You can find deep stuff when moving your body intently. Last week, I went to a Biodanza session about Sublimity and there was a particular experience that involved standing in front of another participant and bowing in reverence to them, then receiving their reverence in turn. It was almost too powerful. I'm fine with bowing, even prostrating before anyone, but having them do it before me is a different matter altogether; the might one feels, the responsibility... I shortly imagined myself like one of those people in history who had a devout following or simply carried the authority to demand obeisance from others. The sensation wasn't really pleasant, but that was also amazing in its own way, as was the rest of the session.
Yesterday's Biodanza session was about letting the Inner Child play and it was even more astonishing from the start. Both @joseacabrerav and @piedrademar were there, along with other nine attendees. From the very first moment, when the guide asked us to picture ourselves at 8-year old kids, in the rooms and surrounded by the things we had back then, I felt a constriction in my chest. The child that was in front of me wasn't happy, he lived in a hovel in a slum and didn't have his own bedroom; all he had around him were books and the already-adult awareness that he was months away from losing his mother. I was coloring this child with my grown-up experience, of course, I have beautiful memories of that time too, but looking back, it was hard for me to get past the restrictions of those years. Right from the get-go, I was fighting back tears just so I wouldn't spoil the beginning of the session for everyone else, even though this kind of expressiveness is precisely why I started doing Biodanza in the first place. That was my inner child too.
As a kid, I didn't have much of a voice at home, there was always a divide between me and my siblings, are older than me, especially after mom died. I had some limited communication with dad sometimes, but generally kept to myself, drawing, reading, watching TV. I didn't go out much, didn't have any friends in my neighborhood and didn't enjoy school. For years, I thought I had a pretty happy childhood and, honestly, compared to most of the people I've met over the years, I probably did in many ways, but it was difficult and sorrowful too. I saw that difficulty and sadness in my younger self's eyes as I pictured him before me, and I just wanted to hug this kid, caress his head and cry with him.
The rest of the session was really fun and more physically active than usual. We played a lot, laughed a lot and moved around a lot. Soon the original feeling softened and I could let go as always. By the end, we once again summoned that small child before us and I pictured myself as a three-to-five-year old (the picture you see here.) Then I gave myself permission to cry at last, and most other participants did the same. I saw this child dressed in white, crowned with a halo and smiling; he was far wiser than me. I cradled him in my arms and truly perceived his embrace, his trust, as if he was telling me that everything would be alright; peculiar, since I'm an adult now and I know that my life is indeed good, but this image of my past self was even better. It felt more like a promise than a memory. I wept and smaller arms wrapped around my neck. I wasn't heavy to myself.
Even as I write these words, I feel warm tears gathering in my eyes. I didn't have a clue of how much I needed an exploration like this until I was in it. We go through life collecting wounds, little and big pains buried under our skin, within our muscles, organs and bones. We don't think about them, scarcely conscious of the effect they have in our behavior, how they impact our decisions. I've delved deeply into my past and still, yesterday it was clear to me that I have much more to do in that respect. I was satisfied with that revelation, connecting more profoundly with my child self has been a focus of mine for the past two years or so, and I'm sure this Biodanza was a tremendously important step in that direction.
Ultimately, however, it's not about wounds and traumas, but about pleasure and play. I want my child to surface at all times, in all contexts; I want to increasingly engage with the game of life, to rediscover curiosity and expand my imagination. I'm writing my own story now and it ought to be both healthier and happier so I can also offer others a greater service. In the coming weeks, and especially after the Full Moon in Aquarius next Tuesday, I'll take advantage of this moment's energy to accelerate my process and further these goals.
If you have any means of exploring your inner children, do so. You'll probably find harsh pain, but you'll also become freer, I promise you that!