Don't worry, the title's not nearly as dark as it sounds. It's a line from the late Mac Miller, and the song is actually about (and titled) Self Care.
As I was growing up, I moved around a lot and always had a hard time developing long-term relationships because of it. I learned how to quickly and easily detach myself from friends. Over time, I learned also developed a rather restricted sense of self-esteem. Always being the new kid, I was either interesting and desirable, or the weird new kid that people didn't want to sit by. This led me to avoid becoming the center of attention for whatever reason.
Eventually I convinced myself my desire to not be the center of attention was a good thing. I used religious beliefs of staying humble as a metric by which to say my behavior about being quiet was commendable. However, I never stopped to consider what my habits were doing to my self image. My lack of being confident in myself has cost me at least one opportunity to take a $100k+ a year job because I felt I wasn't good enough to do the job. Ever so slowly over time, I've come to view myself as "just a kid" who wasn't capable of doing something worthwhile.
Over the last couple of years, I finally realized how negatively I was being affected by what I thought was doing the right thing. I started looking at my life from a new perspective and wanting to make things better. After going through the darkest part of my life, I was able to return to a job I had regretted leaving. Not only did I return to the old workplace, I also came back with a raise and a better title. I'm still working through really feeling confident and like I deserve to be where I am, but I've started telling myself I really DO deserve what I have!
I have to admit, it still feels silly to sit and type out a post about myself. There are millions of people in the world, why would people care to read about me?! Hey, maybe nobody will, but I'm here simply to say that I've decided that this year is the first time I'm going to "let myself" enjoy my birthday! I've spent so long not caring about it, but today is different. I'm picking a special meal for dinner, having a fancy latte, and eating the ice cream my son got me. I don't want to talk down to myself anymore. I want to be a confident person for myself as (or more) than for my family. I have a legacy to leave to my kids, and I want to make sure my kids know I always went after the things I wanted!
Being happy about your birthday is not arrogance, it's self care! Take care of yourselves folks. We are our own first line of defense against negativity!
