Many times, the truth is bitter and can not be avoided. Truths can be beneficial, could be the one more spice needed to change the taste of our lives, to completely change the course of one's live; bitter or not. Some truth will open your eyes, make you see from a new perspective or notice something that wasn't obvious to you.
I have never noticed this side of me until a friend told me and it was the first time I ever heard someone tell me that. I paused and thought about it for a short while when she told me, I couldn't argue because I realised that it was true. I was more surprised about this truth I heard because I never saw that part of me, never occurred to me. It became a little hurtful when she told me that not being vulnerable to friends that are vulnerable to me is bad and unbalanced. Told me that I rarely share my concerns, pain and problems with her and others; said I man up 96% of the time till i figure it out..... and it is even hard to tell what's going on with me because it won't necessarily tell on my face.
Well, all she said were absolutely true. I grew up introverted, in a family where everyone is introvert and almost anti social. We play, have friends, have fun but still introverts. I was used to the kind of life that I am not bothered when I don't have people around me and no one is available to talk to. Growing up, I didn't learn to communicate my problems, I only shared my feelings with my family, sometimes. Another truth she told me that wad more hurtful, is that I am vulnerable to a particular friend and it was obvious but I am not vulnerable to her and my friends in the hostel.
She said her interpretation was that, sharing of food, spending quality time and being supportive to me was not enough for me to see them worth my vulnerability. At this point, I knew *water don pass garri_ (means the problem is now bigger than I thought). I had to start explaining to her why I was unintentionally not vulnerable to her and others, then explained how I grew up used to being on my own. I only became a bit social when I had a good friend who was an extrovert and somehow taught me how to make friends.
My explanation and reasons seemed valid to her, but she and other were expecting a change. And up till now, so sad to say, I haven't really changed. Trying to but the process of this particular change is quite hard and very slow.
Early this month, I had a very serious issue in school and it was tilting to the way of an extra year. The thought and process of trying to solve it and be free from the issue was so burdensome and overwhelming that I only prayed about it every minute, didn't tell any my friends until they got to know themselves in school three days later. At this point, I felt so bad about myself because I messed up again. They all came to me, stood around while I was between with my HOD and other lecturers, having a heated debate on how to find the quickest solution.
Having them around me at that time made me feel a bit relaxed, felt like I had many loads and they decided to carry some for me. I realised that I could have not been that burdened if I had shared my problem with them. I am still fighting this vulnerability thing, it feels weird but it is possible.
This my response to Hive Naija Weekly Prompt | Edition 59. Check and know more about it here