Growing up, I mostly had my mum around, and for as long as I can remember, my parents were not on good terms. Even though I didn’t witness a lot of their misunderstandings firsthand, I always knew things were not right between them. And as much as I’ve tried to live my life without letting their situation affect me, I can’t deny that it shaped me in more ways than I ever realized.
My mum really did her best, though. She raised me well and instilled a lot of good values in me, especially when it comes to caring for other people. I naturally tend to be there for people when they need me, always checking in on their feelings and making sure they’re okay. I guess I picked that up from watching my mum—she was always looking out for me, making sure I was fine even when she was going through a lot herself.
But while I learned how to care for others, one thing I struggle with is communication. This is something I’ve always found difficult, not just in romantic relationships but in friendships and even with family. I don’t know how to express myself properly, and sometimes, I just keep things to myself instead of talking about them. This was a big problem in my first relationship during my first year at the university. My ex always complained that I didn’t call or text her enough. At first, I thought she was just overreacting, but looking back, I see where she was coming from. I wasn’t the type to constantly check in or keep conversations going, and that made her feel like I didn’t care. It wasn’t that I didn’t like her, but I just wasn’t used to communicating in that way. In the end, it was one of the reasons we broke up . I know now that this is something I struggle with, and I’m actively working on it because good communication is important in any relationship.
Another thing I find really difficult is love and commitment. I’ve been in relationships, but giving my full time, attention, and love to someone has always been a challenge. If I’m being honest, I sometimes feel like I can’t even truly love a girl the way I should. It’s not because I don’t want to—it’s just that I was never raised in an environment where love between two people was visible. I never saw my parents express love for each other, never witnessed a strong bond between them, and that has somehow affected how I view relationships. Infact,most times i always have this feeling that no matter how much i care for them they might end up leaving me so even when I’m in a relationship, a part of me still feels distant. It’s like I can be with someone, but I don’t know how to fully open up or give them all my love. I know this is a result of my upbringing, and it’s something I’ve been trying to understand about myself.
To be honest, one of my biggest prayers is not to have the same kind of relationship my parents had. I don’t want to be a distant father, and I definitely don’t want my children to feel the way I did growing up. Being raised by a single mother was a beautiful experience because she gave me all the love and care she could, but there were times when I felt the absence of a father figure, and that’s something that truly affects a male child in ways people don’t always talk about.
I know I have my struggles when it comes to relationships, but the good thing is that I’m aware of them. I don’t want my past to define my future, so I’m actively working on myself, learning how to communicate better, and figuring out what love and commitment truly mean for me. At the end of the day, I just want to build something better for myself and for the family I’ll have in the future.