One year ago - March 2020. We all know what we were (still) doing back then, right before the world started closing down, bit by bit, country by country, restaurant by gym by school.
For me it was clear that a lot needed to change. I had been starting my search for the right therapist, almost found one, but then he seemed to suddenty disappear from the face of the earth.
A lucky thing? Maybe, because of him disappearing I found an amazing therapist who helped my make my first few steps towards health - and she would inspire me to become a therapist myself.
Me a year ago
A year ago I didn't really go outside much. You have to know: walking was painful. Especially in the mornings: I would wake up, feel stiff in all of my body and especially my feet, need to slooowly warm up all muscles and bones, and then after 1-2 hours I could do something. But not much. I would make coffee and move from my left foot to my right foot and back to my left foot again - just because it was too painful to rest on my feet too much.
Yeah, no, so I jumped back on the couch as soon as I could, and of course not feel very inspired to get back up again - why tease myself with more pain than I already had?
But today, one year later?
I'm moving, allright! I wake up, don't feel any stiffness, can jump out of bed immediately, walk down the stairs without grabbing the stair rail like I could trip and fall down any minute.
I often, almost all days now, go outside within an hour after waking up: even if it's just 10 minutes, sometimes 20 or 30, I go for a walk. And don't feel pain. And even more: when I come back home I don't necessarily need to rest before standing for another 20 minutes in the kitchen to prepare lunch.
Me, a year ago, would have found this unbelievable. Me, today, still finds it a little unbelievable, but it has been my reality for a few months now. And I'm enjoying every bit of it.
I still have horrible recovery days after day I do too much. But they don't last as long, are not as horrible, and the limit after which I need to recovery has extended. Two weeks ago I walked a certain amount of steps which I know I would've needed to recover a full day from only a year ago. Two weeks ago I was able to complete a 10 minute 'walk around the block' on that 'recovery day'.
That's a huge win in my book.
Ripple effects
Sure, not moving a lot will have consequences other than physical ones. It's a bit of a chicken and egg story though, but let's keep it simple and just agree that not moving didn't help my depression. Was I depressed which made me stop moving? Did I stop moving and make myself depressed?
I do have different insights on this after studying Psychoneuroimmunology for a half year now, and I've been fascinated by how little I actually knew about (evolutionary reasons for) depression even though I have a Masters degree in Psychology, but yeah: I've been depressed while trying to smile a lot for quite a long time.
Not anymore.
I'm actually smiling now. I'm actually feeling sad now, because I can differentiate between sadness and overal misery now. I actually feel energetic and spontaneous and lively and in need for knowledge and I'm also actually retaining information in my long-term memory again.
WOW.
Me, a year ago, wouldn't have thought this was possible. I couldn't see the future back then. One week ahead was all I could think about. But mentioning what I would do next month, next year? I would totally freak out, go into a black dark box inside of me while not being able to look outside of it.
Now? Share me your dreams and I'll share mine. I have many. I'm dreaming of the life I want to build and of the part I will play in it. Because DAMN do I have much to give the world! So many ideas! So much to share!
And the ripples spread far and wide
Honestly, I can't even... A year ago I wouldn't have dreamed that I would've said YES to a two (actually three) year commitment in the form of an education. But that education definitely became part of my healing process itself. I'm still learning things that I now know to have been part of my life - a life that's been under the shadows of physical challenges since the age of thirteen.
Understanding is a big part of any healing process. Also - I'm part of a community now. One with people I talk to on Zoom, on the groups chat, who are willing to share knowledge and will help me and other students build their practice for the future - because we know we're not competing but only changing the world a little.
The changes have been tangible in so many aspects of my life: physically and mentally I'm not the same person I was a year ago.
And all the changes have partly been made possible because of Corona, because of the world slowing down, because of me being able to focus on every aspect of my life without interference of social engagements, peer pressure surrounding food and drinks. For a year it has been just me, my amazing boyfriend who is participating enthusiastically in every part of my adventure towards health and healing, and my therapist and fellow students.
So yeah, I'm grateful for the last year. But to be honest: I now feel like getting back to social life again so I can have more life experiences with this better version of me again :D Drinks, dinners, friends, travels... It sounds like something I will enjoy even more now than I would have a year ago. Physically, mentally, and everything in between.
But I'm flourishing, even from lockdown.
Here's to health and healing. One of the next posts will be about the actual steps I took to get to this point.
Cheers.
Rosa