I will attempt to put into words, some of my most bizarre and mad thoughts & experiences. With 18 I became fascinated by Life, Death, God, the meaning of Reality, in an evolving slowly asending staircase of episodes initated by the passing away of my father. I already loved to read, but it was during that time that I first became acquainted with the actual realisation that there were non-fiction books that dealt on the very subjects that I had up to then only intuited traces of in the greater works of Fantasy such as Tolkien or in the ideas that wove the tapestry of Terry Pratchett's "Discworld Novels". Flipping through the works of Manly P. Hall I was immediately enchanted by what I was reading discussed on its pages. Someone seriously contemplating, discussing, sharing about all those realms & dimensions of Life, I myself was most fascinated in myself. I explored the different religions from a new vantage point of curiosity, intrigued by christian mysticism & gnostic schools of thought, indigenous shamanic practices & beliefs, islamic mystical schools of thought like sufism, indian cosmology & mythology. This whole realm of exploration widened itself after my first few encounters with psychedelics, most prominently Psilocybe. They were revelatory on many levels & enlivening initially, but also responsible for triggering its own challenges & initiations.
I experimented with them nonetheless several years, and ended those explorations mostly after a round of ayahuasca in ceremony, followed by kambo at the end of that time span. The psychedelics introduced my mind to too much information, I learned how to go into extremes of associative paranoia, while equally into intense moments of dissociative psychosis.
From Everything is done by God in a personal conversation to me. In its most beautiful associative intensity.
to Everything is infernal and everyone is plotting against me in paranoid schizophrenia levels.
From total loss of sense of self, no longer being able to differentiate between where I start or End, or where another thing, starts or ends, that just felt like the entire gear work of my mind went into terrifying free fall.
To moments of challenging dissociation between my old self & what was emerging instead. In a Limbo, not knowing who one really is anymore in the face of all one had seen & witnessed.
After working with such intense catalysts of change like psychedelics, I became naturally curious to explore more subtle ways of integrating the lessons that could be learned about Life by exploring a communication with consciousness here in all its Forms. At some point I arrived at Alchemy.
Here I became fascinated by the philosophy & actual practical lab work. I had already explored making my own tinctures before, but through the lens of alchemical philosophy, tinctures were pretty much that subtle way I was seeking to explore. I created several of my own first spagyric tinctures, but I also got my hands on essential oils of metals. These were actual oils catalysed by using the metal in organic solvents or via destructive distillation of metallic acetates. I obtained a set which contained a metallic oil obtained from one of each of the 7 Planets, The Oil of Gold, The Oil of Silver, The Oil of Mercury, The Oil of Venus, The Oil of Mars, The Oil of Jupiter & the Oil of Saturn.
My own herbal tinctures were effective, I did notice quite a lot of themes related to the archetype of the rose popping up in my life over the span of the time that I grew my own roses, then harvested them & made a tincture out of them & began using it.
But when I finally got the metallic oils, I could not believe what they were doing, they felt like something akin to psychedelics, but without any inebriating effects, you are perfectly normal, just now there seems to be a pronounced new voice literally interfacing with your everyday reality. Giving lessons pertaining to the archetype of the oil it corresponded to.
& things got only weirder then, the same person creating these oils shared how to make them, in 2018 he announced the release of his oil of Morningstar, which was basically the oil of gold exalted to that state which would be considered the philosopher's stone. End of 2018 it was announced, beginning 2019 I put in my order at which point reality started to get the strangest it had ever been, concurrent with the arrival of my package from the USA, even where I lived the first restrictions & lockdowns were beginning to be enforced.
The one, from whom I got the oils, disappeared after sending out that first batch of orders of that final oil. His life apparently fell into chaos & so too did that of the world stage. My most mad self in me is almost convinced that this oil began the final initiation of the Lead of our Humanity into The Gold of Humanity. Not just for those who partook in that oil, but also everyone living through these times. All I can say so far, that it tore my life as I knew it apart. It smashed to smithereens comforts. It put me under quarantine, under lockdown, while also sent me wandering thousands of kilometres in the last year, at the edge of what I thought I could handle, stripping me to my bare-bones, reality flashing all sorts of terrifying faces, in one instance total faith & in another filled with a million doubts.
I spent a total of 2 years exploring those metallic oils, before I received that final order which characterised the peak oddity moment, but just those oils themselves, would blow my mind, I had this discreet vial that smelled of the most beautiful essential oils imaginable, which when I ingested them literally started manifesting through the cracks of every boundary possible to use as vehicle of their own expression. That final oil, I feel has never diminished in its potency, the others made their imprint, but their intensity diminished once the oils were discontinued, that final oil felt like a zero-point, a point of no return, rippling backwards & forwards through time. Something began then, that is still ongoing. Where it all might Lead to still is everybody's guess, while the trials of fire we walk through might seem infernal, the best part in me feels that these are not trials of punishment or senseless fire, but of a fire that is meaningful, a fire that is helping us transform back into divine sovereign beings. We are being given, each one, the opportunity to become individually "the True Stone of the Wise".
- A short venture & summary into my intimately insane contemplations.
(Pictures are my own, from our current trip crossing Italy. The Topmost artwork is made from a composite collage of one of these beach photos.)