The Process
Self harm is destructive but it isn't subjected to only physical wounds.
I'm a girl in my early twenties. I have a lot to learn about myself, people and life in general. Times like these is when I wish that I had a magic wand. But I don't, so the process is gruesome.
I am quickly processing as a girl that a lot of things happen to people even without their knowledge. This makes me wonder if I have been living in denial; denying that I may actually need help.
My childhood wasn't dark but it wasn't normal. It took me a while to fully grasp that even if I do not let my environment define who I am as a person, It could very much still be a part of me, coupled with unpleasant experiences, it could fester and turn into something more.
DANGER
I fell into a loop a couple of days back when I noticed some recurring patterns with my life and then I read a post today by one of my favorite Hivers and I could no longer deny the truth that I may actually need therapy. Is it something I like to admit? No. But the truth hurts even when we wish it didn't.
I had decided to take my personal growth seriously and maybe that is why I'm beginning to see things about myself I hadn't before. Things I definitely do not like. Things that spell DANGER for my future in capital letters. Things that point to where I come from; who I came from.
I'm not proud to admit that I am very superficial and this is beginning to affect my person, how I see people and life. I have honestly never been this confused before, and now that I look back, this monumental problem built over time; little things here and there falling over themselves and now, it has exploded.
Bitter Truth, Unknown Path...
Building and trying to become a better version of myself, it's like a curtain was pulled back for me to see all the skeletons, all the lies and dirt I thought I swept under the rug. It's awful. The truth is never sweet. I get that.
I won't lie and say that I'm not scared of a lot of things right now. Discovering these things is good but where do I go from there? Should I actually begin therapy? Can I trust someone enough to let them in like that? Is this the reason my mind is so closed up and I don't actually let anyone past that invisible line? How do I begin to heal when I don't even know what exactly I should begin healing from and how? What if the person I need to heal from is me?
Final words...
Okay, March. What a month. When I wrote down those goals, I never thought…I actually never thought I'd hit…whatever this is.
I guess this is what happens when you are actually growing. You are confronted with truths about you that you may not be able to swallow. Things that indicate that you need to stop and reflect and also do better.
