Some of you may have spotted my last post on NVC, and as promised i would now like to begin the journey to understanding just what NVC is all about, and indeed quite how deep this rabbit hole goes. The full title of NVC, or NON VIOLENT COMMUNICATION does nothing much to really explain quite what a totally different way of speaking and thinking it involves. This new language, which is what it is, whilst being quite simple, is not comparable to how we have learned to communicate to each other using traditional language. NVC is about so much more than just not being abusive folks, and once you can begin to understand that this is an entire new paradigm of communication then you will begin to appreciate how speaking in this tongue can totally change your experience and perspective of life!
To try to illustrate this point I would like to share a few very interesting things about our current communication that you may have never even thought of as being negative or indeed violent. You see, violence is often hidden, subtle, and so prevalent and normal that we don't even realise it is harming. Let me start with what may seem like an outrageous and totally incorrect statement and then I will explain why.. What if i told you that telling someone any of the following things does a lot of damage and is considered quite undesirable in the world of NVC.
- Wow, you are so beautiful
- You are such a clever boy
- Danny, you are such a good boy
We are talking about praise. OH yes! That thing that almost every parent does, thinking is oh so good to do.. Well once you understand NVC you will discover the terrible damage it does, and how it feeds into the good and bad, right and wrong narrative that we all are brought up with.
Now, there are ways to show appreciation, and showing appreciation is totally different to praise! There are so many subtle issues with praise, starting with the very notion that there is something you have to do or be in order to get this acknowledgement. NOt only that but there are times when a comment like " you are so beautiful" is actually quite sad to hear because that beauty may not have come naturally, and will soon fade with age.
We have a habit of telling people what they are, or are not. It is so part of our language that we can not even imagine another way, but there is one! Let me tell you, when you feel into it you will soon realise that the alternative way of sharing our feelings is so much better and makes everyone much happier. In a nutshell, instead of telling people what they are, such as YOU ARE AMAZING, you tell them how they make you feel! YOU mAKE ME FEEL AMAZING! TEll me in the comments, which one would you rather hear or which one makes you feel better?
To give you an example of how we can show our appreciation in these same examples
Wow, your beauty makes me feel so alive and vibrant.. thank you for brightening up my day.
Im very impressed that you manage to answer those questions correctly! It makes me happy to see you accomplish these tasks so easily.
Danny, I see you’ve put your clothes away in the cupboard yourself this morning. I’m so pleased to see how you’re taking care of yourself and your space.”
I'm sure you can see the difference here! You see, when someone calls you AMAZING, or BEAUTIFUL, or whatever, these things may or may not be how the person receiving them feels about it. IT creates a certain amount of discomfort. Also, in many cases, the praise is dependant on us continuing to perform or be a certain way, which applies pressure and that doesnt feel good.
The message that i want to get across in this post is that we have to realise that our entire way of relating to each other is not good or healthy! We have learned to play a game, called the WHOS RIGHT game, and we are all playing it all of the time. Once we can learn to spot it, and then try an alternative method, we can very quickly discover a totally new way to view our world and the way we interact with each other.
At first it is very hard to speak to another person and share what we think about something without using the words YOU ARE or similar as the first word or two. We really have to learn to stop diagnosing each other, because it is the leading cause of miscommunication and many conflicts.
I will be sharing the detail on how you can do this, and what to replace YOU ARE this or that with in my upcoming post. My main desire in this post is to get you to understand the fact that most of us are constantly diagnosing each other instead of really sharing how we feel about something or what we need. This even includes praise, which is often just a pretty underhanded way of getting someone to do what we want them to do.
Let it be said that you do not need to use praise in its diagnosis form, i.e. YOU ARE anything, in order to show appreciation or to have our children or friends understand what is considered acceptable or 'good' behaviour'. We simply have to learn how to share how we feel in different words, that relate to US and how we feel, rather than telling someone what they are!
Once you have tried this you will see the difference! ITs very easy actually and if you are interested here is a simple exercise you can try with your children or friends.
Next time you find yourself about to praise your son or daughter, instead try expressing appreciation, gratitude and celebration. It just takes a moment: first, tell them exactly what they did, or are doing, that you appreciate e.g. riding their bike without stabilisers for the first time. Secondly, tell them how you feel about it e.g. delighted, amazed. Thirdly, how it enriches your life e.g. seeing people learning new skills that will give them joy and independence. Fourthly, enjoy the response!
That's it! It may be a little be challenging at first but once you have done it a few times i think you will see the difference very quickly!
SO i hope you have found this post interesting! Please do show your appreciation by commenting, and of course please do try to use your new found skills to show your appreciation without telling me who or what I am! :)
In my next post I will continue to take us through some of these great NVC basics until very soon I will be able to share the real core NVC principals with you..
Much love to you all,
Your upvotes and comments make me feel appreciated, valued and understood :)
