If shame could kill, I’d be writing this from the great beyond. Imagine standing in front of your whole class, chest high with confidence, and the next thing you say sounds like someone chewing hot yam with their nose. That was me, trying to speak French in SS2. The teacher said, “Adeniyi, read the passage on page 42.” Me, that had been bragging at home about knowing French because of one Duolingo streak, proudly stood up. I open my mouth and what came out was not French… or English… or any language known to man. Even Google Translate rejected it.
Let me tell you, that day, I didn't just embarrass myself. I embarrassed my anceancestor
You see, my whole problem started when I downloaded Duolingo during COVID. Everyone was baking banana bread or making TikTok dances me, I said I’ll come out of the pandemic multilingual. French, Spanish, German, I downloaded everything. I was so determined that my phone battery suffered PTSD.
One night, I was watching a French movie, and the actor said “Je t’aime,” and my heart skipped. I thought, This is me now. I’m international. I practiced the accent with style, even adding nose flair and wrist movement. I told myself I was ready to speak to the world.
Then came the day of reckoning church youth fellowship. We had visitors from Côte d’Ivoire. Someone said, “Adeniyi knows French, let him welcome them.” That’s how my village people remembered me.
I climbed the altar like a UN ambassador. I adjusted the mic, cleared my throat, and confidently said, “Je suis… ehm… bonjour tout le monde, merci beaucoup… allez-vous… croissant!”
You would think I dropped a nuclear code
The Ivorian guests just stared. One auntie whispered, “He’s insulting us, right?” The youth leader gently pulled the mic from me and said, “Let us all rise for praise and worship.” That was the day I almost converted to speaking in tongues permanently.
But I didn’t stop there
A few months later, I tried German in front of a lady I liked. I meant to say “You have beautiful eyes,” but I said something that roughly translated to “Your goat has angry legs.” Till today, I’m not sure how that happened.
So yes, I tried to be a global citizen. Instead, I became a local disgrace with international confusion. If I ever say I’m learning another language again, please hold me gently and whisper, “No, you’re not.”
But hey, at least now, I know how to say “I’m sorry” in seven languages.
Because I’ve had to apologize… a lot
Image is Ai generated
