How many times have you caught yourself wondering, “Why does this keep happening?” Same outcome, same frustration, but a different situation. It’s as if life is playing a rerun you didn’t choose.
I thought about that a lot recently. Not just the moments where life genuinely throws us curveballs, but the ones where, deep down, I know I’m the one standing in my own way. The self-sabotage. You know, those little decisions we make—or don’t make—that leave us spinning our wheels, pretending the problem is external when it’s not.
It sneaks in quietly, doesn’t it? Disguised as procrastination, perfectionism, or even a bad habit you swear you’ll fix “next week.” We don’t call it self-sabotage, though. We call it “bad timing,” or “I’m just too busy.” But let’s be honest: how often are those excuses a way to dodge looking at the patterns we’re repeating?
The Patterns We Don’t See
I sat down a few weeks ago and started thinking about the ways I’ve tripped myself up this year. There’s something unsettling about realizing that you’re both the architect and the wrecking ball in your own life.
For me, it’s often disguised as hesitation. Wanting to do something perfectly—or not at all. A project sits untouched because I’m worried it won’t be good enough. A conversation goes unspoken because I’m scared of how it might end. And then I tell myself, “It wasn’t the right time anyway.”
Except it was.
Self-sabotage often doesn’t look like a dramatic mistake. It’s subtle. It’s the choice to scroll instead of starting that thing you’ve been meaning to do. It’s agreeing to plans you don’t care about because you’re avoiding something harder. It’s staying comfortable, even when that comfort is holding you back.
Why Do We Do It?
If you’ve ever been in therapy (or had a brutally honest friend), you’ll know this: self-sabotage is rarely random. It’s self-protection. Somewhere in the tangled mess of our past experiences and fears, we’ve learned to avoid certain outcomes by not even trying.
Fear of failure? Don’t risk it.
Fear of success? Downplay it.
Fear of rejection? Don’t ask for what you need.
It’s not logical, but it feels safe. Even if it’s holding us hostage.
Recognizing the Patterns
Earlier this year, I found myself stuck in one of those loops. A situation that felt frustratingly familiar. Same struggle, same feeling of being blocked. I started journaling—just a messy brain dump of thoughts—and a pattern emerged.
I realized I was avoiding things that mattered most to me. Not because they didn’t matter, but because they did. Success or failure felt so heavy, so personal, that I was paralyzed.
That journal entry hit hard. It wasn’t just this year. I could see the same tendencies in previous years, relationships, even career decisions. And let me tell you, there’s nothing quite like flipping through your own patterns to make you say, “Oh. So it’s me.”
Breaking Free
Here’s the thing about self-sabotage: noticing it isn’t enough. You have to act on it, and that’s where it gets tricky. Because breaking patterns feels unnatural at first. It’s uncomfortable to choose a different response, to rewrite your script.
Procrastinating? Start the thing, even if it’s messy.
People-pleasing? Say no, even if it feels awkward.
Overthinking? Make a decision, even if it’s not perfect.
I’ve been practicing this lately—leaning into discomfort, making imperfect attempts. It’s not a clean process. Sometimes I fall right back into old habits, but progress is messy like that.
One thing I’ve learned is to celebrate even the tiniest victories. Made that call you were dreading? That’s a win. Sent the email you’ve been putting off for weeks? Another win. Growth doesn’t happen in a single leap; it’s a series of small, deliberate steps.
Forgiving Yourself Along the Way
Here’s the part that took me a while to learn: breaking patterns isn’t just about accountability. It’s also about grace.
There are days I still catch myself in the act of self-sabotage, and I have to remind myself not to spiral. This isn’t about beating myself up for every slip. It’s about noticing, correcting, and moving forward.
If there’s one thing I’ve taken away from this year, it’s this: we’re all just trying. Trying to be better, to grow, to not trip over the same stones. And that effort? It matters.
So, What About You?
Have you noticed any patterns in your life that might be holding you back? Are there ways you might be getting in your own way, even unintentionally?
Take a moment to ask yourself—not in a harsh, critical way, but with curiosity. Where are you repeating cycles, and what’s one small way you could start to break free?
Progress isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being honest. And sometimes, honesty is the first step to change.
