Self doubt, the most poisonous venom that subconsciously envelop the pericardial layer of our heart, put fear in the hollow openings of our hearts and stops us from doing/taking any reasonable and profitable thing step in life.
Not everyone has the ability to make independent decisions pertaining risk bearing. However, as the saying goes, "stay with 5 rich people and you will be the 6 rich person," "stay with 5 people who actually believes in themselves and have good self esteem, and you'll be the 6 person that believe in themselves and have a good self esteem."
My love for nursing started way back, I think, about 7 or 8 years ago, when I started being interested in charitable acts, helping others and the likes. Dreams were dreamt, the zeal was there but the spirit of risk bearing was not there. I took a very bold move and started the process of achieving my dreams, however, instead of moving further I decided to give up on the way due to one major reason, self doubt. A decision I actually regret up till date.
It all started with an information that a college of nursing near me was selling forms to candidates who are interested in studying nursing. It is a three year program, and after that, successful candidates will be awarded with the registered midwife certificate.
Upon hearing this, I was thrilled, so, without wasting any time, I immediately went to the school to gather more information. I got the necessary information, and from the information I got, it was a compatible school for me, though, they refused to tell me the fees their student pay.
Nonetheless, I have already made up my mind to purchase the form, so, I didn't give it to many thoughts before paying for the form. The process of acquiring the form was really strenuous, but then, the thought of being a nurse made me immune to the stress.
With the nursing form on hand, my hopes went high and I started reading and doing little research like somebody who's life depends on it. We were to write two types of exams, the first exams is the written one where we will write about 6 courses at once, and the next, is the oral interview.
The day of the exams finally came and I was having mixed feelings. A feeling of joy because I am about to take one step towards my dream, and another feeling of tension, what if I fail this exams and loose the money I used to purchase this form?
After everything, I passed the written exams and oral interview, and I payed the acceptance fee. Now, you may think that I have achieved everything yeah? No, this is where the troubles starts.
I was given the prospectus, a list of fees and things that I need to pay, and buy respectively, before I could enter the hostel. Living outside was not a option until I became a year 1 second semester student, and to do this, I need to pass an exams called Preliminary Training School (PTS) exams.
The thing with this exams is that, it's not your regular exams. For the first 6 months in school, candidates will be trained intensively for this exams. Obviously, it's not a free training, each candidate must pay and buy everything in the prospectus within that 6 months.
Everything in the prospectus was worth almost a Million naira, and as of that time, compared to now, one million was a huge money and will buy a whole lot of things, including lands and properties.
This is where my self doubt started. What if I failed the PTS exams? What will happen to my 1.1million naira? I have already spent over a hundred thousand trying to get this admission, and now I got it, but then, will I be able to pass the PTS exams? There's a lot of students, and they will just take about a hundred of us, while there are more than 200 students. Can I actually do this?
When I was thinking these thoughts, I could not help it but feel a sense of regret. Who sent me to buy this form? I asked my self? So like this, I will dash somebody N1M? The money was actually not much of a problem, but the fear of failing, the doubt I had in my capacity gave me second thoughts. Deep down, I know that I pass the exams, but then, the feeling of doubt kept lingering in my mind.
Welp, I forfeited the admission and I lost a hundred thousand. For a few months, I was really depressed and deep in thought. What if I used that hundred thousand to invest in a business? What if I actually took the risk? Would I have regretted it the way I'm regretting this one?
After sometime, I went to Abia state and I saw another school of nursing. Once a dreamer, always a dreamer and I was not ready to let go of my dreams, so, I went in to make inquiries. This time, I asked some of the students I saw about their fees, and to my greatest surprise, the fees was not cheap, but at least, way cheaper than the first school I applied. Something I could risk.
Welp, I applied for that school, I got the admission and I began the school. I was really scared during the PTS exams and the self doubt came again. Honestly I was planning on getting hit by vehicle a day to the exams and get hospitalized, maybe they will pardon me and grant me automatic pass.
the day of my capping, after PTS
But then, when I think of it, I could not help but laugh at my thoughts. Nurses face their fears, nurses have solutions to everything and they never make excuses on what they actually need to do. I tried a lot to motivate my self and remain calm, but it didn't work. I tried everything possible, but it was having little or no results, so, I just zeroed my mind. Anything that wants to happen, should happen. I was set to get my dreams, and even if fail, at least, lemme fail as I try.
When I changed my mindset to this, I was able to be free, read and assimilate and guess what? When I wrote the exams, I passed it. I graduated and currently, I'm happy. One thing I learnt from all these things is never to doubt myself.
Thank you for reading.