“If you are not mentally ready to bring a child into this world, why then did you try to? You tried because you were ready, now stop nagging and take care of your baby!”
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About 70% of new mothers hear this statement at least once while journeying through motherhood. They hear it from society, the nurses who attend to them, mothers-in-law, friends, co-workers, or even their husbands. There are so many things wrong with this statement, but let’s start from the top, shall we?
First of all, is anyone ever mentally ready to bring another being into this world and be responsible for every little detail concerning them?
When I was younger—around 12 years old—I used to think the 20s were the big age. “When I’m 22, I’ll officially be an adult with a house and a car.” Lol, somebody say delulu? Well, that was the mentality of a child. But guess what? I’m 23 now, and I still feel like a child. And that is exactly how mothers feel too. It doesn’t matter at what age a woman brings a child into this world the truth is, she’s also a first-timer, navigating motherhood with no instruction pamphlet or guiding manual.
There’s no book to tell her:
- “When your daughter is 2 years old, she’ll develop a fever so serious, but don’t worry, it will pass.”
- “When your baby is 7 months, he’ll develop constipation in the middle of the night—just ensure you’re awake at so-so time and so-so date to quickly take him to the hospital.”
- “When your son is 10, he’ll develop an interest in football—make sure he doesn’t develop that interest, or he may get into a fatal accident that’ll cost him the ability to walk straight.”
THERE IS NO MANUAL!
And that is why people need to cut mothers some slack. Just because they are biologically meant to be mothers doesn’t mean they have it all figured out. Truth be told, they don’t, at all. They’re just people, children who have grown into experience and age, navigating the world for the first time as well.
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Now, secondly, it goes without saying that women are walking, breathing bundles of hormones covered by flesh. For women, there’s a hormone, a mood for every week.
There’s the Menstrual Phase, where you ask yourself, “Why does the universe hate me so much?” You debate taking painkillers or not because you don’t want your body getting used to them, thereby rendering them useless. But then, the painkiller just stares at you like, “If you continue to defy me, your life will be reduced to an unending sequence of agonizing torture.” (Yeah, got that line from Klaus, The Originals). And shall we talk about crying over EVERYTHING? The tears just flow alongside the period. Do you think women want to cry over every little thing during the menstrual phase? Exactly!
Then comes the Follicular Phase, where life is suddenly rosy again, you can breathe, you can sleep well, oh look—are those rainbows and butterflies? Life is beautiful again!
Without warning, Ovulation comes in, and suddenly, you can’t tell if you really miss your ex and want to work things out or if it’s just the hormones.
While you’re still contemplating, the clouds turn dark, thunder strikes, and everything and everyone is suddenly drained of color. You wonder why your life is so imperfect, but it’s not you, babe. It’s the Luteal Phase, the worst of them all.
All these phases are what women go through every month. During periods, the cervix dilate 1 cm. During labor, it has to dilate 10 cm. Everything one goes through during these phases is tripled, or even quadrupled, during pregnancy.
One minute, you’re bubbling with joy about your happy news of expecting a baby. The next, you can’t stand up straight every morning without feeling wobbly and on the verge of separating your stomach’s contents from your body.
And shall we talk about the other things that come with pregnancy?
- Temporary mild-to-severe hair loss
- Forgetfulness
- The constant anxiety of, “Is my baby okay?”
Sometimes, I wonder if society really understands the depth of what it means to carry a baby.
And thirdly, shall we talk about the anxiety and fear? Both for mothers who got their bundle of joy right when they wanted it and for those who had been waiting a long time—the fear is real.
“What if I walk too fast and miscarry?”
“I hope I don’t eat the wrong thing.”
“Am I sleeping right?”
“What’s that pain in my lower abdomen?”
“Is my baby breathing?”
“Has my baby pooed today?”
From the process of carrying to delivering to caring for the baby, a woman forgets herself, her entire existence becomes about doing things right for the baby. So, shouldn’t we as a society show love, care, and support to the woman just as she shows her baby? While we love the newborn cutie, I think it’s even more important for us, as a society, to allow the mother to be in charge of loving and devotedly caring for the baby while we channel the majority of our love towards her.
From pregnancy to delivery, it’s important for husbands to be enlightened on the depth of what a woman is truly going through. Nobody can fully grasp the reality of motherhood and not praise a woman; let alone his wife, the mother of his child.
And the thing about society, especially in this part of the world where I’m from, is that, once the family sees how nicely and delicately the husband treats his wife, they have no choice but to follow suit.
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Now, while lack of support or love can be a trigger for postpartum depression (PPD), there’s no specific cause for it. Therefore, just like how we, as humans, are often told that we’re responsible for our own happiness, the same thing applies to mothers too.
Once you’re not depending on anyone to make you happy, any effort others put into making you happy becomes a bonus for you.
While it is important to devote your existence to your baby, don’t forget that you are also a child—maybe not literally, but in the sense that you deserve love, too.
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During pregnancy, practice self-care, look as simple, clean, and put-together as you can. And after pregnancy, eat well and get whatever quality sleep you can, whenever you can.
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There’s no manual for this thing, but know that you are a hero. You’re every shade of amazing. Through you—through your endurance, strength, patience, and love—another life was birthed. How precious are you! You are loved and honored. Thank you for your sacrifice.
And thank you for reading too! :)