything. Everyone has a perception of themselves as well as other people. And mostly, we tend to live according to perceptions and act accordingly. What's interesting, however, is that when it comes to ourselves, the following quote applies aptly to most of us:
The challenge today is, I am not what I think I am; I am not what you think I am; I am what I think you think I am. - Charles Horton Cooley
As Jay Shetty explains, we live in a perception of a perception of ourselves. That is, if I think that you think I am smart, then I feel smart. Conversely, if I think that you think I am weak, then I feel weak. What this implies is that we put ourselves in this conundrum, this box that constrains us to act in certain ways that do not always align with what we really want. Because we are worried of what we think of what other people think of us.
Holding back. That's what many of us tend to do when we live in perceptions of perceptions of ourselves. We just restrict ourselves from exploring ourselves and what we really want. That's what I have done for a long time anyway. And it sure doesn't help one grow.
In many cases, I have found myself living for people. I would do things with respect to what someone may think about them. In reality, I should consider what I actually think and want and be genuine with myself. Failing to do so, I could find myself on the brink of bending myself—if I haven't already.
You know when you do something and then you feel like it isn't good enough, that people wouldn't like it, and then you people say different things instead. "Man, I really love your guitar playing." "Those were profound words you shared on your post, mate." And then you wonder if it's the same work that you had already condemned.
Self-sabotaging. We do that a lot, too. And many times, that hinders us from progressing. I have told myself, "Nah, this isn't going to make much sense," so I would just let it be. The sad truth, however, is that you can't develop where you do not explore.
We cannot be 100% every day. We hardly feel like we are in our best form every time. And that's okay. For me, I like to do what I can and embrace whatever I deliver when I am trying to show up every day, rather than let my self-sabotaging win.
Truly living. It is actually burdensome to care too much about what people think of us. People will always think what they want, and they will, but the reality is that we usually don't know exactly what they think of us most of the time. As a matter of fact, people think about us and what we do way less than we actually think.
I know for sure that I do not think much about the works of other people, even so much as to scrutinise and criticise them. I wouldn't find someone's artwork and begin to think about where and if the brushes were applied correctly in certain parts. And so if people don't even think that much about us, why self-sabotage?
Now, I am not a great dancer. As much of an excellent dancer I am in my head, there isn't so much that I can reflect in reality. And that thought often has me holding back on opportunities to dance and have fun. Recently, I changed that.
"What was that you were doing at the party last night, bro?" Said in a non-derogatory manner, that's more like the responses I received. Apparently, my dance moves weren't the most fabulous. I knew that, though, but I really didn't care. I was actually having fun—something that I haven't had much of lately—and that was all that mattered to me. And speaking of what other people think, I'd like to touch on being nice versus being kind.
For a long time, I stuck with being a nice guy. I never really thought much about it until I started to realise what it really was. Essentially, being nice often involves polite and agreeable behavior. And surely, being always agreeable is a detrimental quality. Being kind, on the other hand, is much different and goes deeper; it involves genuine care, compassion, and empathy for others as well as oneself.
How this nice vs. kind analogy comes in is that fussing over what people think of us can lead us to want to be nice, so they do not think negatively of us. Kindness, however, especially to oneself, puts wellbeing as a priority, and that involves setting healthy boundaries and enforcing them, which often defies the notion of other people.
We don't have to live in perceptions of perceptions of ourselves. Such are illusions that hamper growth. The more we focus on exploring and understanding ourselves for ourselves, the more clarity we get on how to develop.
I find profound teachings in the words of Jay Shetty in his podcast, On Purpose. In countless episodes, I have learned to reflect on certain aspects of life—my life. And such is what you have seen now. Here's a link if you would like to indulge yourself.
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