Hello everyone, how are you? I hope you're all well. Recently, I contacted a friend and told her what I've been going through. This year, it feels like my life has gone back to zero. Back to the initial research settings. It feels like God has taken everything I have, including myself. For the past two or three months, I feel like I don't recognize myself.
I'm afraid to dream, I feel like a failure. It feels like after so much I've experienced, I lack capacity and capability. It feels like the foundation I once built has simply crumbled. All that's left is myself. This year feels like a struggle to get through the day. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed; I'm experiencing so many feelings.
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I never imagined this situation. So, what made me wake up and what activities do I enjoy? Last year, to be exact, I began a journey of rediscovering myself. It started with meditation and asking myself who I am. I saw that I was a cheerful and happy person. The question arose: why am I filled with sadness, confusion, and such heavy negativity?
I've been experiencing this negativity since the middle of the year. At first, I thought it was just work burnout. But after resigning, the feeling persisted and deepened. I remembered trying human design tools, self-awareness tools. Of those tools, there was only one thing I needed to do: do what I love. Because I'm a generator type, I need to expend energy every day.
I restarted meditation and somatic exercises every morning or evening. It feels different doing them morning and night. Those two things saved me this month. What happens during meditation? I still cry, for some reason. During meditation, I rediscover my cheerful self. I have dreams and hopes again, which I've written about in other content.
Over the past week, I've started looking for fashion references. I feel like it's time for a change. Especially when it comes to wearing the hijab. I want to change my hijab style. Based on everything I've experienced, I feel like I want to start a new me. On the other hand, my body has also become quite thin. I've reached 52 kilograms this month. So some clothes are very loose.
For fashion, I've started looking for hijab styles that are simple yet attractive. Not too long. Almost every night, I try on the latest hijab styles and try them on myself to see if they suit me. I've tried a turban, but it just didn't feel right. I'm also looking for lighter colors, as I happen to have a lot of black. Back when I was overweight, I only wore black and dark blue.
I'm even starting to think about changing my nickname. I feel like I've been reborn with a new soul. The same goes for fashion. I feel determined to change my style next month. This month, I'm looking for a color that matches my skin tone first. That's all I can share. What do you think?
My name is Nurdiani Latifah. I live in Jakarta – Indonesia, and after 25 years I live in Bandung. I am a media staff at an NGO in Indonesia. I have worked in this institution for almost 2 years on issues of women and peace. I have been a journalist in Bandung for 3 years.
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