Pain is something you feel when you're hurt be it due to physical pain or emotional pain. Given the choice, which would you prefer? I would say emotional pain runs deep. It's a torture in your central system where the heart is!
For me guys, I have experienced both, physically and emotionally. How I went through and surpassed it all were beyond compare! As of writing, I couldn't help but look back of the past I never dreamt of going back nor I wish my children would repeat its history because it's too painful to bear nobody would want to embrace! Why? Let me share it with you again.
(Photo: The helpless me)
I Belong To Nobody
Yes, I didn't grow up with my real family or else I would not have suffered this way. Well, that was when I was in my prime years yet, hence I could easily relate it now without batting an eye and I can't even imagine how I survived it all! I often hear my family murmur in a hushed tone that I was only the moadopted one. You can't even say an "adopted sister" because I was not treated as one. The term "sinagup" is more humiliating than any adopted sibling. My grandfather entrusted me to my uncle's family with hope that I will be given a brighter future under their custody because my mother was still a minor when she conceived me. She was merely 14 years old to be exact! The thing is my father was 8 years her senior so the story goes. Moreso, both parents were mortal enemies so my parents were never meant to be because of the family feud. I was the fruit of a forsaken love affair!
Bullied Inside and Outside
***Yes, I was bullied inside and outside the house. They were a family of eight making me the ninth. When somebody asked as to who I am, my aunt would say that I am their daughter but how come we're of the same age with my elder brother? Well, he was born on July 21 while I was born on August 13! Then they would lower their voice and tell them I was adopted and the daughter of my uncle's younger sister and born out of wedlock. The two siblings who were nearer my age would smirk and cover their mouths and giggle while looking at me. What can I do but bow my head and look down my feet!
How I pity myself! I often longed for a mother's love whenever I see a happy family. I felt like a helpless bird with no wings to fly. Yes, my stomach was well fed, therefore, I need to work for it. I didn't care at all because it seems normal for me to do household chores to "train" us though I got the most and they would "praise" me for being a hardworking girl! What an irony! My brother (my cousin) and I were classmates and you could see the big gap. I often wear the hand-me-downs of my cousins which was good enough though my well-to-do Muslim classmates would look down at me as "Bisaya" which is the Muslim term for "slave" or a laborer without compensation.***
How I got over it
***I never mind them calling me names because it was actually nothing but the truth. I became a loner since I was in Grade 1. I would just sit on my bench and draw a beautiful butterfly 🦋.
(Source: Google)
My teacher noticed my talent and praised me for being a good artist. My classmates liked it and they asked me to draw one for them. Preserving butterflies and putting them in a frame were trending during those days and I would often appreciate their lovely colours. The big black and brown coloured moths caught my attention.I learned to draw each species especially the night butterflies. Moths seems to have more distinguished antennas too.***
Source: Google
Little Entrepreneur
I begun drawing butterflies for them for a fee of course. A one-page drawing in exchange for 10 pcs of writing paper! My aunt used to tell me not to waste my paper that I was required to either erase the writings or use the back page to save money. That time, I got many papers from my "talent fee" of course that I no longer need to erase the used writing papers.
Another thing cropped up when my youngest cousin was given a beautiful doll on her birthday which was August 12. Mine was the following day. It was a very special day for me. They would prepare and cook a native chicken for me then put a cross on my forehead with the chicken's blood. Most importantly, I was not required to do the household chores the whole day. I felt special 😁. But then, child as I was, I still wished I have that doll too. My mom (aunt) was a teacher by profession and a good seamstress at the same time. I used to pull the threads of those scraps especially the black ones to make a hairlike wig for my cousin's doll's wardrobe.
Source: Google
The Little Seamstress
With this idea, I thought of making my own rug doll and brought it in school with my sewing box. Again, my classmates liked it! I was already in Grade 3 during that time. They like me to make one for them for a fee. I sold it for 10 cents per set which included a doll and her wardrobes. You know guys, 1 bottle of royal softdrink cost 10 cents only but I couldn't afford because my allowance was only 5 cents. All I can afford was either a lemon candy good for 10 pcs or a mug of "lugaw" ( porridge). Because of my little business, I was able to buy yummy snacks for myself. They no longer bullied me. I could hear our elders talk saying "she can sew and she's good in it". It made me so proud of myself.
Indeed, I got good grades in my Home Economics and Industrial Arts subjects when I was in Grades 5 and 6. I was very attentive on how different stitches in sewing were done, I became good in cross-stitching, tatting, crochet, handkerchief embroidery and house dress making. I was also awarded as Princess in Industrial Arts during our commencement exercises because I knew house to use saw and hammer like my male classmates! Perhaps, hard labor at home became my strength to face all those years!
Sewing & Embroidery and Crocheting Became My Passion and Lifesaver
The struggles in my life were both physically and emotionally draining but it seems numb to my weary mind already. I relied on my own self, scribbling and drawing, making hand embroideries, cross-stitching, tatting, crocheting and even making small keychains out of small branches. It was such an accomplishment whenever I finished doing my work and I was happy.
That was when I was in high school and during my college days. I would transform my hand-me-down clothings into something new such as drawing the "he" & "she" signs as well as the "peace" signs with matching colorful stitches around my denim skirt. I would cut the long sleeves to make it short and I would turn the remaining cuts into small pouches to match my outfit! My classmates love it so they asked me to make some for them using their own blouses.:) It became the trending fashion in our school! Because of that,I had enough in my pocket!
From Petite Pouch Into Big Bags
You know guys, denim fabric has been trending during our time though there were some innovations on the design. I would turn my striped denim pants into shortest short, turn the lower part into trendy mini skirts with embroidery and the scraps turned into a cute pouch. Can you imagine how I looked like with such get up? It became the latest fad in the campus too! My elder cousin would follow what I am doing though my other aunt would comment that it was not as good as my works. She and her brother used to bully me but I didn't bother myself with their outbursts because I have already proven my capacity to them. I have become good in needleworks and whatever I do with my creativity. I experimented with the used clothing and scrap materials. I often think on what I could develop from those scraps. I was absorbed in my own world that the pain in my heart gradually vanished. I subconsciously set my mind to ignore it rather than wallow in my own miseries!
My Sewing Prowess
I got married at the age of 23 to a handsome sailor. I've lived a comfy life with him but there were times when our pockets were drained especially when he was on standby waiting for his next ship. I experienced standing at the nearby store for an hour or so, and wait when the other buyers would go so I can talk to the owner personally for me to "enrol" in her long list of debts' squad. I need to "thicken" my face so I can request for a "buy-now-pay-later" plan at their store. It was for a can of milk! But I just couldn't do that all the time. I needed to do something to keep us going. My mother-in-law would send us rice for our consumption and money, knowing that his son was on the waiting stage but we can't depend on them all the time. I needed to look for other means!
Letting Both Ends Meet
The Ukay-Ukay was already trending during that time. It's a stall for rummage clothing from China and Korea. The remnants were good from those places specifically the knittings and woollen goods. I bought some knitted shirt and jackets, wide wool skirts and overcoats. It was a lot cheaper because Pinoys don't wear such kind of outfits in a tropical country! It was my luck! My hubby did the dismantling of knittings and roll them into a big spool which he was his task to make a thick twine to make a colourful cord for our bags while I do the cut-and-sew process. The easiest was the four-cornered pouch bag with a cord. The wider the skirt, the more I make more bags and sell them. They sell like hotcakes! Then the sellers asked what I did to all those stuffs I've bought from them. I showed them my samples and they were surprised of its outcome. They later brought out the unsold skirts and jackets for me to make for a fee of course. I made bags, travelling bags, backpacks, pouches and wallets. They were overwhelmed because they looked good and durable too.
My Highlight with my needleworks
I was already pregnant with my 3rd child when our "little business" boomed. Money was a lot easier with our tandem. I would say we never ran out of money. My "partera (lady quack doctor) would say "You're conceiving a lucky child"! Truth be told, I never ran out of orders during that time. When I gave birth to our 3rd child, my hubby did the work for me with my instructions like measurements, cutting and sewing all by himself since he liked to sit by my side while sewing so he learned how to do it already. My eldest daughter would deliver the goods and collect the money. Many of our friends appreciated my efforts.*
I became a "celebrity" in town. They said that I can make money both inside and outside the house without depending on my allotment. At first, my hubby wasn't happy about it being the breadwinner in the family, that people might think that he, a seaman, couldn't afford to feed his family! I comforted him by saying he had been part of my success. My mother-in-law who is also a veteran seamstress saw all my efforts. She said that she's good in dressmaking but she's not good in what I'm doing. For more encouragement and support in my little business, she said that she saw a store in Cebu with all the materials needed in bag making like straps, zippers, rivets, locks, foams, etc. She bought 4 slabs of thin foams and the rest for me. She said that her 100 pesos worth of the goods will make me stretch it further instead of just buying few kilos of rice and fish in the market. Of course, she was 100% right because it was a level up for my bags they really looked like it was made from the bag factory!
(Model: Antonia with my tie-dye product)
Tie-Dye Outfits
The tie-dye outfits from casual dress to summer outfits was trending during that time. I thought of buying flour sacks at the bakeries where they sell it at a very affordable price. My husband was responsible for soaking the sacks with. Kerosine and zonrox (stain remover) to remove the prints by brushing and squeezing it. After rinsing it, the tying was performed by me. Others do it folding and deeping while I did the folding and twisting style which made a unique design hence my goods were more in demand than them. I even made tote bags to match the summer outfits.
I resulted to using textile paint to print using the sack cloth using my own design using a silkscreen and film. We do it manually during those days. Then I asked my older sister in Cebu who was in crocheting business too, to buy me cotton scrap materials from the textile company on Talisay, Cebu as she's not far from that place. The "scraps" still covered 1-2 meters each or more. I bought two bulks actually and I was overwhelmed by the result. I would deliver my finished products to the vegetable market myself so they will see me. It was my strategy to be seen with my products so they could easily approach me and make new orders! It was effective.:)
(Photo: Cutting patterns for a Sala Seat Cover for my client)
Interior Designs
I managed to do my job alternatively. I slow down when it's off season. You can see me roaming around the remnant's store to look for something new. I saw beautiful drapes and curtains hanging which caught my attention. I decided to buy the whole set of drapes and turned them into curtains with ruffles, I converted a long drape into a bedcover with ruffles with matching pillowcases and throw pillows. I could even make a sofa cover out of it.
Many would buy curtain laces by rolls from the Ukay-Ukay and they would let me sew it. The rich would buy the new fabrics for their interior from the living rooms to the bedrooms. But first, they would ask me if my husband is not around because he might be "insulted" as a dollar and his wife is still working hard! My principle is that nobody can ask me how I spent my money because it's mine after all, right? I bought good curtains and put it aside for future use as the need arises.
Korean Overalls and Jackets
There was one time when the seller was so downhearted because his crate of Ukay-Ukay were full of leather jackets and overalls, saying that such were not saleable in our place. That gave me a good spark in my mind. I asked him how much it would cost me as a package deal. He was happy about it and gave me the amount of his capital just to cover up for his expenses. He said that it's a takeaway offer. I was grateful of course. I hanged the goods under the sun to take away the crumpled lines and hired a helper for the dismantling. This time, I hired a tailor to help me in making the leather bags and backpacks because it needs a strong hand to handle the sewing. I would polish it afterwards for better effects. My dealer was our close friend who worked at the city in the neighboring town so she has wide access with my bags. I gave her my price and it's up to her to top-up for her profit. I don't know why, but she noticed the difference of the ones I made and the ones made by my tailor. She said that it looked durable but it doesn't have my personal touch which was totally different from others. It flattered me. She said "yes, I can see the big difference of your work from others. There is something in it! I guess it's true because others tried to imitate my works but I can see what's missing there.
My little business lasted for years until my kids entered high school and college. It slowed down when second-hand bags for sale became trending. I went back to my office job and still kept myself busy at home when I have orders. It made me fully occupied when hubby was onboard his ship.
(Photo: Taken with my 8-month old grandson for reporting to my office.)
The Unbearable Pain in my Heart
I quit from my office job when my eldest daughter died at the age of 18 and I didn't know what to do. The more I struggled to work harder to alleviate the pain in my heart. It was almost unbearable but I need more strength for the sake of my growing kids. Most of all, she left behind her 8-month old and still breast feeding him. That was in 1997. My hubby died in September 2011 and my son followed 5 months after in February 2012 due to Cardiac arrest at the age of 32. Such incidents are beyond human control. I can't even blame myself for that because I knew all along that I have done my bed for my family, hurting as it may.
They call themselves "The Last Men Standing"!
My Band Uniforms
By luck, our family friend who is a teacher approached me again since I used to make their band uniforms when my kids were still in highschool. He was assigned as a principal in the other barangay. He gave me the design and I was responsible for the fabrics. I managed to get the whole package for the ladies' band uniforms for the twirler, ballers and the flaglets. They changed uniform every 3 years. In between, another school contacted me to make their band uniforms too. I always asked for their own designs in fairness to my other clients.
(Photo: My latest on-going project)
Thankfully, that was my little business for more than two decades already. It's not much but just enough to make a living. It's seasonal so I write when I am not busy. As of now, they still contacted me so I still have 10 band Uniforms to be done yet. My kids are supporting me and they advised me not to accept big orders due to my age and hey, as if I still have students to support they would say that to me.:) It's just that when you're used to being busy all the time, the tendency is that you tend to feel useless doing nothing!
By God's grace, the sons left behind by my kids are now grown ups, one is now a sailor with 1 daughter and the other one recently graduated in grade 12 and aspiring to be a teacher someday. Antonia recently graduated in Grade 10 and she said that she will follow her mom's line of profession. How about you guys, is there more painful than what what I've went through, notwithstanding the sexual harassment of my uncle when I was 16 and my husband divorcing me after 30 years of marriage? Despite of this all, I still thank God for the wisdom and knowledge He had bestowed upon me with patience and perseverance to not let our depression consume our well-being because it's the end of everything we've unconditionally sacrificed for our family.
This is my entry #235 of the Ladies Of Hive Community on how I recover from emotional pain and grief. Thank you so much for reaching this far ladies. My testimony is never completed without relating it all. Every statement in my testimony are like sharp daggers piercing deep in my heart but they're now water under the bridge. I've crossed high and low waters and surpassed the storms in my life. It's high time for me to relax and enjoy life. To my readers, never give up!
It's me