I've always thought I'd be a great lover. Not because I'm a hopeless romantic, or because of how feminine and nurturing I can be, but because the concept of love has always meant something deeper to me, something beyond the superficial “I love you's,” or the need to be in a relationship to feel whole.
Like my mum usually says, “the desire to have someone that's completely yours, out of the billions of people on earth.”
My understanding of love has never stemmed from any of these perspectives. Maybe it’s the many books I’ve read, or maybe I just believe I possess a fair level of emotional intelligence. Though if we’re being honest, there’s really no true measure for it. And to be frank, society’s idea of emotional intelligence isn’t the barometer I want to use either.
For me, emotional intelligence means understanding the depth of emotions. Lately, people online seem to think it simply means “being able to love right.” But love is not the only emotion we feel as humans. There are emotions far more demanding, intense, and testing than love.
There’s anger, grief, emptiness… and even the positive ones like happiness, curiosity, excitement.
Let’s say someone who has mastered their anger ends up making impulsive, life-altering decisions because of how euphoric they feel when they’re happy. You know the type, the kind of person who starts a business or quits a job because they got one good business deal. Would we still call that person emotionally intelligent?
So here’s another question: does mastering one emotion qualify you as emotionally intelligent?
And if true emotional intelligence means mastering every emotion… well, what then is the difference between us and robots? I suppose the difference is that we actually feel these things.
This question came to me one day as I reflected on how many women who claim to be feminists now do so from a place of deep resentment. There’s this quote floating around the internet that implies feminism is the peak of emotional intelligence for a woman. But is it, really?
I once met a guy who cried at everything. A sad movie. A broken phone. Burnt food. His reasoning? That men have been told not to cry their whole lives, so letting his tears out made him “highly in tune” with his emotions and thus, emotionally intelligent.
I remember how my jaw dropped. That’s the interpretation he chose out of all the possibilities? Wild.
So for me, this idea of emotional intelligence can’t be boxed in. I’d define it as the ability to be in tune with your emotions, to feel them fully, identify their triggers, and ask: “Why do I feel this way right now?” This awareness helps ensure your emotions don’t meddle with the part of your brain responsible for logic and decision-making.
A real-life example is me. When I was younger, I didn’t realize it, but I used to be very irrational. My decisions were purely emotion-based. But over time, I started recognizing my emotional triggers. Now, when I feel something, I ask myself questions like, “Is this truly necessary?” “Do I really need to act on this?” And 8 out of 10 times, the answer is no.
Like when I get the sudden urge to text my ex during my luteal phase, just to be dramatic. LOL.
But here’s the thing: at what point do we draw the line and say, “Nope. Today, I don’t want to be logical. I feel this way, and yes, it’s a dumb decision, and no, it probably won’t make me feel better, but I’m gonna do it anyway. YOLO.” At what point do we stop trying to justify the irrational and just embrace it… because it makes us human?
I guess everyone approaches these things differently. Some people make foolish decisions and laugh about them later. Others beat themselves up for the rest of their lives. As for me, I don’t laugh, and I don’t dwell either. I just cringe and mutter every time I pass a mirror, “I can’t believe you did that. I’m disappointed in you.” lol.
But truly, logic has saved me from the version of myself I once hated, the version who let her emotions run the show. And for now, that’s just one of the many hues of emotional intelligence that have been painted for me.
Another shade of emotional intelligence has revealed itself in my current relationship. Before this, I’d been out of the dating pool for a while. I’d often joke with my friends, “What do people even do in relationships these days?”
Now I’m in one, with a genuinely kind, sweet man. And still, to some extent, I find myself… struggling. Not to love him, but to understand what’s real and what’s not.
Between social media, K-dramas, and novels, I can’t seem to figure out where reality ends and fantasy begins. Sometimes I ask myself,
Do these things exist? Am I settling for less? Or do they not exist at all, and I have something beautiful right here?
I don’t want to rely too heavily on the internet or on the product of someone’s midnight imagination. The online world often says, “If they don’t do this or that, they’re not the right one.” Books echo the same sentiment. But real-life men are not telepathic.
Yes, some are incredibly intuitive, but how is he supposed to know exactly what I want, exactly when I want it… if I don’t tell him?
And so, for me, love in that moment becomes about how willing he is to listen, to learn, and most importantly, to remember, to keep doing it without being told again.
I think many relationships fail today because people are chasing scripted experiences, not living their own reality. There are so many expectations for what love “should” look like, that we miss out on what it could look like.
To be honest, this is something I’m still navigating. Like, do I actually want flowers… or do I just want them because they look cute on Instagram? My boyfriend is still trying to find his footing financially, does that mean I shouldn’t ask him for money at all? Or does being a man mean he should handle certain things for me not matter how little?
And then there’s the big one: How much “lack” is still acceptable before it becomes a problem? How un-babied or un-gifted do I have to be before that “am I settling for less?” question starts creeping in?
And should you even be asking that question if you truly love someone?
These are the conversations I’m having, not just with myself, but with my partner. We’re constantly separating our reality from projections. And so far, it’s been good. That’s another hue emotional intelligence paints for me.
At the end of the day, I still believe I’d make a great lover. Not because I’m perfect, and not because I have all the answers… but because I’m willing to ask the hard questions. Because I want to love with intention, not imitation. Love is complex, but so am I. And that’s a kind of intelligence I’m proud of.
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