Today I decided to start a post on something I still have no idea how I'm going to answer: The Question of the Week by @ecotrain is a very simple one this time: How are you feeling at the moment? "Me? Oh, I'm just fine. How about you?" This, or something along these lines would be my standard answer, before moving on to more interesting topics. But, as the QOTW explicitly states, this question is not supposed to be the mere verbal formality lots of us repeat routinely, but an actual inquiry into our momentary state of being. Also, we don't have to give a reason or explanation, just express how we feel. So let me take a look inside and see what comes out. I'll probably just keep on typing in a free-write style...
What's Fine, Really?
Teaching English in Japan I witnessed a weird little custom which most likely exists in many classes, probably not just in Japan: When starting out with a cheerful "How are you?" I would hear thirty plus kids reply in unison: "I'm fine, thank you, and you?" WOW, how impactful! I bet the previous teacher who taught them this standard response was basking in pride. One of my colleagues, a freedom-loving Canadian snowboarder, felt it was his duty to mix a bit of diversity into this standardization of formalities, and explained the following:
Fine is not good. It's neither happy, nor angry, nor excited, nor afraid, nor sad, nor giddy, nor tired, nor worried, nor dreamy, nor upset, nor hopeful, nor bored, nor disgusted, nor enthusiastic, nor mischievous, nor any other feeling. Just this lukewarm straight-mouthed smiley, unwilling to show what's going on behind it. (Interestingly, his students didn't get why this was bad, though that's likely to have more cultural reasons, which would take me away from the question at hand). Okay, so how AM I really feeling, if not fine?
So How Do I Feel, Really?
All right, here I go. Now that I think about it, it's not even that easy to answer. I'm not feeling too bad, actually. Still, there has to be more than just fine. Waking up this morning I felt relaxed, you could even say at peace. I always love the silence that at 7 a.m. is still the norm. After a few minutes, this pleasant state was replaced by feeling a bit rushed, once my dog noticed I was up, knowing she could take me out for a walkie. Outside I barely saw anyone, giving me a chance to sink back into a comfortable semi-dreamy sensation, which lasted all the way till we got back home, and I went through the routine of feeding her, and making myself coffee.
The first sip of coffee is always a small celebration for me. I guess blissed out would be the right term to describe it. (Okay, I know, I guess I just appreciate my substances a bit too much...) That's when I booted up my computer, curious to face the world, or rather the part of the world I have made a habit of looking at: social media (particularly Hive), and crypto related stuff (particularly Hive). I don't know what I expected to take up the place of my morning happiness, as it could be anything from highly upsetting feelings, such as when reading about Covid responses in Europe, or it could be anticipative excitement, as when I get news on the latest development on LeoFinance. This time, however, no intensive feelings of this kind surged to the surface. Instead, I felt a bit disappointed at the lack of action on Hive.
The posts in my feed were few and not too interesting. Is there generally less going on on the blockchain, or is it just me who has become dissatisfied and bored by always wanting more? I guess last week being full of panicked and desperate reactions to crypto prices taking a downward turn spoiled me a bit. Though I have to admit, my own reaction was more stoic, feeling an inadvertent Schadenfreude - not so much at other people's loss of money, but rather their loss of nerves over a price correction that they had to know it would happen.
Later this morning I got into some creative exercise of writing and editing, which is always something that makes me feel deeply content. At the same time I indulged into some music I recently found when I typed Lofi Grateful Dead into the search. Five hours of purely instrumental jams of this amazing band is something I know I'll enjoy for the coming months. It's perfect for writing! No wonder my Monday Music post for this week talks about them:
Monday Music - Endless Jams and Weird Imagery
In the early afternoon I taught two English classes. They normally make me feel enthusiastic, passionate, excited, and whenever I can get my students to understand something new, always deeply satisfied. Today was no exception either. Since I teach them online these days, I didn't even have to worry about the subsequent commute, which used to get me frustrated every time.
To get away from the screen for a while, I decided to face some household chores: doing a huge pile of laundry, buying groceries, and cooking dinner are all things that can be done on autopilot, while my mind is elsewhere. And even though I got the usual satisfied feeling when I folded the last towel, and called out a "Lo-ove, dinner's ready!" my previous musings have caused me to feel a bit anxious. The reason for this is, that in spite of my overall well being, I can't help seeing myself a bit like an empty room, or an engine running in neutral.
What am I doing? Where am I heading? What are my great plans? To be perfectly honest, I have no idea. It seems like I'm not the only one who has settled into a kind of comfort zone of easy coasting lately. This is usually the case for me anyway, for a few weeks, whenever I return to the city after a being gone on a construction project. But ever since the pandemic started, it seems like this has become the new normal for everyone else too. As a result, I feel a little concerned that this bit of suspension may continue indefinitely.
As for myself, I sure don't have any great plans right now, neither of trips or projects, or even which way I am going to progress in the following months at home. Some gainful activity would be good, particularly to bring some badly needed pesos in. Though a student just paid for a large package of classes in BTC (making me feel ecstatic), I wouldn't mind someone paying me in whatever I can spend on beer and tortillas. These thoughts made me feel kinda melancholic as I went out for beer and tortillas. By the end of the day, though, I managed to take a relativist approach, and that made me feel more resigned to the current situation, and even a bit hopeful about what's to come. No idea what it's going to be, but whatever it may be, I want to accept it.
