Whatever box, we want to put ourselves into: Gen Z, Gen X, Millennials, or Boomers, it's becoming more and more apparent to me that in our strife to be the generation that demands to be accepted for who we are, we are somehow demanding and expecting everyone else to be what they're not. Crazy, right?
Hear me out.
We want our peers, coworkers, friends and parents to see us for who we are and appreciate us unconditionally, while we rake them over the coals for their own short-comings.
This sounds like the exact thing we're fighting against, just dressed in different pajamas... and now worn by us.
I've been chatting to a dear friend of mine from school. The last time we spoke was in grade 6, when we were 12 years old. The maths is truly terrifying (37-12= what, 25? omg). As we retell our whole life stories to each other over voice notes, chatting away like we never left off, I have found it to be massively therapeutic, but it has made me hear my own stories in my own voice and it's got me thinking that everyone around me may not be the only ones getting it wrong. In my own mission to be accepted for who I am, am I alienating the people that love me? Is it possible that their love is enough, but they don't fit into the box I've created for them?
I don't like where this is going, and this feels like the part in therapy where I roll my eyes at the therapist and I'm like dammit lady, why did you have to call me out on my own bullshit?
Like that time when she asked me, what do I plan to do after all this therapy, and I'm no longer sad? And I was like WAIT WHAT?
NO.
You cant have MY SADNESS! It's mine
PRECIOUS
also what the hell would I sing about?
My song file: around 100 of my original songs about daddy/ mommy/ ex boyfriend issues
But she made a fair point.
I didn't have a goal, not a realistic one and she wasn't holding a magic wand that she could bop me over the head with and fix my mental health.
I was going to actually have to do... WORK.... urgh.... and even worse, accept that I have been wrong about a lot of stuff.
While speaking to my long-lost bestie, I have realise that assumptions I made about her and her family, and likewise for her about me and mine were based on a child's point of view, which really got me thinking...
I had a true lightbulb moment, not even a day ago, while I was listening to her talk about her parents. I also realised that it's somehow escaped me for a whole month that I haven't made a mental health post. I knew something was off with me.
I fear I've been stuck, trapped in the same cycle as those I criticise the most for not accepting me for me: always thinking my loved ones could have been better tried harder been what I needed, and simultaneously forgetting people are just human.
Everyone deserves the grace to fail.
Even our parents. They too, fall off the pedestal we unfairly place them upon.
We are massively privileged. Our generation (and I use that term extremely loosely) has far more space for open communication and healing, but harsh words, lables and generalisations, like the word "narcissist," are thrown around in such a willy-nilly manner that they too are losing their strength and potency in our vocabulary.... becoming watered down in their overuse and becoming clichés that we're tired of hearing.
Mommy's mental Health Chapter 7 - Lighting the Way Part 1: Gaslight or Flashlight
Another one is Gaslighting. Gaslighting is something I've spoken about before, and even though it's a classic narcissistic trait, no matter how much of an "empath" you think you are, you've done it in your life before too. I have. It's not nice to admit, but I have. Smoothed over harsh words I've uttered or dodged truths like a ninja in the night... white lies that get so long I end up lying to myself....
In fact the more self-proclaimed empaths I come across these days, the more i realize that they're just narcissists in pretty wrapping. The only thing worse than an overt narcissist is a covert one, and sometimes, they're so deeply woven into their word salad that they don't even know they're doing it. and the longer you leave it, the harder it becomes to untie those knots. like that drawer of mobile phone chargers that you've collected for the last 20 years. outdated, probably useless, but potentially harmful if you plug them in with corroded cables exposed........
So how do you know where you fit in? Where are you on the scale from "narcassist" to "empath?"
I think it's this linear line of questioning that has got us into so much of the massive mess we're in right now as a human race. We're so polarised that we've managed to dehumanise eachother.
It's not a linear scale.....
between:
narcissist and empath
right-wing or left-wing
liberal or conservative
gender divergent gender neutral or gender normal
prolife or prochoice
its a circle.
And if you go too far in any direction, you'll wind up becoming the very thing you hate. The thing you fight so hard for with your family and internet strangers, on a daily basis.
One of my favourite authors, Brené Brown. writes that she has to believe that even if people are flawed, they are doing the best they can with the tools they have. And it's really not our job to judge, change or crucify people because they don't see things from our perspective.
“All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.”
― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
I'm not by any means suggesting that we shouldn't assist people to grow and heal, but we can't do that if we're constantly showering abuse and criticism at what we perceive to be "the other side" of our own belief systems.
Perhaps we can all take a cue here, to be more patient, understanding and empathic and be cycle breakers ourselves. After all......
All we need is love, after all?
