This week prompt hits me so hard , because recently I had an experience that made me wish I could change my personality, just yesterday I had a deep conversation with my elder sister, and it's about how I place other people's need and desire ahead of mine when I love them, and that's an habit I really want change.People call it being a people pleaser, but I think it's being selfless.
I don't know if I should consider it a blessing or a curse, because when it comes to my own problems I'm always alone, but always want to be present for others.
It's funny how I hardly express myself to people when going through difficult times, it takes someone that knows me so much to tell when I'm in pain, the best I can do is to is stay on my own, watch a podcast, speak to God and that is when I smile the most.
But the moment anybody close to me experience, any sort of problems, it's always me and what makes it really bad is that I would be there, I will just want to be available and help.
I can count many times, my younger siblings gets me into messy situations financially, emotionally, and at the end of the day I just feel happy to be there for them and it's always coming from a place of love.
Let me share my recent experience that made me heartbroken.
Recently a friend of mine reacted a certain way , and the reason is still funny but yet painful to me .
She is in a very chaotic relationship, she always calls for relationship advice, and countless times I have told her that her relationship isn't working because of some obvious reasons, but she keeps going back to her boyfriend, this have been going on for a long time, they keep quarreling weekly and monthly, both partners keep calling me and it's has been really exhausting, but I just kept listening, supporting and trying to maintain peace between them, they call when it's not convenient for me and I still find a chance to respond.
.
I got warning from my sister to stop engaging in my friends relationship affairs, that there was more to friendships than nursing a broken friend always, but I was like, it's fine, I will keep talking to her, until she gets enough courage to move on.
Whenever my friend calls , it's always about an issue, it's always about her and she doesn't care to ask about me, and I don't pay attention to it.
I have been fighting so hard to survive and you don't call to ask how I survived, you don't want us to talk about what can we achieve together and we have been friends for years.
The moment you call, it's about you and most times it ends in financially supporting you too or communicating to your boyfriend.
The last time we spoke, she did the usual and I didn't take her side in the conflict, because she was at fault, I just told her how I felt about her relationship and my last statement was, you and your partner aren't compatible and immediately she started scolding at me, and hung up.
She dropped an awful message on Whatsapp that really made me felt bad, I felt bad because I realized, she really thinks our friendship revolves around her relationship, this is someone I genuinely love.
This is someone, I lend money and not bother to ask her back, I have shared business ideas with you and you just ruined our relationship because of a man.
I have made unreasonable sacrifices for your relationship, I have taken risk because of your relationship and you had the audacity to talk trash.She forgot my sacrifices, care and love without thinking twice .
I felt really moody, that I cried and I started remembering how I try to be present for other people, love them genuinely, support fully and sacrifice, but at the end I get hurt.
It's a good trait, but I really want to change it.
I want to embrace my tough part, I really don't want to be the girl that cares anymore.
If I can't change it, then the new me just want to channels more of her love, care and support to just family, because at the end of the day only family realizes how you feel, it's only family that truly cares and supports.
Only family reciprocates and know your values.
The trait I would love to change, is placing other people's need and desire ahead of mine, I will learn to put myself first. This is my response to the question:
2️⃣ Everyone has something that they'd like to change about themselves. It might be a physical thing; a character trait; or anything at all. What is the ONE thing you would choose to change about yourself and why?
Thanks for reading ♥️