It started out perfect like any other day. The weather seemed good though I didn't bother to go out and check, these last few weeks I have not even ventured into my garden. Thank God for the rain, the plants didn't need watering. Worried as I was about the state of the weeds in the garden, I had no energy to walk another flight of stairs to reach the terrace. I let nature do her thing.
After breakfast and a few chores I felt the first signs of discomfort. As always I decided to ignore it, 😊 but things were getting a bit weirder than usual. Suspecting acidity and heartburn I tried to manage it with prescription drugs. I managed to cook and serve lunch, but right after that things went south. My chest, shoulder, back and the tips of my fingers were hurting and within a couple of hours they on fire, I mean it was just as if they were on fire.
I quickly took out my blood pressure monitor and asked my husband to check and the numbers were dancing near the double century mark. I had to call my son now and describe how I felt. My son spoke to his dad asking him to rush me to the hospital ASAP. Calling emergency or an ambulance would take time, so the hubs drove me all the way in the mad traffic at break neck speed.
The last few minutes before taking the turn to the hospital was so difficult. Palpitation became heavier with pain reaching new heights. I prayed asking for forgiveness and healing and laid back as calmly as I could. I didn't want the hubs to panic and do something crazy. Personally I felt no fear, no other thoughts in my head except that God is good. WHAT IF YOU DIE? asked the never ending questioner from within. If that is how things were to be - que sera sera, I thought. This scripture, "perfect love casts out all fear," floated into my head.
The next thing I noticed was that my sons were there at the entrance to the ER. I just managed to open the car door how I managed my way to the stretcher is still a blur. In the ER I think I was the calmest at that moment. The doctors were panicking seeing the monitors above my head. They were pumping me with all that they learned of to stabilize me. I tried to answer all the questions correctly and follow instructions as best as I could..
Negativity and darkness tried to fill my mind from some words the slipped into my ears. Before these could take over my mind I decided to walk the path of gratitude. I brought into my mind everything I needed to be grateful for and the endless procession of thanks giving went on like a movie in my head.
I have always found that gratitude does much more than put me in a positive and calm frame of mind. It opens up my mind to miracles and the impossible. Each time to I venture on this journey of gratitude it brings to remembrance all the times I have walked away from the valley of the impossible without a scratch on my mind or body.
Earlier that morning around 3a.m. I had this dream. I was a 6 yo and was 'described' as lost. I found myself being taken to some place that looked like a hospital where they asked me for my address. I gave it to them clear as crystal and the person asking me wondered loudly why did they say I was were lost. Looking at me the person said, "you know your address, you are not lost can go home now". They put me in a cab and sent me home. Weird as it was I remembered this dream at this moment when I was declared stable.
I then started hearing voices of those in pain around me as things stabilized within. I spent the next hour and a half praying for each of them. When you take the focus of yourself you see your pain receded into nothingness and your troubles don't seem half as big. Then I had friends visiting me. Actually these were not my friends but my son's friends and colleagues.
There was a lot of advice an professional tips thrown around, which I am grateful for. Then came the dreadful part, being moved into the cardiac care unit (the intensive care) The noise and the groaning here didn't promise a quite night for me. I was brazing for the worst, and that proved right. The noises and the moaning grew louder towards midnight. Duty doctors rushed in and out and I didn't get to sleep much.
It was early morning before I slept. I decided that I had had enough of this and asked to be moved out since I was stable. Somehow they let me move into a private room where I could be monitored the same way but with a little more privacy.
Just as I was wheeled out I knew something bad was happening there. A couple of the patients who were there had passed on. It is hard to keep your mind thinking positive when everything around you seems to be falling apart. Yet, I tried to remain as calm and positive as always.
Doctors visits and tests took over the rest of the days. My son had bought a pack of UNO cards and we played UNO or on his iPad when I was bored. I found the game of carom less challenging and more fun as I goofed around.
Amidst all this I let go of of my desires, goals, ambitions and opened my heart to accept life as it came. I found myself getting better as I mentally and emotionally opened my myself up, just being grateful for everyone in my life and all the things I had enjoyed this far.
It was at that moment I realized that everything that we consider important, all that we spend so much time on is actually worthless. Only the ones we love and our faith that is of any consequence at that point in life.
In my head I had known this all along, but this idea took a deeper meaning and a deeper levels of revelation came in. Will life ever be the same? I am not sure, but I guess my priorities will change and life will take a different dimension, not too different but still a whole lot different than what it was in the week before now I guess.
Amusing as it maybe, my only worry during all this was my little girl who would miss me. Zoe, (our little pet dog) usually loses her mind when I am not around, however, she seemed to be doing well or that was what I was told each time I asked my husband or my sons.
I was not too keen on sharing my experience here, but finally something told me it maybe worth sharing. I know that this may not mean anything to everyone but it could be a message for someone. So, here you have my experience of how life can go from being fantastic to flickering, from being firmly under control to fast fading. There is nothing much you can do about it, when change comes it is important to be graceful and accept what lies before you and fight through it all, again with grace and acceptance.
I am so grateful to be back, I may not be as active as I was I guess, I'll take things as they come. I love writing so I will be here, don't think I am quitting.
Thank you for reading, supporting and encouraging.
Images used here are mine. Edited on Canva.