The word Sanctuary is often associated with a safe place. A safe haven. Most even link it to the physical and associate it with all things holy especially in the terms of religion. Sanctuary is a word often used to refer to safe places. We all have our safe places, I also have mine.
Today, I would be responding to the Dreem-WOTW. You can find out more here. The WOTW is Sanctuary and for the first time... I'd be baring myself here. Hehehe. I hope you're ready...
Growing up as a child, I'd lived in mostly toxic environments, dealt with toxic people and endured toxic relationships. Many might have noticed that I have this fear of commitments and anything relationships; I also have this fear of marriage. This is due to the things I've seen and experienced. My Mom has suffered it, most of my aunts (if not all) too. I haven't met anyone close to me who doesn't have a tragic marriage or relationship. Something bad always seems to happen and this leaves me wondering, is it worth it?
I have also gone ahead in the past and just dived into relationships just because I wanted to feel something other than fear and rejection. This unfortunately made everything a lot worse because I was young and very easy to manipulate. I was duped mentally, physically, even financially. This thing had a huge effect on the way I see the world and people. I had to cope with clinical depression which was later diagnosed as Cyclothymia. I remember my first panic attack. It happened in public.
I had isolated myself from the world for about three months. Enjoying solitude and alone time with my thoughts. This helped a lot but it also harmed me. After much persuasion from Mom, I finally agreed to go withdraw money from the ATM just because she wanted it. That was her way of getting me out.
It happened when I moved to the machine. There was this overwhelming feeling of being watched. I thought everyone could see me. See how broken I really am. My heart picked up and my body shook, I couldn't think. It was like my whole body shut down. I had no idea what was happening at all. Everything seemed to darken. It was horrible. Absolutely terrible! My whole body was no longer mine. Not even my mind.
When I got home an hour later, because I had to calm down and breathe– thanks to the help of good Samaritans– I just climbed in bed and ignored my mothers' questions. I never wanted to leave my room again.
What's the essence of my story in this topic? I just wanted to show that sometimes, things that are meant to break us only makes us stronger. After about a week of sulking and self harm (yes I have scars on my arm), I decided I want more.
I had come too far to just waste away like that. Slowly– painfully– but surely, I began to build habits (habits I had dropped thanks to depression) again. I woke up that Monday morning - still nursing the most recent cut- deciding it was enough.
I moved to the living room, got on my knees and asked God to take it all. I remember what I said,
"If this is real and you still care about me, may I find peace".
Then I proceeded to do a few pushups, sit-ups, and squats. Few minutes later, I was bustling with energy, cleaning the house, making lunch and doing laundry. Mom came home and wept because... you get the idea...
Till date she never knew the reason for the marks on my arms. I couldn't bring myself to tell her and I'm glad she hasn't pushed me for answers. I digress...
My sanctuary is...oh this will sound weird...but my sanctuary is actually who I am in the bottle. Yeah.
I came from somewhere. The lively, energetic and fun Deraa came from a really dark time. She learned to heal, to deal and to be real. She learned to stop trying to impress and to love herself for who she is. She learned to accept her mistakes, her flaws and her inadequacy.
My sanctuary is the hidden pages of times in despair, darkness and hopelessness. Whenever I reminisce on this period in my life, I find more reasons to never, ever go back. It's like adding fuel to my fire. I burn with a passion like no other. I also love with a passion like no other because broken people, hide behind bright smiles. You never know who's battling a seven horned beast inside them. You never know who's trying to make it to the next day. You never know who's just a few moments away from ending it all.
My sanctuary is not about me at all. It's about the people around me and how much impact I can make in their lives. Because when you walk into that room, right at the center is a bottle with a broken girl and all around are smiles that keep her demons at bay.
I hope that wasn't too much information...🙂
