When I saw this week’s prompt on Ladies of Hive I scoffed. What is the one lesson or knowledge you learned this year that benefitted you as a lady? What kind of question is that? I’m surely too old to learn new tricks, especially as a lady. That was the old me talking. The know-it-all no-time-for-bullshit woman I used to be. One of the most important things I learned in 2023 was that I am not as smart as I thought I was. This led me to understand the importance of self-care in its many aspects. Taking care of my body and my soul didn’t used to be a priority for me. I thought yoga was stupid, smug in my belief that a good day’s work was all your body needed. Scented candles were, to me, just a fad. But most of all I had no patience for soul-searching. Trauma? What even is that? That’s for pussies. My philosophy was bad things happen, you move on, end of story.
The pink candle was a gift from my son, while the one in the fancy coconut bowl was from my daughter
Early last year I started reading books on trauma and our psychosomatic response to it and that changed my views. This allowed me to acknowledge the trauma I’ve been carrying all these years and understand how it had shaped my life. Delving into psychoanalysis books helped me understand the trauma-related complexes I have. Present tense. I don’t think it’s easy to free yourself from life-long complexes, but at least I understood that I don’t owe anyone an explanation, nor do I need anyone’s approval to be who I am. I don’t have to rise up to the standards of a long-dead father, nor prove myself worthy of some random guy’s approval. I am who I am, this is the path I have chosen and if you don’t like it, you know what to do. No, scrap that, forget I said anything. Your opinion is irrelevant to me and I won’t hear it.
Self-analysis requires a lot of compassion, but also merciless poking at your most intimate beliefs. You need the steady hand of a surgeon armed with a cold scalpel to peel off the layers of lies you told yourself all your life. I used to believe I am the sort of person who doesn’t care what others think of me. That was only a surface thing. My outer persona didn’t care, but deep down I did.
Trauma and complexes are not gender-specific. Both men and women struggle with them in various forms. Yet, due to the nature of our society, I feel it’s harder for women who feel more pressure to conform to certain roles. The lesson from 2023 that I’d like to share with the ladies of Hive is rise from the shadow of whatever is holding you back and choose the path you want. You only get one (earthly) life and it would be a shame to waste it living up to other people’s standards.
Dealing with your spiritual problems helps you maintain your physical health as all too often internal conflicts translate into somatic illnesses. The opposite should be true as well. Taking care of your physical body will improve your mental well-being. One of the meditation gurus I’ve been following lately has this saying - Remember comfort is queen! I guess each of us has her own idea of what comfort is. I don’t think it’s a question of money, as in spending a lot of money to create the perfect atmosphere for you.
Let me share a little story with you. A few months ago, we were at a store to help my daughter pick up stuff for her new home. As she didn’t really need any help I felt free to look around for things I might like and a pink bed sheet set caught my eye. At this point, a lady at the store quite innocently remarked - That would look wonderful for a young girl’s bedroom. I felt quite miffed. Is there an older women section I didn’t know about? Is there some code I should follow if I’m in my 50s? A few days later I was back at the store and the pink bed sheets were on sale and I got them. I also got the same set in a dark shade and it looks quite classy, but I prefer the pink one. It’s a happy color, it lights up the room and puts me in a good mood.
And, no, I won’t even start on the insane number of scented candles I bought last year. What can I say?
Comfort is queen!
