No, of course that's not my original quote! I have come across some variations of it quite a few times, in a wide variety of contexts, however.
Being at peace with your authentic self
Arbitrary thought: I suppose most writers — as part of their creative process — also tend to be rather voracious readers. I know most of my ideas come from reading something, after which an idea germinates and takes root... and it turns into "something."
In a sense, this lends credence to that old truism that there are "no original ideas." In the interest of transparency and full disclosure, I must also confess that I get as many ideas from the side of cereal boxes as I do from Shakespeare and The New Yorker.
Anyway, "being ourselves" in the psychological sense of the term might sound like something painfully obvious but it always surprises me just how many people are not at all themselves. That is, they are pretty much wearing a "fabricated identity" at all times, other than maybe when they are asleep.
I'm not entirely sure how I got to this particular train of thought, but I think it started out of one of Mrs. Denmarkguy's counseling clients' daughter (20-something) and her dating woes.
Somehow, it got me to thinking about the overall issue of relationships, and how we form them. Maybe I was born on a different planet, but am I the only one who finds the formulaic "47 tips for getting into the perfect relationship" genre of self-help just slightly bizarre and even a little insulting?
And not just bizarre, but disturbing in the way it "objectifies" romance, dating and love into a nifty how-to guide that includes about as much of a "human" element as instructions for installing a dishwasher? From where I am sitting, it all reeks of "game playing" which — incidentally — is one of the very things people in the singles market (including aforesaid daughter) complain the most about, as a "problem" that puts them off the whole relationships thing.
It's not that I consider myself above advice, mind you — far from it. It's just the type of advice that's a bit dodgy.
The whole notion of "How-To Dating" is alarming to me because it seems to primarily center around guided posturing and assumed behaviors. Which is a fancy way of saying that people "should be something they are not" in order to impress people on a date and get into a relationship. WTF???
I suppose the idea is that unsuspecting people will think you're all that and a bag of chips on account of something you're actually not, rather than for something you are. WTF??? (Parte Deux)
So people do this, and then we wonder why there are a bajillion self-help books and support groups for people who who feel "deceived" because the person they were dating turned out to be such a letdown, and so *"different," down the road. Often far enough down the road that there is a painful breakup or divorce involved. Maybe followed by a class-action lawsuit, or two...
I have only one piece of advice, which I shall divide into parts "A" and "B":
A: Have the courage and decency to BE YOURSELF! If you're shy and always wear jeans, be shy and wear jeans! Don't try to suddenly be a talkative social butterfly and wear suits or ridiculously short miniskirts to "impress" people. Thing is, you'll just attract someone who's into talkative suits and miniskirts, and you'll be up the proverbial creek when your "shy jeans" start making a regular appearance.
If you like museums and watching the History Channel on cable, don't pretend your favorite activities are parasailing and raves, just because someone "hot" asked you out to the latter. OK, so "go for the experience," if you must — but don't pretend it's "your typical life." It's just "false advertising," and we all hate false advertising. It will come back and bite you in the ass. And then you'll end up going on Amazon and ordering the book "You're Not What I Expected." (No. I'm serious. It's a real book.)
B: If you're not comfortable with BEING YOURSELF, and feel that the "package" that is you in this moment is somehow "not enough," and couldn't see yourself dating and being in a relationship with someone as "just plain yourself," I have news for you: Getting attached to someone ain't gonna "fix it" for you — you need to be working on yourself, not on your love life.
Here's a piece of "new math" for you: A life you don't like + a partner = a life you STILL don't like, except with someone else in the room.
Other people don't "fix" us, we fix ourselves. Sometimes we can toss a few thousand dollars at a life coach or counselor to get a little direction (Mrs. Denmarkguy thanks those who DO!). And that's fine. However "date not-equal-to therapist." Unless, of course, you're dating a therapist — which creates a whole set of conflict-of-interest issues I won't go into.
Here's a late breaking newsflash: It feels much better to be loved for who you truly are, than for some artificially fabricated image of yourself which you subsequently have to try to remember to live up to. And yes, I realize the reverse is also true... it hurts a lot more to have your "true self" rejected, as opposed to a fake front. When you out your true self out there, you can't get away with saying "ah, but (s)he never knew the REAL me."
I suspect some will take offense here, and say that I am being insensitive or "who do I think I am"... which is a bit ironic, since those who know me well tend to think I am extremely sensitive. But this is The Online World of Cyberia, and you can't see the wry smile on my face as I wrote this... rest assured that I have no malicious intent, just a genuine desire to shake people out of the "advice column" and into the "common sense column."
Of course, nobody's likely to pay attention. To wit: Mrs. Denmarkguy and I have both been in/around the counseling/mental health field for going on 40 years... and it's always the same stuff that comes up, over and over again. As evidenced by aforementioned daughter-of-client.
One can but try, and hope that sometimes it sticks, somewhere!
Thanks for reading, and have a great rest of your weekend!
How about YOU? Are you always yourself? Or do you tend to wear a "facade" when interacting with (new) people? Have you ever entered a relationship based on presenting yourself falsely? How did that go? Comments, feedback and other interaction is invited and welcomed! Because — after all — SOCIAL content is about interacting, right? Leave a comment — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!
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Created at 20210307 01:02 PST
0202/1445