So, if I could change one thing about my personality, what would it be? It woyld definitely be the way I tend to overthink everything, even small simple things, I overthink a lot. If you know me so well, you would want to disagree, but that's just the truth, maybe am just too hard on myself.
And come to think of it, I don't just think, I dissect words, I replay conversations in my head, I think to much, I wonder if I should just allow some things follow certain course or I was the one not doing enough, funny enough, when things go bad, wrong or awry I don't just ask myself what and how it happened, what I ask myself is....why did I allow it to, what, when and where did it start going wrong, why did I not stop it.... Its just so draining.
When I come across certain people who just do things without bothering, I still think, how am I so different, these sre people who make mistakes and just get over it so quickly, they shrug their shoulders and moved on, but me, huhm, don't even go there, I add, remove, audit and all, I carry my mistake and errors about wondering how come, even if i decide to move on and face something else, or try again, there's also the fear of getting it wrong again, if being misunderstood.
I really wish I could just stop, maybe for just a day, I just want to be free from this constant thinking and all. I can't realt say when all of this start, maybe when I was still way younger, just maybe, even though am an adult now, I still think, I still fear, I wonder if am too much, too hard, too soft, not enough and all, I even wonder if this mind of mine I am trying to put down in words will be noticed or resonate with anyone.
Thats a part of me I really don't like, I tend to think and doubt things a lot. Even when someone gives me a compliment, I will be like....do I deserve it, did they mean it, was it up to that, are they just trying to make me feel good, is this them making fun of me in disguise.
Also, if I noticed someone becomes distant, mt first thought is....I must have done something bad, I might have wronged this person, even if I can't think if being at fault or anything, I will just assume automatically that I must have dome something wrong....
One particular evening, a friend messge me concerning her relationships, she needed some advise, I read what she wrote, listened to her voive notes on whatsapp, and then, I took my time to respond her, I wasn't siding any party, I said how she was wrong too, while still saying how her man could have done better, it was a very long mesage, even I read it over four times, to adjust, edit, add and all, then I sent it. She didn't reply immediately, I was already confused, have I said too much, did she understand my point, in that instant I saw that she had read it and isn't responding, my mind already created twenty reasons why she might be angry or disappointed.
Well, she finally replied, she didn't just reply, she replied with gratitude, love and understanding, I felt silly, how could I have thought of that, someone who deemed it fit enough to share her burden with me, why would I have doubted her kr thought she's angry, she never gave me a reason to. That's overthinking for you.....it turns quiet/calm moments into storms/chaos.
To change that, I think the best thing to do is to learn to trust more, to trust people's word and not try to decode and dissect every single thing.
On the other hand, I think we all have flaws, some of our flaws has a kind of gift hidden in them, which make us unique and different. I run a WhatsApp stuff, where I write, motivate, inspire, advice and all, a lot of people come seeking certain opinions, most times I do it anonymously, where am going is, maybe the reason I think deeply is because I feel deeply. That's why am able to hold out space for others, because I understand very well what it is to carry even invisible weights, and maybe that flaw of mine is what has made me a good listener, writer and someone who really notices, care and bother.
But, everything needs balancing, if not, I might one day sink....I just want to be balanced so well to an extent where I believe I won't have ro do too much to be accepted.
If I could change anything, it would be the way I overthink. Healing means becoming free enough to be my unique self, that's the kind of healing I want, I need to offer myself the same grace I offer others without worries, fear or doubt.
All pictures are mine
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