There was this time in my life where when I rest, I feel guilty. Even though my body needed it and was pleading for it, I’d still push through, do some tasks, go hard on myself, go out to hustle, respond messages, help others and still compound it by overthinking everything. I experience exhaustion each and everyday everything just felt somehow to me, it wasn't that easy, yet I kept going while feeling like I didn't matter.
But something came about, it came and not just change but also rearrange every single thing.
I fell sick, and it went for a long time. This sickness didn't just affect my body, but also my mind, it makes me question my worth, makes me question my future, makes me question a lot of things about my life. My life literally became a routine of survival.....from medications, to prayers, to injections, to staying away from the Internet, to hospital, to bed and all. Strength became so far from me, I got weak, tired and..... you know...I don't know how to keep up.
That was the season that changed everything about me, it restructured and rewired me. And, it's how I now find my most recent favorite thing to do.....Absolute Nothing.
I don't mean nothing as in being lazy or being careless, but nothing as in when you allow the world go on without you for some time, nothing as in when you are guilt free. Nothing as in where when you wake up, you say your little prayers and just sit by the window. No trying to inspire anyone, no pretending and no trying to satisfy anyone.
Rest ain't luxury, that's what I've learn, especially for someone like me......someone who's always available, someone who never really ask for help, someone who has gone through life and still came out strong.
Now, I take things slowly, I don't go hard on myself, I write, I ignore chats without feeling guilty, atimes I just sit doing nothing, I readtoo, I know myself to smile, I appreciate the little things and I take enough time to rest. And that, even though strange as it may be/sound has become my favorite things of this season.
But in all of this calmness, there's still a longing I carry.
It may sound somehow, but believe you me...I want a new phone.
My wanting a phone is not for vain reason,, the one I have now is just too bad to be called a phone, it's just too bad to even sell or snap and post. It hangs, its screen flickers, it goes off at will and it kept on reminding me that even though I’m dreaming big, the tools needed are way behind. I’ve been planning to do a lot of things, some of which I still do, but of which this phone is limiting me, certain things like.... creating content, book and movie review, being a safe space for people, writing more on healing-centered things, having a space for people to vent and ask questions maybe anonymously or not...and a lot more. Obviously, the vision is there....good, soothing and needed, but my phone obviously can’t carry it.
Also, a new phone would give you a lot of opportunities as well, you will be able to see more business/money making opportunities and also learn more....just to mention a few.
So, as I earlier made it known, *I’ve been dreaming of a new device, not just one to take pictures, but one that will help me build something, something strong enough to hold my voice, carry my storyand the healing I want to pass on.
It might look/seem like a small plan, but for someone who like me, who once upon a time can't even plan for the next day, it definitely means everything and a very good way to start and keep going.
I've switched from the survival mode. Even though I ain't where I want to be yet. But these little things.... Healing, resting, dreaming, hoping and all are miracles I never saw coming.
And maybe that’s it......unlearning, relearning, adjusting, ad choosing softness and calmness after a storm.
So, if you’re reading this, and life feels somehow, here I am to remind you that your silence or calmness is not laziness or weakness, also, your dreams even though small are still valid.
But for me, I'll be here, doing my things slowly but definitely, while also saving up for a phone that will help me tell the world stories that matter, that heals, that reassures, that give light and that spark hope.
All pictures are mine.