Okay, lemme say this real quick.......
I'm not the social butterfly type. I'm more like the moth, quiet, and absolutely avoiding the spotlight.
Now, before you start laughing in extrovert, lemme just say this too; I have never been on a date. Yup. Not a movie date, not a play date, not even the "accidentally ended up spending hours with someone at Shoprite" type of date. And guess what? I'm not even mad about it. Because "If" I ever go on a one? Oh, hun, it's going to be different from the business-as-usual Africa kinda date.
Let me break it down
First of All, Eating and Talking is Not a Date
Don't get me wrong, I love food. I have a whole relationship with Yam that no human can match. But calling "let's go eat and talk" a date feels .....lazy.
I've been eating since I was born. In fact, my first date on this earth was with breast milk, and I didn't even have to dress up or talk too much. So now you're telling me to wear fine clothes, wear shoes that will start pinching my leg after 10 minutes, do makeup, maybe even iron my outfit, just to sit down and do the same. "So what's your favorite color?" Abeggggg!!!
And the talking part? I've been talking too, since day one. Okay, , maybe then I was just saying "Mummy I want to poo" but still.......i have been running my mouth. Now I should drag myself out to go and do what I have been doing effortlessly since creche? Abeg, let's upgrade the plan. Gimme something that looks like effort.
And while we are still on this talking matter, can we also talk about how some people treat dates like job interviews with a cocktail?
Like, you just sat down and suddenly it's awkward smiles everywhere, everybody sipping their drink like they are waiting for their turn to answer a JAMB question. And the kind of questions they ask?? ??
So....where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Ah! Uncle, calm down, I just met you five minutes ago, I don't even know what I'll be having for dinner yet, and you're already asking me to predict my whole life like I'm a prophet. Please, can I drink my malt in peace?
My ideal Date? Make It a Whole Vibe Pleaseee
I don't want pressure. I want a date that feels fun, relaxed, and even meaningful.
Imagine a painting date. Not painting a house oo, no labor involved. I'm talking about a cozy studio or even a cute spot in someone's backyard. There's paint, canvases, brushes, and two confused people trying to figure out what to do.
We are both in aprons, probably looking like chefs who got lost. I'm struggling to draw a stick figure, while you are trying to paint a sunset, but it is looking like a fried egg. And we are laughing, talking, and just having fun without even trying too hard.
At the end, we hold up our "art" like proud kindergartners and pretend we are going to sell it for 1 million naira.
Imagination wan wound me😂
Or instead of sitting down and forcing conversations, let's move around. Walk through a museum, art exhibit, or even just around a quiet neighborhood. Let's point at random kinds of stuff, make jokes, pretend to be critics, and laugh at how confused modern art makes us.
We can make up stories about the people in the paintings, give them fake names. Or maybe we just walk and talk about life, about weird dreams. No table between us, no waiter watching us awkwardly. Just two humans existing.
I'm not trying to be different for clout, just being real. I am the stay-at-home, eat small chops, choose quiet over chaos, type.
If I ever go on a date, it has to feel real, like real real. Not that fake "let me act like I'm perfect for the next 2 hours" kinda vibe. I want the type of date that feels like two or more people chilling, laughing, being their awkward selves, funny, without pressure.
Like I don't want to be worried about how I'm sitting, my laugh is loud, or whether one piece of meat is stuck in my teeth. I want to relax, not like I'm auditioning for the role of "future wife."
Let's be honest, some date feels like punishment. You are trying not to sweat, trying to sound smart, trying to keep eye contact without making it creepy, trying not to talk with your mouth full .......like how is that supposed to be fun?????
Nahhhhhh........My own kinda date has to be easy, easy like Sunday morning. The Kind where I can say random things. Life is hard already, abeg. If the date doesn't feel like I'm chilling with my yeye best friend...then THANK YOU
At the end of the day, I'm not asking for too much. I'm not even saying you should take me on a yacht, fly me to Paris, feed me strawberries while we watch the Eiffel Tower (Although if you have Eiffel Tower money, come let's talk🤔🤔).
All I'm saying is, if I'm going to leave my house, wear clothes, and actually talk to a human, then please let it be worth it. Let it be soft, fun, and sweet like chilled zobo on a hot day.
Credit cover image from freepik