This happened on a Sunday morning. Now that I think about it, many of my memorable events happen on a Sunday morning but this was a series of events.
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In the house I stayed that year, the first thing that occurred was the emasculation of a certain neighbour of mine. When he screamed like a little girl because his daughter didn’t mix the hot water well enough and he started pouring the water from his back. He said and I quote, “it felt like so many needles were poking my bumbum”.
I could totally relate. I have been there. After a few scoldings to the girl in the public yard, I had just taken my snickering self into the room when I heard the unmistakable sound of something breaking. I immediately came out again. Even my mom who was doing her gele poked her head outside.
What would follow would be the funniest thing I had ever seen. There were these two call-girls (prostitutes) in the compound and it seemed one of them had stolen the other’s customer. The chubby one accused the slender one of using juju because she wonders how the man felt sleeping with his fellow man, and the slender one replied it’s not all pillows that have use. I turned to look at my mom and she gave me a puzzled look.
Not long after, the chubby one dragged the slender one out by the hair which was just a wig that pulled out and because of the force she used to pull the wig, she lost her balance and fell into the gutter. I swear this would sound unbelievable but it was like a planned thing. Like watching a cartoon.
Immediately she fell in, someone across the street poured out water. The one used to wash rice. Yes, it was hot. I had my hand over my mouth and the woman who even poured it looked like she was in shock when the chubby lady screamed.
The slender one who had gotten her footing was laughing so hard it made me laugh too. Then she went to help the lady up and said, “this is why you don’t take elephants to public events”.
All said and done, I and mom left the house to church but it was as if that day was labeled “Comedy of the Angels”. On the road, while in the Keke Napep, the rider was flying. Yes, I’ll use that word because it no longer felt like a ride. I was sitting beside my mom and a man on my other side. My mom told the rider to slow down but he didn’t listen so the man beside me did something I had never seen. Even till date.
The rider was wearing a very weird hat. It was so long and erect that even the Keke covering was fighting for breath. The man sitting beside me pulled this cap from behind and the Keke guy yelped. It sounded like a frog choking on cigarettes. The man now told him in pidgin, “be like your brain dey the top of this cap. I say make I check.”
The Keke man slowed down significantly but my mom and I were too taken by laughter to notice anything else. Then, when we got to church, I and my mom sat. While the pastor was preaching, a goat walked into the church. It was a small church with very few members. I have no idea if the ushers were hypnotized but they only noticed the goat when it had gotten to the altar and bleated.
It’s like the pastor didn’t even see it because the perplexed look on his face was unforgettable. Being a pastor, he said “is today thanksgiving?”
That was enough to get the church laughing and the incident forgotten. However, my day didn’t stop there. It was getting to evening time when this one happened. We were seated outside on the mat due to the heat enjoying boiled yam and palm oil fried with onions, pepper, and spices when we heard, “stop that dog!”
Ah! I looked up in time to see a familiar dog with a white cloth in its mouth run past us and over a dozen men after it. I stood up immediately like any curious person would and went further to stand by the road, close to where that lady fell into the gutter. Then I saw someone I talked with and I went to pry out information.
The dog belonged to one of the men running after it and was known for its very awful behaviour. It was one of those dogs that always liked causing trouble. The trouble it caused that day was that it made away with their land lady’s underwear. To the dog’s credit, it found the thing on the floor where it fell from the line.
Now, I know the landlady she was referring to. The woman was a widow and always covered in Hijab. That’s not the noteable thing. The woman was a giant in size. She hardly walks around and she almost covers the entire seat of a Keke.
Just as I was about to ask how big the underwear was, they caught the dog. To be more specific, a boy caught the dog and none the wiser, he opened the fabric right there few meters away from me and my neighbours who were watching. That had to be the largest underwear I had ever seen and very white. Points to the woman for cleanliness. That concludes the strangest day of my life.
