Today, I got to the point of no return. I am very fond of holding my tears until I can’t any longer and it just bursts out. However, crying is my way of release. It’s the only sure way I can let out anger or sadness. I cry not because I’m weak or begging for attention, but because it is the way I know to let out pent up emotions.
Take for instance, I cried today and then ten minutes later I’m laughing my ass off watching a sitcom. However, what I can’t get over is how much my tears affect my family. This is the reason I don’t dare cry in front of them.
By God’s grace, I provide for my family. My mom despite being with me for years is not used to my tears and so, I do not cry when she’s around. I hide my tears from the world but I can’t hide it for long. Luckily, I get to only let loose when I’m alone.
It is not easy as a woman to provide. There are women who are strong enough to take it without tears. They have other avenues for release but women like me, crying is our go to. That doesn’t mean we are needy or weak. It doesn’t make us any less human than the rest of them. However, when you have a couple of people looking up to you, your tears can be scary. They may forget you’re human too and you can’t blame them. You have always been strong and they are used to that. By the time your human part takes over, they have no idea how to react.
I have come a long way from the emotional wreck I used to be. From a rollercoaster to a mini-van. I still have my days but I’m now wiser on how much of that I let run my life. I am still woman after all and yes, I have my off days when I’m not so strong. When everything gets to me and I break down. I have days off when all I want is to be spoiled and reassured that it would all be fine. I have off days when I feel so alone and all I want is a hug.
But gone are the days I let myself get sucked in to the point it affects my life. Now, I just watch comedy and pray. It’s life, not a deaths’ game. And what is life without a few ups and downs, huh?
